(no subject)
dear lj,
i'm tired. i smell like formaldehyde. my clothes are splattered with internal organ juice. i haven't woken up without butterflies in my stomach even once in the past three weeks. there's no one to talk to when i come home to dark living rooms before i pass out. i can't even go to my overdue doctor's appointment tomorrow and STILL i feel like i'm never gonna catch up with my classes. if the reasons for sticking this out is to bring it back to community, i haven't been in contact with any community besides the one formed by my cadavers and classmates in the past month n half and i couldn't tell you anything that's going on with any of the things that were so important to me before. and even my classmates that seem to know their shiat prolly couldn't tell you the top headlines on cnn these days.
i've never had to struggle so hard in my classes and still feel like i'm not achieving anything. what am i even trying to do that's different anyway? cosmic joke no. 3252359820309 --> don't let her out and then when she finally accepts this and decides she really wants to do it, let her discover she just isn't smartorquick enough. capital f. so different from what i expected, what will i be when i come out? if i come out alive. maybe they can just dissect me next.
on a related/unrelated note, at dinner the other night, some oncologist pretty much told me, in essence, that social sciences particularly ethnic studies was stupid and he didn't understand why anyone needed to study that. a sentiment that seems not alone amongst some people i've encountered lately who've prolly never taken a social science class beyond world geography in their whole life. i was even more frustrated when i tried to explain how the asian american studies classes i took impacted my views on healthcare and community needs and he just fucking cut me off. but i wanted to tell him how messed up it is that the only people of color faculty i've met so far are in the office of minority affairs and the counseling center. the last one by chance. and how i think it's really messed up how several of my classmates were racially segregated to go to dinner with certain faculty - the black kids went to dinner together with their black faculty member. all the east asam kids were sent off with some asam faculty person with a few excpetions. but none of the people of color faculty teach one of our classes. they aren't visible in my range of t he student/faculty interface.. they sit in the background periphery if they exist at all. or i wanted to tell him how the first time i went to talk to someone in administration, i got asked where i was really from by two people in under five minutes. whatever.
peace love n blessings,
k
i'm tired. i smell like formaldehyde. my clothes are splattered with internal organ juice. i haven't woken up without butterflies in my stomach even once in the past three weeks. there's no one to talk to when i come home to dark living rooms before i pass out. i can't even go to my overdue doctor's appointment tomorrow and STILL i feel like i'm never gonna catch up with my classes. if the reasons for sticking this out is to bring it back to community, i haven't been in contact with any community besides the one formed by my cadavers and classmates in the past month n half and i couldn't tell you anything that's going on with any of the things that were so important to me before. and even my classmates that seem to know their shiat prolly couldn't tell you the top headlines on cnn these days.
i've never had to struggle so hard in my classes and still feel like i'm not achieving anything. what am i even trying to do that's different anyway? cosmic joke no. 3252359820309 --> don't let her out and then when she finally accepts this and decides she really wants to do it, let her discover she just isn't smartorquick enough. capital f. so different from what i expected, what will i be when i come out? if i come out alive. maybe they can just dissect me next.
on a related/unrelated note, at dinner the other night, some oncologist pretty much told me, in essence, that social sciences particularly ethnic studies was stupid and he didn't understand why anyone needed to study that. a sentiment that seems not alone amongst some people i've encountered lately who've prolly never taken a social science class beyond world geography in their whole life. i was even more frustrated when i tried to explain how the asian american studies classes i took impacted my views on healthcare and community needs and he just fucking cut me off. but i wanted to tell him how messed up it is that the only people of color faculty i've met so far are in the office of minority affairs and the counseling center. the last one by chance. and how i think it's really messed up how several of my classmates were racially segregated to go to dinner with certain faculty - the black kids went to dinner together with their black faculty member. all the east asam kids were sent off with some asam faculty person with a few excpetions. but none of the people of color faculty teach one of our classes. they aren't visible in my range of t he student/faculty interface.. they sit in the background periphery if they exist at all. or i wanted to tell him how the first time i went to talk to someone in administration, i got asked where i was really from by two people in under five minutes. whatever.
peace love n blessings,
k