Twisted
I find that I'm losing faith in a lot of things I thought we true, the kindness of strangers, the goodness in humanity... it seems to be all falling apart again but this time I don't know how to put things back together. So much of my life has been made up of these ideals which I've grown quite acoustmed to, it scares me to realise that maybe... maybe i was wrong...
Is it wrong to have these ideals in place, if they're not in place what then, do we have to strive for? What possible impact ultimately could external factors play in the outcome where the ideals are not quite matching, then what can be done if you find yourself in a position where justifying your actions could result in losing a friendship..... ?
In saying that I don't want things to change would be a lie, of course I do. I''m saddened by the fact that in some obscure way I am responsible for the breakdown of what could be a fruitful friendship.... the intent is there, or at least was there... now I'm not so sure... Is it worth it?
I find that I'm sad all the time now, I don't want to be, but I find that maybe that's my position in life, maybe that's who I'm meant to be in this life, devestating prospect yes, but a valid point. Someone has to be the bad guy right?
Now, I'm not perfect, in fact I probably more flaws then anyone else I know, I tend to be over emotional at times, I'm over analytical, very introverted and difficult to understand... I've lead a somewhat sheltered life, emotionally I've been through the wringer more times then I care to remember, so many fears, so many concerns that aren't concerns most people give two clicks about... not normal yeah... but hey, what exactly is normal in this day and age... I hurt all the time... I hurt and I'm lonely but again who isn't these days?? maybe I'm just too open about things like that. That's my nature though, in essence who I have become... is that a bad thing?
I'm not partial to thinking how my life would be different if I were a different person... I've been there done that, in a way though I do conceed that I haven't fully accepted it, but realistically what choice do I have?? Is the choice to be happy... in a situation like mine... that easy to make? Speaking specifically from my own experience then the answer is no... understandable that is a bias response, I have not lived anyone elses life, as no one has lived mine. As close as your or family unit may be, as similar as the upbringing might be... you may share family traits but everyone on this planet maintains a streak of individualism. Don't we all at some stage at least ponder what it would be like to live life in someone elses shoes? one things for sure, it would be different... and different can be good.
I think I'm breaking down again.... i don't know how to stop it this time....