(no subject)
Well, I'm home...
Right now I think i'd like to get in my car, drive to the bank, empty my accounts, and see how far I can drive. I have this incessant need to go. And my family and friends keep asking me "Go where?" as though the destination actually matters.
I'm not sure I've ever been "depressed" and i'm not sure if I am now...but what I feel may very well be just that, depression. I've thought about death, probably more than is considered normal, and the strangest part of it all is that my atheistic beliefs have kept me here. No, I wont kill myself. It's really not an option at all, merely because its choosing to not choose, and I could never deal well with not having options.
Right now I'm as far out of those four etched lines as possible, without completely separating myself from it. If i did, i would most definitly be shunned.. but whose to say thats such a terrible thing anyway? Then again, there isn't really any way to escape, not unless I choose that which cannot be chosen by me. So do i continue playing by the rules, on the constant lookout for those oh-so-precious loop-holes that i base my life around, or do I stop with the rules, with the facades, with the ever present veil across the supposed truths of life that only i seem to see as being logical and truly the reality of it all?
I've always thought that to break the rules, you have to know the rules...hence law school. But what if those rules aren't breakable...are so ingrained that they bend beyond any sense of reality. that the only way to efficiently live beyond them is to never have been subjected to their influence in the first place? if thats true, than I am just as screwed as the imbecile next to me, excepting that I can see the bars, whereas he is blissfully ignorant, making me forever doomed to know of my entrapments and have no possibility of escape until the shadow of death descends and wipes out my existence in that finality that exceeds all beliefs and hopes.
so the real question here is whether i am going to resign myself to life with in the cage and hope that every so often i can glimpse the freedom beyond, or fight constantly against my captors, who are ironically also the prisoners, and hope that one day the bars will break and set me free?
Right now I think i'd like to get in my car, drive to the bank, empty my accounts, and see how far I can drive. I have this incessant need to go. And my family and friends keep asking me "Go where?" as though the destination actually matters.
I'm not sure I've ever been "depressed" and i'm not sure if I am now...but what I feel may very well be just that, depression. I've thought about death, probably more than is considered normal, and the strangest part of it all is that my atheistic beliefs have kept me here. No, I wont kill myself. It's really not an option at all, merely because its choosing to not choose, and I could never deal well with not having options.
Right now I'm as far out of those four etched lines as possible, without completely separating myself from it. If i did, i would most definitly be shunned.. but whose to say thats such a terrible thing anyway? Then again, there isn't really any way to escape, not unless I choose that which cannot be chosen by me. So do i continue playing by the rules, on the constant lookout for those oh-so-precious loop-holes that i base my life around, or do I stop with the rules, with the facades, with the ever present veil across the supposed truths of life that only i seem to see as being logical and truly the reality of it all?
I've always thought that to break the rules, you have to know the rules...hence law school. But what if those rules aren't breakable...are so ingrained that they bend beyond any sense of reality. that the only way to efficiently live beyond them is to never have been subjected to their influence in the first place? if thats true, than I am just as screwed as the imbecile next to me, excepting that I can see the bars, whereas he is blissfully ignorant, making me forever doomed to know of my entrapments and have no possibility of escape until the shadow of death descends and wipes out my existence in that finality that exceeds all beliefs and hopes.
so the real question here is whether i am going to resign myself to life with in the cage and hope that every so often i can glimpse the freedom beyond, or fight constantly against my captors, who are ironically also the prisoners, and hope that one day the bars will break and set me free?