Various things..bla, bla
So it's been a while since I've written in the good ole' journal. Not a lot of updates really - just some introspection on my part of the last month or two of my life. A warning to those (few) who do read my live journal accounts - my apologies for any/all of my depressing entries as of late. I know that no one gathers joy from reading them - being that they are depressing, or down-right negative and all - but I really can't help that. I am a very (possibly clincally)depressed individual and like they always say - If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a god damned duck. This is a little space for me to vent on that note, and to just speak out loud when, at other times, I can't. The wake of my written words may be harmful, or down-right party-poopin' to someone, and I apologize - but that's just how it's going to be I suppose.
Moving on
Work is moving along. There's not a lot to say, but I'm a bit stressed out over some training issues and the such. Job evaluation has also loomed over me like a fucking monolith, and I'm getting used to the fact that I pretty much have to play the game exactly the same procedure-wise as everyone else. I think I'm doing a fine job, but I'm so paranoid about everything - my performance, managing co-workers, etc - that I keep myself on edge every day it seems. I need some Kava-Kava, or perhaps smoke pot before work to even me out - but we all know that Chris doesn't like to rely on extraneous substances as an escape. That's the path of cowards and burnouts. Gotta face the music I guess, and act like I'm enjoying the beat. On the note of co-workers, I've been trying my damnest to exclude them from my daily routine it seems. I've figured out that I'm one anti-social mother fucker, having become a recluse at both my job at Sloss and and Bellsouth. I just don't care to get to know these people - too much energy to do that. Besides, I have little to talk to these folks about - most of them are much older than I. I don't feel comfortable talking to most of them - just can't get a good vibe from them. And on terms of relating to them? What am I going to talk to them about? Song-writing? Video games? Guitars? Most of them have children (and/or morgages, etc), which makes my existence as a drifting twenty something with low responsibilties a trivial player in the game of life in the long run to these people, or at least, that's how I feel from the vibes I'm getting. Once again, I don't play by the game - and it's going to burn me in the end, I know it - but I could give a fuck.
In Summary: Cube life fucking sucks dick. Get a job picking oranges in Florida, or sell real estate. The rat race is for the birds, and that's from experience.
No update really on the subject of relationships (did you really need to ask?). I'm still and indefintely single. Mostly by subconsious choice than anything else I guess. I could go out and give it a shot to meet somebody, and attempt to woo them into thinking that I'm a worthwhile person to be around. That could be a good idea, yes. It would be great to not sleep alone anymore, or to hold someone's hand again. I dont see it coming though. I find it hard to believe in myself, much less the notion that there's somone I can just randomly meet and spend a lot of strenous charisma on and score a hit. I don't see it happening. Bad personality trait for me - it's my fault for not trying and squeezing everything bit of social juice out of my current situation to produce a girlfrind, but quite frankly, I don't have the energy for that (and if I dont' even have the gusto for that, then I probably shouldn't even think about a relationship). I miss women though, so much. Can't have your cake and eat it too, i suppose. Touche.
Maybe if I buy expensive clothes, and introduce the color 'pink' into my wardrobe? Put rims on my car? Oh, I forgot all about integrity - nevermind.
Until another time,
Chris
Moving on
Work is moving along. There's not a lot to say, but I'm a bit stressed out over some training issues and the such. Job evaluation has also loomed over me like a fucking monolith, and I'm getting used to the fact that I pretty much have to play the game exactly the same procedure-wise as everyone else. I think I'm doing a fine job, but I'm so paranoid about everything - my performance, managing co-workers, etc - that I keep myself on edge every day it seems. I need some Kava-Kava, or perhaps smoke pot before work to even me out - but we all know that Chris doesn't like to rely on extraneous substances as an escape. That's the path of cowards and burnouts. Gotta face the music I guess, and act like I'm enjoying the beat. On the note of co-workers, I've been trying my damnest to exclude them from my daily routine it seems. I've figured out that I'm one anti-social mother fucker, having become a recluse at both my job at Sloss and and Bellsouth. I just don't care to get to know these people - too much energy to do that. Besides, I have little to talk to these folks about - most of them are much older than I. I don't feel comfortable talking to most of them - just can't get a good vibe from them. And on terms of relating to them? What am I going to talk to them about? Song-writing? Video games? Guitars? Most of them have children (and/or morgages, etc), which makes my existence as a drifting twenty something with low responsibilties a trivial player in the game of life in the long run to these people, or at least, that's how I feel from the vibes I'm getting. Once again, I don't play by the game - and it's going to burn me in the end, I know it - but I could give a fuck.
In Summary: Cube life fucking sucks dick. Get a job picking oranges in Florida, or sell real estate. The rat race is for the birds, and that's from experience.
No update really on the subject of relationships (did you really need to ask?). I'm still and indefintely single. Mostly by subconsious choice than anything else I guess. I could go out and give it a shot to meet somebody, and attempt to woo them into thinking that I'm a worthwhile person to be around. That could be a good idea, yes. It would be great to not sleep alone anymore, or to hold someone's hand again. I dont see it coming though. I find it hard to believe in myself, much less the notion that there's somone I can just randomly meet and spend a lot of strenous charisma on and score a hit. I don't see it happening. Bad personality trait for me - it's my fault for not trying and squeezing everything bit of social juice out of my current situation to produce a girlfrind, but quite frankly, I don't have the energy for that (and if I dont' even have the gusto for that, then I probably shouldn't even think about a relationship). I miss women though, so much. Can't have your cake and eat it too, i suppose. Touche.
Maybe if I buy expensive clothes, and introduce the color 'pink' into my wardrobe? Put rims on my car? Oh, I forgot all about integrity - nevermind.
Until another time,
Chris