"... if you have to leave, i wish that you would just leave..."
So here I am. I figure I may as well update, but I don't know what for. It's not really like any of you miss me or anything, anyway. And so many things have gone on. This is stupid. Oh well... here goes.
- I'm 18 now.
- I'm not going to be able to start college in January as planned. I never got to take my ACTs or the Owens COMPASS test.
- Because I'm not able to start college, I am going to be stuck in high school another 5 months taking classes I don't want to be in and don't need. Since I missed the early graduation petition deadline.
... That's my life. The way it goes. I always end up fucking myself [in the most non-literal of terms].
- I have two photography projects to finish. I did get one done today. One-hour photo will be my savior.
- I have three creative writing assignments due. And one for the writing contest. Mr. Kizaur and I were talking about the whole "writer's block" thing. He said to write about not being able to write-- I tried that and it led into the rape story. I was talking to Shelbie and I started crying. I thought I was over all that. I guess in the sense of taking a year's events, wrapping them up in a neat little box with a bow and then burying them in the backyard, I am. I almost wouldn't be so bad if he didn't say "I love you" right in the middle.
............
- I love work. More so now than I did before.
- I worked 56.25 hours over break. Amazing paycheck. Amazing experience. It was a lot of fun.
- I like one of my co-workers, but it isn't like I want to date him or anything. I don't know if he likes me, but I don't care, either. He acts like he does sometimes. With my female co-workers and their need to say the stupidest things, he probably has figured out that I like him. Christina for example-- "Everyone here knows you have a big ol' crush on Chad." [Mind you, he's standing there]. I just stood there looking at something I was fixing and smiled, seeing no use in being childish enough to deny it. She's like "Oh, did I say that? I'm just kidding." I just shrugged. We hung out until 5 in the morning that night. Just talking-- we didn't end up having sex afterall.
.............
- As far as Andy goes... I think I have truly given up everything that has to do with him. He and Shelbie broke up. I was going to see him at work for awhile. I'd go around four when I knew he should be getting off as soon as Rachael came in to take over and then we'd sit around and talk awhile. It was fantastic. Well, he and Shelbie got back together over winter break. I saw him and found that much out and it made me think a bit. Mostly that perhaps he isn't as special as I think he is. And being in love with someone for three years is somewhat ridiculous, really. I told Shelbie I wasn't going to go see him anymore, that I was giving up on being his friend. She asked why, clearly a little upset by this, for some reason. I said it was stupid and pointless. "He likes you," she said. "I know. But I'm not you. I'll never be you, so it doesn't matter once you compare it." She said she was sorry as if it was her fault. I love her, but she's not nearly good enough or old enough. But we can't help who we love. It's better this way, anyway...
- I got an electric for Christmas from my father. It's blue and gorgeous. Josh-Boy always seems to feel as if he takes second place to everything from my guitars to my male interests. Perhaps because I never really put the guitars down when he says to and I openly admit that this guy or that one is "pretty." What's it matter, really. He would never date me [and it isn't like I'd want to go out with him], so why should I be solely his. It isn't as if he doesn't make out with other girls or whatever-- because he does.
Well, I'm bored and none of you really care about my stupid life anyway.
♥