(no subject)
It’s never about me, moments escape in a second. Quicker than a second by the time you’ve had a chance to think it’s gone. Love life happiness all by each and every decision. Music helps express what i should be able to express by myself, i’m not emotionally depress i’m emotionally enlightened, same effect different term. Different life. Junk food and pot makes me happy because it does. But it’s all about me, why should anyone enterfere, it should be about everyone but its all about me, i’m decieviing myself, sitting here with an expensive computer and a 2 liter of soda that slowly helps me solidify my place in going nowhere. But i won’t go nowhere. I tell myself that but actions speak louder than words, my life is on track, but i’m not opening the window so i don’t have to face it. Thinking i’m in the first class car full of smoke and good memories, and bad ones too because that way it makes the good that much better, who’s important and who do i just want there for the lifeblood of being a teenager who’s sexual frustration is only surpassed by, fuck i’m 19 what could be more important than hormones. I wish i could say everything that comes to mind but my fingers can’t type that fast. Read the books thank the teachers and make sure that even though i fucked it up, i get my diplomma and make my parents happy like i used to in 5th grade, lead of the plays, a group of friends, good grades, and i thought i looked great, well maturity has slapped me in the face on that one. I turned out to be the odd one out, and on what grounds? Religion. I want to make them happy but not jsut for that, i want it for me. All about me now or am i doing the right thing? I can’t tell and everyone has a different opinion about it, i never tend to make up my own mind i have no originality but at the same time the things i copy make me who i am. Nobody else copied what i did and i’m only dilluding myself and trying to make myself feel better by saying that, the bluer of the keys getting covered up makes me realize that the words are always there in front of you, you just have to choose to use them, graduate, college, happiness are all words that i can spell but can i fulfill, damn right i can. Fitness, money, girls. A backlit keyboard that costs more than people make in a month some places. I’ll never have a drug dependancy, i’ll tell you that now. 456 words but i feel like i’ve already said so much. Fuck the psychologist that thinks for enough money he can tell me that this means whatever his book says it means. It means what it means because nobody else can say it. Hook me up to a machine that can express me as well as typed words can and i’ll be happy. Rght now none of the songs sound right but i need something to listen to, when i started in silence my words were consise. Maybe all i need to listen to are my thoughts and the keyboard, but i like the music bcause i don’t feel as alone with it going. Mysterious lyrics make me feel deep, and sometimes i understand what they say but other times i dont want to understand it makes me feel like a part of a bigger picture, i wonder who i’ll have read this and what they’ll think about it. Where will i be in 10 years? Who will i know and how will they affect me. Variables suck. Immature rationalization but it’s true. A affects b affects c etc. My life has a billion billion billion possibilities. And for someone who likes something that never changes. 10011010101 is always 10011010101. My mood is not expressable as a number, a possibility, a combination of choices that can be analyzed and thoughtout. Life is a fingerprint but unique on a level that would take an electron microscope to even realize. If i say yes to something tomorrow that i would normally say no to, suddenly the butterfly has started a hurricane. Ackams razor, chaos theory, they all try to simplify the psyche, but thats like giving emotion a label, and by giving it a label you try to give it a solution, problems not a problem until you find out how to fix it, btu that makes life seem parasitic. Sometimes a glass of water is nice just because it is. Its natural, its refreshing and it makes you realize the simplicity in life. Food water and shlter. Followed quickly by needs greed, a sin or moral, deadly sins are just morals under god. If everyone followed them instead of allowing christianity a monopoly of it, then maybe we’d have a better world. Merry christmas, and fuck you if you’re not one of us you can’t have our fun HAHA. We’re all individuals, relligion is just one thing different, imagine segregation by choice of ice cream flavor or who what better picard or the other guy. Who you believe in as your god or higher power shouldnt be any different. Now that i’ve gone from a night of realizing that i need to lead a better life to the finite points of my opinions on religion i feel like i’ve gotten a huge load off my mind, i’ll post this on live journal and as a note just so everyon can have a piece of my mind, wait for all 3 people who actually read this through to the end. Tell me if you do i’d like to know who really cares what i have to say at 4:27 in the morning after watching a particularly inspiring movie. Want to know what movie? It’s kinda wierd so if you want to find out then ask me, if it’s out of your way to ask me or if “what was the movie” is the first thing you’ve said to me in 5 months then don’t bother, but if you plan on talking to me again in the next 5 months then sure give it a shot, i’d like all the friends i can get. I broke a thousand words and i feel like it’s been 5 minutes. I didn’t have spell checker on so i may have fucked up a line or two but i don’t like reading my own shit so deal with it. I miss you guys. All of you that are reading this line right now, no matter where you are, no matter who you are. Tomorrow i change. Now i sleep. A year from now i’ll be even better. I hope you’re still there, and i hope i’m still there for you too. Night.