in which nothing is comfortable, not even being comforted
I wonder what he isn't
wondering is no good, speculation is no good, certainty will elude me forever because there are things which cannot be empirically determined and when all I can go on is words and projection, and the former are like as not to twist around me and the latter may be the root of the problem
as ever
Either I make do with what I have been given or I decide I cannot and then I don't even know. But if I allow this to worry away at me, I shall become unhappy even if I am not now, and that will wreck everything. So there it is? Cultivate contentment or else
only I am not unhappy, not when I'm just letting things be. When all there is to it is cozy nights and he's not displeased to see me when I return or when we wake, when I can watch him with Soot and enjoy their mutual affection, when nothing has to mean anything at all and there is no future to concern myself with
but I'm not sure if it's fair to
Not that fairness has ever mattered. I just can't use that as an excuse to inflict it on someone else -- I don't mean I think those things he said were directed at me and yet I can't have comfort and security at the expense of
of someone else's comfort or security. I also can't blindly believe there is no such unpleasantness for him, however slight. I can't make those calls for him though -- and I know my fretting about it all is not something he likes dealing with -- and for all I know whatever bad I bring to his life I bring a measure of good to compensate. In any usual situation, the thing to do would be to accept I'm going about this the wrong way
this isn't a normal situation
it's fine and well for a real person to decide "okay so this is what I need, this is what I want, I'll find a way to make those things happen" and another for someone like me to
I cannot go putting myself first for any of this. I want to ask Jiel what he thinkswants me to do but at this point I'm terrified he'd get it all out of me and decide I'm a dirty slut
just like magister fuckface but Jiel is nothing like him, no the problem is me.
And this isn't even about Ilthus. He wouldn't want The things I think I most want are things he couldn't
wouldn't
I can see us in fifty years, assuming we're both still alive and all, and I'm sure maybe we could still be friends. But there's not more to it than that, there's not any sense of being home
a while back when he first said he loved me and I was all yeah right Wren, you said you don't do that, haha pull the other one. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me which I suppose sounds like petty quibbling, except he said no no being in love with someone is when you can't imagine a future without em, when you're so invested in somebody that's all you want. And I can understand that. My parents were in love with each other. I guess maybe Ash and Netha are too, though if you ask me (and they never will, nor do they want to hear this) it's early days still for the two of them.
And Ilthus, I like him well enough and have fun spending time with him and stealing things from Ironforge and all, and I'd rather see him happy than not, and I want to be his friend. But no, I'm not in love with him and I don't think he is with me either, his recent distress regardless. I think he might have stronger lovey feelings than I do because let's face it I'm not the one all upset about anything when it comes to him.
When I think about bad stuff happening to him, I don't like the thoughts -- I'd want to help him if I could -- but there's not that all-burning rage and fury and absolute need to protect like there is for
Well, Alevh I can see myself with in fifty years maybe unless he's told me to go away or our mutual situations become incompatible, BUT I can't believe he'd ever have that as something he actively desires. In ways that unconcern is so comfortable, so relaxing, and I wouldn't wish for him to be rid of it -- wouldn't wish for him to change and yet
and yet I
I cannot have what I want. That's all there is to it, and the sooner I get myself comfortable with this the better. I
just can't help but feel Sir Dawnforged was right, that what one wants is enthusiasm and eagerness and desire partly because it's a sure signal one isn't doing something very very wrong.
That's a feeling I won't be able to shake.
I have to talk to Jiel.
wondering is no good, speculation is no good, certainty will elude me forever because there are things which cannot be empirically determined and when all I can go on is words and projection, and the former are like as not to twist around me and the latter may be the root of the problem
as ever
Either I make do with what I have been given or I decide I cannot and then I don't even know. But if I allow this to worry away at me, I shall become unhappy even if I am not now, and that will wreck everything. So there it is? Cultivate contentment or else
only I am not unhappy, not when I'm just letting things be. When all there is to it is cozy nights and he's not displeased to see me when I return or when we wake, when I can watch him with Soot and enjoy their mutual affection, when nothing has to mean anything at all and there is no future to concern myself with
but I'm not sure if it's fair to
Not that fairness has ever mattered. I just can't use that as an excuse to inflict it on someone else -- I don't mean I think those things he said were directed at me and yet I can't have comfort and security at the expense of
of someone else's comfort or security. I also can't blindly believe there is no such unpleasantness for him, however slight. I can't make those calls for him though -- and I know my fretting about it all is not something he likes dealing with -- and for all I know whatever bad I bring to his life I bring a measure of good to compensate. In any usual situation, the thing to do would be to accept I'm going about this the wrong way
this isn't a normal situation
it's fine and well for a real person to decide "okay so this is what I need, this is what I want, I'll find a way to make those things happen" and another for someone like me to
I cannot go putting myself first for any of this. I want to ask Jiel what he thinkswants me to do but at this point I'm terrified he'd get it all out of me and decide I'm a dirty slut
just like magister fuckface but Jiel is nothing like him, no the problem is me.
And this isn't even about Ilthus. He wouldn't want The things I think I most want are things he couldn't
wouldn't
I can see us in fifty years, assuming we're both still alive and all, and I'm sure maybe we could still be friends. But there's not more to it than that, there's not any sense of being home
a while back when he first said he loved me and I was all yeah right Wren, you said you don't do that, haha pull the other one. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me which I suppose sounds like petty quibbling, except he said no no being in love with someone is when you can't imagine a future without em, when you're so invested in somebody that's all you want. And I can understand that. My parents were in love with each other. I guess maybe Ash and Netha are too, though if you ask me (and they never will, nor do they want to hear this) it's early days still for the two of them.
And Ilthus, I like him well enough and have fun spending time with him and stealing things from Ironforge and all, and I'd rather see him happy than not, and I want to be his friend. But no, I'm not in love with him and I don't think he is with me either, his recent distress regardless. I think he might have stronger lovey feelings than I do because let's face it I'm not the one all upset about anything when it comes to him.
When I think about bad stuff happening to him, I don't like the thoughts -- I'd want to help him if I could -- but there's not that all-burning rage and fury and absolute need to protect like there is for
Well, Alevh I can see myself with in fifty years maybe unless he's told me to go away or our mutual situations become incompatible, BUT I can't believe he'd ever have that as something he actively desires. In ways that unconcern is so comfortable, so relaxing, and I wouldn't wish for him to be rid of it -- wouldn't wish for him to change and yet
and yet I
I cannot have what I want. That's all there is to it, and the sooner I get myself comfortable with this the better. I
just can't help but feel Sir Dawnforged was right, that what one wants is enthusiasm and eagerness and desire partly because it's a sure signal one isn't doing something very very wrong.
That's a feeling I won't be able to shake.
I have to talk to Jiel.