(no subject)
it's been almost 7 weeks and 5 days since he left us. i remember they asked me to make promises i couldn't keep and i didn't but it didn't matter because his eyes met me with no resistance or pain or disappointment. i remember he came to me in dreams before he left. i remember the things he said when i wasn't there and the things i couldn't say when he was. i remember the warmth of his hands in death. i remember the spreading of powders over his being. i remember but i can't feel anything. i won't. i know i need to. but most of the time it's easier to ignore abstract emotional messes when the demands of the physical right-now are... right now.
sometimes i wish i could turn color off... or maybe i could put on special glasses and the world would be in sepia or shades of gray or something. i feel like taking off a dimension would make things less confusing. sometimes. not permanently... just a temporary solution to the mix of colors swirling around my room, outside, in stores, on streets, in life. there are days when it's exhausting and i close my eyes escaping to the tip top of a tall building somewhere late at night. i watch the city lights glitter in the distance, manageable, in the blackness of night. i watch the specks of lights from mini-cars speed down mini-streets. and i want to laugh at the now mini-quality to the grandiosity of life. the normal arrogance of flashing neon signs on downtown streets are turned simply to twinkling lights like on a christmas tree. and the chaos of everything is contained into the rough outskirts - edges of cities. i watch to remind myself of that - that the chaos is contained. that even though the tangles of our lives may seem monumental, there are edges to the mess and we just have to find them. and then just like if the world was turned upside down, when i spread myself out to go to sleep, the stars seem to shimmer through wisps and swirls of powdered sugar. in the coolness of night air i can see my breath float up to kiss spirits.
sometimes i wish i could turn color off... or maybe i could put on special glasses and the world would be in sepia or shades of gray or something. i feel like taking off a dimension would make things less confusing. sometimes. not permanently... just a temporary solution to the mix of colors swirling around my room, outside, in stores, on streets, in life. there are days when it's exhausting and i close my eyes escaping to the tip top of a tall building somewhere late at night. i watch the city lights glitter in the distance, manageable, in the blackness of night. i watch the specks of lights from mini-cars speed down mini-streets. and i want to laugh at the now mini-quality to the grandiosity of life. the normal arrogance of flashing neon signs on downtown streets are turned simply to twinkling lights like on a christmas tree. and the chaos of everything is contained into the rough outskirts - edges of cities. i watch to remind myself of that - that the chaos is contained. that even though the tangles of our lives may seem monumental, there are edges to the mess and we just have to find them. and then just like if the world was turned upside down, when i spread myself out to go to sleep, the stars seem to shimmer through wisps and swirls of powdered sugar. in the coolness of night air i can see my breath float up to kiss spirits.