Am I just stupid? Or what? Something has definitely got to be wrong with me
Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to end up alone. Not that it matters or anything, it's too soon to tell, but I can't help it. At first I thought it was because I'm weird, or too quiet, or not pretty, but now I'm starting to wonder if it's something else. I'm so confused it fills every fiber of my being, all I know is: I don't want it. No matter how good it sounds, not even if it is a once in a life time chance. I don't care. I always figured: I'd let what happens happen. But now, I guess I know myself a little better. Before you scream at me " what the heck is going on?!" let me start from the being, when it all started. It was a friday afternoon.
I was at the station, on my way home from school because, lucky me, I can't drive. Maybe if I could this would have never happened, but oh well, what's past has past, which is the way of thinking that probably got me in my predicament but anyways, back to the story. I was walking to get my ticket, when I someone asked me where the train was going, I told him as I briefly scanned the area for the ticket booth. I finally found it and laughed aloud when I found, and walked towards it. the guy followed me, curious I guess since I helped him out I suppose. When I bought my ticket, he was there waiting for me, he looked about my age, maybe a little older. I guess the weird part was, he took a liking to me, maybe because we were the same age? I don't even know.
We walked a bit towards the waiting area, and we began talking. He asked my name, and where I was headed, If i went to school or not, to which I responded. I reciprocated the questions out of politeness. He told me I was cute, which I took awkwardly, most people don't come out and tell you that, but I don't know. I don't have much experience in the area to be honest. he asked why I acted so surprised, and I told him that I didn't get that often. which is true. It's not a frequent thing.He asked me if I had a boyfriend. Maybe I should have taken that as a hint. but for some reason, I'm stupid in real-life situations. I told him no. He was surprised to hear that for some odd reason. he asked me if I had a phone, to which i responded yes, he took it and looked at it for a second. fiddling with it. he handed it back to me and showed me what he did. He put in his phone number.
I told him that it was very nice, but I wouldn't call him. He asked me why, and asked if I thought he was nice, but I told him I don't date people i first meet. especially not after 5 minutes. He told me that it was alright, and that he could wait, he gave it to me so we could talk and get to know each other. I told him it was unlikely because I like friends first, but he responded the same way. I changed the subject, asked him what school he went to. he went to USC. He was a pretty good student, better than I am, and was there on a scholarship. I know what you're thinking...well...I think I do...if he's smart and interested in me...what's my problem?...and to be honest, I don't know.
I wanted to talk to my sister desperately, but I couldn't, it would be rude to leave the guy, and I couldn't exactly explain to her what was going on. We talked until the train came, which was late unfortunately, I was getting tired of this guy trying to get to know me, though he seemed pretty cool, I knew he was anxious for me to accept and be his girlfriend, which, isn't what I do after an hour of meeting someone. I talked to him until his stop came, he told me he couldn't wait for my call, and that he hoped I would. I told him I would think about it. He left the train. and a weird sense of control swept over me. For the first and only time in my life, I had control over a relationship, at the press of a button, I could have a boyfriend, my first one. I wouldn't do though. the whole time I talked to him, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I didn't want it to. Not that I'm a cold person, It just wasn't the right way to meet someone. It was a weird feeling and made me feel anxious. I wished that I hadn't taken that train. I should have ditched my class, or gone the next day, either way. I regretted taking the train and meeting the guy in the first place.
I knew I was going to call to reject him. the problem was how to do it.He was a sweet guy, smart, decent looking. But it just wasn't going to happen between us. I'm yet to do, I figured I'd call him to be polite, better to know that it wasn't going to happen, than to keep wondering if it ever was. But now I remember that he gave me an option, to call or not to call. It was up to me. sometimes, I wondered if I would end up alone. Why it would happen. How it would happen. I figured it'd be that no one would like me. I'm sure a lot of people have hoped and dreamed that someone amazing would come along, ask to be with them, despite knowing close to nothing about them. But now I realize, that I shot that oppurtunity down, I realize that I might end up alone because I don't want something sudden, I need time to adjust. Instead of letting things happen of their own accord, I realize that I want to call the shots. I want to be the one who decides how it all happens.
I could be stupid, missing out on something great, but what do I know?
I was at the station, on my way home from school because, lucky me, I can't drive. Maybe if I could this would have never happened, but oh well, what's past has past, which is the way of thinking that probably got me in my predicament but anyways, back to the story. I was walking to get my ticket, when I someone asked me where the train was going, I told him as I briefly scanned the area for the ticket booth. I finally found it and laughed aloud when I found, and walked towards it. the guy followed me, curious I guess since I helped him out I suppose. When I bought my ticket, he was there waiting for me, he looked about my age, maybe a little older. I guess the weird part was, he took a liking to me, maybe because we were the same age? I don't even know.
We walked a bit towards the waiting area, and we began talking. He asked my name, and where I was headed, If i went to school or not, to which I responded. I reciprocated the questions out of politeness. He told me I was cute, which I took awkwardly, most people don't come out and tell you that, but I don't know. I don't have much experience in the area to be honest. he asked why I acted so surprised, and I told him that I didn't get that often. which is true. It's not a frequent thing.He asked me if I had a boyfriend. Maybe I should have taken that as a hint. but for some reason, I'm stupid in real-life situations. I told him no. He was surprised to hear that for some odd reason. he asked me if I had a phone, to which i responded yes, he took it and looked at it for a second. fiddling with it. he handed it back to me and showed me what he did. He put in his phone number.
I told him that it was very nice, but I wouldn't call him. He asked me why, and asked if I thought he was nice, but I told him I don't date people i first meet. especially not after 5 minutes. He told me that it was alright, and that he could wait, he gave it to me so we could talk and get to know each other. I told him it was unlikely because I like friends first, but he responded the same way. I changed the subject, asked him what school he went to. he went to USC. He was a pretty good student, better than I am, and was there on a scholarship. I know what you're thinking...well...I think I do...if he's smart and interested in me...what's my problem?...and to be honest, I don't know.
I wanted to talk to my sister desperately, but I couldn't, it would be rude to leave the guy, and I couldn't exactly explain to her what was going on. We talked until the train came, which was late unfortunately, I was getting tired of this guy trying to get to know me, though he seemed pretty cool, I knew he was anxious for me to accept and be his girlfriend, which, isn't what I do after an hour of meeting someone. I talked to him until his stop came, he told me he couldn't wait for my call, and that he hoped I would. I told him I would think about it. He left the train. and a weird sense of control swept over me. For the first and only time in my life, I had control over a relationship, at the press of a button, I could have a boyfriend, my first one. I wouldn't do though. the whole time I talked to him, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I didn't want it to. Not that I'm a cold person, It just wasn't the right way to meet someone. It was a weird feeling and made me feel anxious. I wished that I hadn't taken that train. I should have ditched my class, or gone the next day, either way. I regretted taking the train and meeting the guy in the first place.
I knew I was going to call to reject him. the problem was how to do it.He was a sweet guy, smart, decent looking. But it just wasn't going to happen between us. I'm yet to do, I figured I'd call him to be polite, better to know that it wasn't going to happen, than to keep wondering if it ever was. But now I remember that he gave me an option, to call or not to call. It was up to me. sometimes, I wondered if I would end up alone. Why it would happen. How it would happen. I figured it'd be that no one would like me. I'm sure a lot of people have hoped and dreamed that someone amazing would come along, ask to be with them, despite knowing close to nothing about them. But now I realize, that I shot that oppurtunity down, I realize that I might end up alone because I don't want something sudden, I need time to adjust. Instead of letting things happen of their own accord, I realize that I want to call the shots. I want to be the one who decides how it all happens.
I could be stupid, missing out on something great, but what do I know?