Homesick
I really want to go home - I'm not counting down the days, but I want them to be gone. I want to be removed from this place at least for a while, and be placed somewhere I know I'll be safe and protected.
It's so easy here to believe that no one gives a damn about what happens to you, essentially. But 20 years of living with my parents has proven to me that, at the very least, my parents care. I want - need - to be somewhere where I don't need to worry or feel unsafe, or unwanted, I want to go home, I want to wake up in the morning to my mum's nagging, telling me, in her Asian mother way, that she cares.
I don't want to be in a place where I have to constantly prove that I am worthy of being cared for, because, why the fuck should I have to do that? If it's not fucking obvious the way it should be then I'm not sure if I want it anyway, it's so much work, it's so hard.
I haven't felt this useless or stupid in a long time. I don't have any self-confidence left - that may sound like hyperbole, but it's true - I sleep fitfully, I wake up to a long list of things I feel I can never accomplish. I look at my work, and go what the actual fuck? This never used to happen to me, I used to know how to do things, or I used to know how to learn to do things. Now I'm not even sure if I know this anymore, my brain has decided to close itself down.
I know this can't go on, something has to give. I just hope it's not me.
It's so easy here to believe that no one gives a damn about what happens to you, essentially. But 20 years of living with my parents has proven to me that, at the very least, my parents care. I want - need - to be somewhere where I don't need to worry or feel unsafe, or unwanted, I want to go home, I want to wake up in the morning to my mum's nagging, telling me, in her Asian mother way, that she cares.
I don't want to be in a place where I have to constantly prove that I am worthy of being cared for, because, why the fuck should I have to do that? If it's not fucking obvious the way it should be then I'm not sure if I want it anyway, it's so much work, it's so hard.
I haven't felt this useless or stupid in a long time. I don't have any self-confidence left - that may sound like hyperbole, but it's true - I sleep fitfully, I wake up to a long list of things I feel I can never accomplish. I look at my work, and go what the actual fuck? This never used to happen to me, I used to know how to do things, or I used to know how to learn to do things. Now I'm not even sure if I know this anymore, my brain has decided to close itself down.
I know this can't go on, something has to give. I just hope it's not me.