Anorexia.
I can say that once upon a time I used to be fat. Not dictionary fat, but society version of fat. Growing up I always used to be the skinniest boy in all my classes. I even remember when my mom told me when I was younger, You need to fatten up a little bit! You’re so skinny! Around sophomore year of High School I started developing a tummy and I noticed myself start to morph into a 5’10”, 220 lbs teenager. Honestly since I had been skinny my entire life I didnt even realize I was fat until I saw pictures of myself and compared them to my younger self. When I was dating my ex Jeffrey once of the last things he told me before we broke up was “Well.. I dont say anything about you’re weight *gulp*” I was speechless… A boy the size of my thigh was telling me I was fat. Well of fucking course compared to you Im a beast. This fueled my motivation to lose weight, so I ordered Insanity that intense workout program by Sean T. Over Winter I worked out everyday and my eating habits probably weren’t the best….I would under eat healthy things…
When I started at Cabrillo no one knew what I used to look like… I was a new reinvented Christian; with better teeth, new wardrobe, and skinny. When I joined the musical I wanted to push my body to lose 10 more pounds so I went on this very strict diet that required an eating schedule… For a long time I wouldn’t eat anything that you could buy from a store or grow…it was all medicinal types of products to help you drop weight.
When I got taken off of the diet…I was honestly concerned.. and It wasn’t until I talked to Luci about it. I stopped eating for a while. I would go three days at a time without eating (Id have like 3 water bottles a day and call that my meal). And when I would eat it was very minimal. I guess I started going into an eating disorder… and I would weigh myself so obsessively. Even after peeing I would say “Omg how much do I weigh now!?!!” And when I would have a snack I’d go weigh myself again and ask “HOW MUCH DID I GAIN!!?!” I told Luci one day after I had auditioned for Cabrillo Stage for the first time and she said “you have a problem….” And I said noo I don’t… My body is just losing weight like I want it to, this is what I wanted… Ive always been fat and now Im just losing the weight I want thats all…” Luci kept saying how it wasn’t normal and all these things that made me realize…you’re right… this isn’t normal.. It took a while but I think until maybe April that’s when I started to slowly go back to regulating my eating.
In my “I want you back” video where Im singing that was a point in my life where my body was at the lowest that it’s ever weighed (156). I don’t think my body was happy at that weight either… Im assuming because it was the way I was eating and it was starving. Since then I gained 20 pounds and I hadn’t weighed myself since over the summer and I gotta admit I’ve been kind of teary since I weighed myself 20 mins ago or so.
I compare myself a lot to Tyler from the music department and I do that because he’s the closest to me in age/height and I think he weighs 127. I wouldn’t want to get down to that necessarily, but I think that the weight that I’ve gained has made me feel disgusting. Last night I went out with friends and I had a milkshake and fries… and in my mind I said taste buds you’re loving this but brain/body you’re going to hate me for this later.
I see all you beautiful men on tumblr that follow me/that I follow and you’re not just facially beautiful, but you’re also these skinny mini things that I WISH I could be right now. And you always complain about how ugly you are etc, I feel like you don’t have license to complain until you’ve gone through the similar things that Ive had to endure. Im neither for those things. When I get home I feel like I put away my fake-confidence that I’ve worn for the day and dwell on what Im not.
Im going to go back on the diet I did in the spring and hope to get back into the 50s and hopefully start spilling into the 40s. I feel like as much as someone can say “You’re fine the way you are” etc.. In the end we all know we like the male anatomy that rivals The Statue of David. The men we reblog. The stuff you see in magazines. Until I get to that point I don’t think I will be satisfied… The thing is, Im just concerned my body will hate me again and with the busy schedule I have Im concerned I’ll drive myself into another eating disorder… But to be honest I don’t know a better way..This is the only way that was effective for me.
Details to come.