A Visit to the Clinic
Always the early riser, Karin was up before the sun again and had gotten dressed and had breakfast. Despite all the fears and worries in her head, she had an unusually peaceful sleep and woke up to find Shugo by her feet when she climbed out of bed. Unfortunately, Karin was more than ready to get out of the house before her mom and Hiroshi woke up, like usual, and head towards the school. Today would be different, however, as Karin shut and locked the front door behind her. Instead of going to school today, she had decided to get out early and walk to the nearest clinic to see what the doctors could tell her of her pregnancy test.
The walk was peaceful and gave Karin plenty of time to think to herself. The morning was nice and brisk and the sun was beginning to peek in over the horizon as Karin ignored the few people at the bus stop and continued walking. There was too much on her mind. What if I am pregnant? What will I do about Zaku... school... Mom... my future? Can I drop everything? But... can I drop the baby? She shook her head several times along the walk, trying to force all the thoughts out of her head and tell herself that everything would be fine. It was a bad dream and the doctor was going to laugh at her and tell her to practice safe sex next time, because she was completely wrong about being pregnant. Tayuya said that the test could be old and that might have something to do with it, right?
Upon arrival at the clinic, Karin had been a little too early for the opening. Traveling eyes around the parking lot showed that there were a few other more patient women sitting in their cars. Some with children, or an elderly relative. A few men as well, although they looked more like they were getting ready to head to work. Without a car of her own, she stood near the front door to await its opening, realizing the few looks she was getting from the people who had been there longer. - Karin had staked out her place in the front of the line.
When the clinic opened, Karin made sure that she was the first name on the list before going and getting comfortable in the waiting room with a magazine. About ten minutes later, even considering that she was the first one in the clinic, she was called back behind the heavy doors and weighed, being taken back into a examination room to talk to the nurse. Karin told the nurse there her problem, and that she thought she might be pregnant, and the nurse jotted down her notes before excusing herself to get the doctor.
After what seemed like another 15 minutes - Seriously, what is with the wait first thing in the morning? Heaven forbid the doctor has twenty other patients to see first... - the doctor finally knocked on the door and came in.
"Mrs... excuse me, Ms. Gozen? Good Morning. Are we doing all right today?" Karin gave the man a hard stare, to which he coughed and continued, "So, you think you might be pregnant? And the nurse noted that you've done a home pregnancy test yourself that came up positive?"
Karin looked down to the floor and only nodded.
"Well, I can let you do another urine test, but I think that a blood test would be better considering. They're able to be more accurate anyways. How about that?"
Karin nodded and listened to the doctor as he continued on about the tests and asking her when she last had her period, when it was due, and if she knew the time of conception for this possible embryo. Even though the latter question was normal routine, Karin got a little more stubborn with the assumption that she had slept around a lot and wouldn't know the date of her "conception". Despite her hostile attitude, the doctor smiled and remained friendly - he had seen her type several times before.
Excusing himself briefly, the doctor headed out of the room and returned with a syringe from where he cleaned off a spot on Karin's forearm and took out a blood sample.
"Ms. Gozen, I'll be sending this to the lab right now. It will be another thirty or so minutes. Can we call you or would you like to remain here?" She had obviously skipped school, even though her spandex yoga-type pants and unzipped hooded sweatshirt and tank top didn't give him a clue to which school uniform she should be wearing.
"I will wait here, if that's ok," Karin replied shortly.
"You're more than welcome to. I'd only ask that you head back out to the waiting room and we'll call you back to an examination room when the test results are determined so that other patients can be treated."
With a nod, Karin clutched her sweatshirt closed tightly and got to her feet, walking back out to the waiting room and taking her seat. On one side, a mother with three young children sat trying to keep a watchful eye on the loud, bouncy kids. Karin frowned and closed her eyes, trying to ignore the tiny screams in her ears. It was the brief lapse of memory from the annoyance before Karin remembered... she might be having a little child like this of her own soon. Slowly, she opened her eyes and watched the mother who, while scolding the children, also had a glow about her and a smile hidden within her scowls. Karin found herself staring in amazement at how this mother really looked proud and accomplished. Of course, then the mother eventually caught her staring as well.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Karin apologized when she received an odd look from the mother. "I was just.. admiring you with your children. You really love them a lot." She finished with a smile.
The mother let out an exhausted but lighthearted smile, "That I do. They're a real handful most of the times, but they're worth ever bit of it." She also smiled, full of warmth, "You must be expecting," she said in an almost whisper. "I remember sitting there in your position a few years back. It seems rough, but you'll make it through it. Where's your husband?"
Karin stopped smiling for a brief moment, and looked away with her lying eyes, "Oh, he got injured last week and needed to stay home. I'm alright coming by myself though."
"Poor dear..." The nurses up front called out another name, and the mother got to her feet, "Good luck with everything. And trust me, it'll be worth it in the end."
After wrangling up her kids, the mother headed into the back after the nurse. Karin waved a little at a young girl who turned back to look at her, and then slouched over in her chair. Is it... really worth it? Karin was no means jealous of the lady having three kids to take care of... but there was something about that lady's eyes that made Karin wish she had known more about it. After the way my mother was... could I be that warm?
Left alone to her thoughts again, Karin missed it when they called her name again. Another louder repeat and Karin finally looked up and followed the nurse back into the neighboring examination room as the one she was previously in. Not long after, the doctor walked in and stood next to the doorway.
"Ms. Gozen, your test results are back and they've shown positive. Dating back, the conception date was right as the levels of HCG in your blood date the embryo back about two or three weeks. Now, you've mentioned that you don't have a normal gynecologist? Well, I'm recommending you to a close collegue of mine and hope that you'll set up an appointment within the next few weeks to start getting you settled with seeing her on a regular basis. My office will call her later and inform her of your transfer... do you... have any questions, Ms. Gozen?"
Sitting there, white as a sheet and immobile, Karin could barely shake her head back to the doctor. When she was excused, Karin walked out of the room like a robot and took care of paying for the visit before walking out of the clinic completely and stopping on the sidewalk to stare at the clouds above her. Everything's... changed.
Pulling out her cell phone, Karin thought immediately about telling Zaku.. soon. Looking at the digital read-out, Karin wasn't sure if he'd even be awake by now. It was about 9:30, so she could head back home, but Zaku's would be in the other direction. Instead, she opened up the text message feature and decided to try reaching him that way.
"Hey Zaku. Was hoping I could stop by again today. Please let me know when would be a good time," she sent the message. After a quick scan of the area, Karin remembered there being a park nearby after the night she looked for Zaku. Figuring that would be a good place to sit and wait on a reply, she made her way to the park.
Zaku had left his cell phone at home while he was at therapy. Things were getting tougher yet easier at the same time when it came to his walking ability as he continued to improve but also as they continued to make him work slightly longer and harder. Zaku didn't mind, though, determined to get better as fast as he could. The doctors had told him there was a chance he wouldn't be able to walk 'correctly' again, but Zaku ignored them. I'm not gonna be a fucking limp the rest of my life... screw them. I'll climb freakin’ Mt Everest to show I'll be ten times as in shape as I was before the accident! Zaku's mental goal-setting pushed him harder, even to the point the doctors lectured him to slow down, even while at therapy.
It was already 10:30 by the time he was on his way home and Tomoko talked to him all the way back about his progress and how the doctors praised his fiery and stubborn spirit to run around again, followed by her being a mother and telling him to slow down a little. Zaku nodded and replied with his usual "Yeah, yeah" each time.
When he finally got home, he ended up back on the couch again, worn out from moving around so much. Sitting under Mini-Fathom, Zaku saw his phone and that the message light was flashing. He sat up to get it and checked the messages, seeing that Karin had sent him one.
After reading, he responded, "Hey Karin. You can come over anytime! You know you don't have to ask."
Receiving a text message an hour later, Karin finally realized that she had been sitting on the playground in a swing the entire time. What the hell? It's already 10:45? Karin opened up her cell phone and looked down to Zaku's text message. She pressed the reply button on her phone and started pressing her reply when she took a moment to stop and look around the park - wondering who might have come and gone past while she was clearly out of it - and then sent her reply back to him, "All right. I'll head over shortly. Are you home alone?"
Zaku was a little surprised by her quick reply, but he was cool with that. "Can't wait to see ya! My mom is here but she likes you so it's okay."
Now consciously swinging on the swings, Karin put her feet to the ground and halted the motion as her cell phone buzzed again. Her thumbs worked themselves along the keypad after reading his text and as she replied back, "Will she be there all day? You know I love your mom, but I kind of need you alone. Not to mention I skipped school."
Zaku read the message over and saw that she had skipped school, something unusual for her, and then he remembered the pregnancy test and a bad feeling started to loom over him. "She leaves for work around 4 and won't be back until around midnight tonight..." he didn't want to seem so serious, but he knew this would be a serious matter and he sighed after sending the message.
"I'll probably stop by around 3:45 then and tell your mother hello. Will see you then. ilu." Karin sent the last text message and got up from her position on the swings. It was way too early to be heading over to Zaku's now though, even if she took breaks along the way. So, Karin headed home to wait until the time got closer and she could head over when Tomoko wouldn't be there long. We'll have to tell her eventually... but I don't think that now is the right time. I want to talk it over with Zaku first.
Almost an hour later, Karin made it back to her house and surprisingly unlocked the door to find that there was still a set of heels in the doorway. Shit. Karin stood in the doorway for a moment, trying to talk herself into sneaking back out of the house, when she heard the voice call out from the hallway, "If you're going to come home early, make sure your mother won't catch you.."
With a sigh, Karin walked in the rest of the way and shut the door behind her, looking to her mother with a guilty face. Tsubame stood there with crossed arms and her hair pulled back, clothes were actually decent for once with a blouse and a normal-length skirt, and glared down at her daughter, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't school get out around 3 on Fridays? What are you doing home so early?"
Karin pulled off her sneakers and avoided her mother's eyes as she sighed, "I wasn't feeling well this morning and I went to the doctor's."
"The doctor's? What's wrong with you? Why didn't you let me or Hiroshi know? One of us could've taken you... since you felt oddly well enough to walk all the way there, I'm sure," Tsubame tapped her bare feet on the hardwood floor impatiently.
"It's not that I'm sick, Mother. I was having some heavy... menstrual cramping and all, so I went to see the doctor. I didn't know I needed permission to go get checked out," Karin sighed again and pushed her way past her mother to walk through to the back of the house and open the back door, letting Shugo walk on inside. At least Shugo will keep Mother from getting too close...
Tsubame scowled when Karin brought the dog in, giving an annoyed huff before turning into the kitchen and calling back out, "Well, whatever, kid. As long as you feel better. I'm heading out for a bit though. Stay home and rest."
Karin sat down on the living room couch and ignored her mother, smiling and talking to Shugo instead until her mother walked out the door.
Once Tsubame was gone, Karin spread out and lied down on the couch with a whimper that got Shugo to stick his cold nose to her side as if he wanted to comfort her... or ask for attention himself. Whatever. As she lay there, her hand dangling from the couch and petting Shugo when he finally lied down beside her and the couch, she thought about all the changes she would have to start making. The people she'd have to tell. The little chance she'd have of getting into one of those really good schools she had her eyes set on. A few tears came to her eyes as she thought about her own mother and Tomoko, wondering if she was even capable of being a good mother herself.
"I don't know if I could even take care of myself, let alone a child... what am I going to do?" she asked aloud to no one, even though Shugo sat up and place his head next to her shoulder on the couch.
Eventually, the hours flew by and Karin had wasted several spells of bargaining and depression as she tried to talk herself through it. Once it got to be around three o'clock, Karin grunted and forced herself to get up, beginning her trek over to Zaku's house once more. Taking the stroll a little bit more leisurely than before, Karin arrived onto his doorstep about 3:40, and seeing the SUV in the driveway, decided to go ahead and knock to see about getting Tomoko to answer the door instead of barging in.
When she heard the knock, Tomoko scurried out of the kitchen to check the door as Fathom barked as usual. She had been fixing up a dinner for Zaku that he could eat while she was gone, and when she checked the time, she didn't even have to guess who it was that was likely at the door.
Opening the door and letting Fathom out, Tomoko put on a friendly smile to greet Karin. "Ah, Karin! What a surprise to see you here today!" she lied, "I am getting ready to leave for work and I'm running a little behind schedule... I'm making some food for Zaku that he could eat later. How are you doing, dear?" Tomoko opened the door wider, welcoming Karin in as Fathom ran around Karin, sniffing her as if he had found something new. "Zaku is on the couch in the living room, so feel free to go say hi to him. I warn you, he's a little tired today. He worked hard at therapy!"
Karin smiled, feeling warmed considerably by Tomoko's friendly demeanor as she followed the lady inside the house, "I'm doing well, Mrs. Tomoko. I hope you are, too?"
Watching her rush back into the kitchen allowed Karin to peek her head in a moment on Zaku, "Hey, Zaku, I'll be with you in a second. Let me see if I can go help your mom," before heading into the kitchen with Tomoko, "Mrs. Tomoko, do you need any help? Since you're in a hurry and all? Please let me know if I can do something for you.."
Tomoko nodded, "I couldn't be better! Apparently, I'll be getting a raise soon, and so will my husband." When Karin had come to the kitchen to help Tomoko, Tomoko was putting together a nice rice ball snack box and once she saw Karin, she decided to ask if she could take over the task. "I'm sure you know where everything is." Tomoko winked at Karin. "Would you like to cook for Zaku tonight? I don't think I have enough time to make him anything else." she glanced up to the clock, eager to go.
Meanwhile, Zaku just lay on the couch silently, thoughts ravaging his mind as Fathom padded up to him, seeking a head rub.
"A raise is always good to get," Karin smiled, and then looking down to what Tomoko had been preparing, she nodded, "I don't mind taking over for you, Mrs. Tomoko. If you need to head on to work, I'd be more than happy to help you and Zaku out." Karin walked over to the counter and looked at what Tomoko did have set out.
Tomoko smiled thankfully, glad that Karin was willing to take over the job. Tomoko secretly hated cooking, but knew she was the only one who could... unless Karin was around. "Thank you so much, Karin!" she started to head towards the entry way to the hall. "I'll be able to get to work on time now!" Tomoko vanished around a corner. Zaku has good taste in girls. Tomoko smiled to herself.
Once Tomoko sped herself out of the kitchen, Karin decided not to follow her again, allowing her to go get ready without Karin tagging along and waiting to see her off. Instead, Karin took another look around the kitchen. I don't know how hungry he's going to be after I'm through with him... Better fix something good beforehand. Pulling a few more items out from the fridge and cabinets, Karin turned on the stovetop and began to see what she could cook up tonight. She hadn't expected to be cooking, but Zaku told her just yesterday that he liked her cooking, so she was more than happy to oblige.
Tomoko hurried and finished getting ready to go and was suddenly right on schedule. Before she left, she checked on Zaku, telling him the usual good byes and to behave himself, and then she went back to the kitchen to check on Karin, letting her knew that she was going to leave. "I won't be home until very late tonight, but if you're still here when I return, I can drive you home again." she said. "And now I am off!" Tomoko waved and cheerfully left the room without a worry in the world.
Karin waved Tomoko off, although she couldn't stop the mental image of seeing Tomoko's cheerful face turn demonic at the news of her beloved son having to stop and take care of a kid that some young girl seduced out of him. Thankful for her absence, Karin started cooking up something and frowning to herself. After burning her fingers on the stove... twice... Karin fixed up a plate and carried it into the living room where Zaku and Fathom sat. With a small smile, she walked over to his side and pulled out a folding tray in front of him that she carried from in the kitchen, and then landed her balancing act of dishes down on the tray as well. A plate full of food, the box of rice, and even a glass of drink for Zaku. "Dinner is served," she bowed politely with a smile.
As soon as Karin had set up everything, Zaku took his time sitting up, gently making sure he wasn't going to hurt anything. He failed to make eye contact with Karin, though he wanted to look at her so badly... it was just hard because he knew what was coming. "Thanks..." he said quietly as he breathed in the essence of the freshly cooked food. "It looks... really good." He began to eat, a little hungry from not eating since he got home from therapy.
Watching Zaku eat definitely made her feel better, because she thought that he might not eat at all. Satisfied, she took a seat close-by on the couch and let him eat. "Hey, Fathom!" she called the dog over and rubbed her hands on his head, nuzzling her head against his with a big smile. There was always something so oddly comforting about burying herself in his white fur coat. Plus it was a nice distraction to avoid the awkward silence she could feel in the air from Zaku's tone of voice.
Fathom whined happily from the attention, wagging his tail hard.
Zaku glanced over slightly, watching Fathom's happiness to just have someone pet him. He then looked back down at his plate while he took another bite. "So... you missed school today...?" he hated the silence.
After taking the chance for another nuzzle into the soft fur, Karin sat up and looked over to Zaku, her hands still busying themselves with scratching at Fathom's head and ears, "Yeah. When I woke up this morning, I decided it was probably best to take the day off and take care of things." Her light tone got a bit more serious, well aware that she was being vague, but didn't want to dive directly into the subject matter at hand while he was in the middle of eating.
"Yeah... I don't blame you..." Zaku took another bite, eyes unfocused somewhere. "Therapy went well today. I got yelled at a few times for pushing myself too much...!" he sniggered, wanting to feel better about everything. "Figures, huh...?"
"Ah, that's right. I wanted to ask how therapy went," Karin mentally kicked herself for not bringing it up first, "but I can imagine you pushing yourself way too hard. Does everything seem to be going ok, at least? Do they have a guess on how much longer it will take you to get back to a more normal gait?"
The lighter subject matter allowed Zaku to look at her, even though it was only for a moment until he shied away again, so he just took another bite of food to pretend as if it was just because he was eating. "Yeah, everything seems good... they think I'm gonna have a permanent limp, though... but I won't let that happen." he looked at Karin again, smiling and giving her a wink. "I decided I'm going to climb Mt Everest someday."
Karin watched the brief glimpse she had of an eye-to-eye connection with Zaku before he turned again, and then the other opportunity as he smiled to her and told her his goal. She couldn't help but smile back at him, somewhat amused and somewhat impressed, "Mt. Everest, hm? That's a pretty big mountain for you to be climbing... but, you know, I think you could do it if you really wanted to. And you're stubborn enough to not back down if you finally got started," she smirked as she pointed out his obvious stubbornness.
Zaku smirked as well, letting himself relax a little more around her. "Yeah, it is one hell of a huge mountain," he turned back to his food, enjoying it. "That just makes it better to show everyone I'm just as good as everyone else, if not better, despite whatever limp I may have and my missing arm. I watched a show about it the other night and I was thinking about it a lot after this one guy with no legs climbed it. I thought to myself, 'If that guy can do it, I definitely can!' and... yeah..." he trailed off, not wanting to do all the talking.
Karin looked away again, pulling one of her hands away from Fathom and frowning at the shed hair in her hand. Brushing it back off onto the top of his head, she pat his muzzle before she stopped petting him for now. "I believe you can do it," she started to trail off, but continued, "And I know that with your determination, you'll overcome that limp the doctors think you'll always have, too."
"Yeah..." Zaku tried to smile, sensing a slight shift in the mood. "I'm gonna have to start small, of course." he decided to continue. "I heard Fuji isn't a hard climb at all, and anyone in even decent shape could go all the way to the top and back in a day." Zaku wasn't sure how long he should keep avoiding the subject that was inevitably at hand, so he decided to just let Karin bring it up... when she was ready... He had news to share as well, but now just didn't seem like the time to mention it.
"I suppose Fuji would be a good place to start," Karin nodded to herself, "So you'll have to dedicate yourself to therapy and getting yourself better, which means not pushing yourself past your current limits - like trying to make your way back up the stairs and hurting yourself." Karin leaned back into the couch cushions and sighed a little, "I'd say that I'd like to go with you, at least up Fuji, but I seriously doubt I'd make it..." She gave a short, small chuckle at that, because she had never been one for climbing... but there was also the fact that she probably wouldn't be capable of too much activity after a few more months went past.
Zaku lost his smile when she chuckled about not making it up, knowing that it wasn't something that should be chuckled about. He picked up the glass and took a drink, washing down the food he had eaten and then started to pick at the small remains and crumbs left behind. "Yeah, I know... I'm not going back up the stairs anytime soon..." he took a long pause. "It won't be for a while before I could try Fuji, unless I get a freakin' miracle." he tossed a little ball of food into his mouth. "I guess it's just good to have finally decided on something for a goal for myself...?" Zaku hated his fear of the future, but that fear seemed like something in the distant past now... he had been thinking of a lot of things over again after he had returned home, though it was partially because he had a lot of free time to do so. "My mom thinks it's a good goal... and she said she would be proud if I could do it..."
Karin fingers had reached out once more for Fathom, but her lack of petting had caused him to settle down at their feet and she could no longer reach his fur. When she actually looked down to see that he was out of reach, she pouted a little to herself in sadness. Listening to Zaku didn't help a whole lot either since he had decided on something he wanted to do with his future, and hers had been put on hold. Even thinking about the fact that she'd still be able to graduate without a child seemed promising, although she knew everyone would know her secret by then. Karin couldn't help but close her eyes and sink further back into the couch, "I'm glad for you, really, and you know that I have faith that you can do it. Still... I wish I knew what my future was going to look like now." There was no real point in leaving the subject there to hang in mid-air, because she knew he knew what was coming. "You probably already know I took the day off to go see the doctor..."
Zaku's expression went flat when she mentioned the doctor and his eyes wandered off to some random point on the floor. "Yeah..." Dammit, I shouldn't have mentioned the future...!! I'm such an idiot... "So... how did that go...?" he looked back up to her, watching her expressions and waiting for her answer. Zaku wasn't particularly eager to know, but he did want to be there for her...
Slowly, Karin's eyes reopened but she looked like a hollow doll, feeling the odd rush of a permanent cold chill run down her body. Staring straight ahead at the wall in front of her, she took a few deep breaths to fight down the rising tears before slowly turning and looking to him as her expression softened a little, "...The doctor confirmed it... with a blood test this time, which he told me was more accurate than the previous test."
Zaku's expression didn't change much after hearing the news and he just let out a heavy sigh, heavy enough to cause his ribs to pain a little, but he ignored them since they were the least of his concerns now. Zaku's eyes drifted to far wall in front of him as well, the same direction Karin was looking. He wasn't sure what he should be thinking about her being pregnant, if there was anything to think at all. How will this change things? What to do next? He looked down at the empty plate before him, all thoughts escaping him as no words could come to mind on what to say. After a long pause, he spoke again. "So... now what do we do?"
A comment, a reply, anything that Zaku could've given her to prove that he heard her and didn't hate her, that was all she needed. When he broke the silence with his question, the tears started creeping out of her eyes and falling down her cheeks as she lay her head into the cushions and looked at him through the moisture, "I don't know... I don't know... I feel terrible that I can't be happy, because aren't most people when they get this kind of news, but this is all too much this time." She remembered the mother and her three kids at the clinic, but her small current bout of depression couldn't let Karin be happy with the idea that she'd one day have a kid, or two, all her own. It didn't seem natural for her to be having a child now. "I feel like crap, but it's all my own fault." She wiped away a tear, "So, I guess I'll press on and do what I need to... we... can?"
Zaku watched as his girlfriend broke down with tremendous force, leaving him a little dumfounded and in the position to be the emotionally 'stable' one. When she finally stopped with an acknowledgement of what he has said to her, Zaku reached out for her hand with a long sigh. "Yeah, Karin... we. I thought I already went over that with you." he added a bit of sternness to his voice, wanting her to just snap out of this depressed state thing she seemed to do whenever things got too tough for her to handle.
Karin wiped away a few more tears and caught her breath again since Zaku didn't, at the very least, sound upset. Once her vision returned, although she had to removed her glasses and wipe away a few tears and fog, she looked back to Zaku with a more presentable face and sighed, "I can't help feeling so... so useless. Like I won't amount to anything. So, I have to aim these emotions at you, and I'm sorry. I'm lost on what I should be thinking though. Should I be happy? Sad? Angry at myself? ... I don't know."
Zaku leaned back on the couch a little, resting his hand on the couch beside him. "I don't know how you should feel..." he looked at her solemnly, "I don't even know how I feel about it..." Zaku leaned his head on the back of the couch and stared up at the ceiling. "But your breaking down and thinking of yourself as 'useless' isn't helping any." he paused, starting to feel bad about lecturing her about that of all things. Isn't it usually the other way around??? "You're good at thinking things through... you don't have to be that way..." he stretched his arm a little and yawned. "God, you make me feel like I have to be the sane one this time. Now I'm really lost. What the hell..." Zaku was taking the matter almost too lightly, reality not yet sinking in, though his sense of reality had been skewed quite a bit after he had ran away from home. "I'm not leaving you, okay? So start thinking clearly or something like you usually do. It's too hard for me to be the one to do that." he grumbled a little.
Karin stared at him blankly until he was finished, completely finished, and ended with his little grumble. Listen to the way he put it made sense though. How do I always find myself losing reason around him when it comes to myself? A small smirk crept along the muscles of her lips and she couldn't help but want to smile when he reassured her that he wasn't going to leave her. "Right, best to not leave you in charge of things, hm?" She reached out and touched his shoulder. "We'll just have to take it one day at a time then, I guess... There was a lady at the doctor's office who seemed to know what I was going through. She told me that everything would work out fine though... Maybe I should believe her.."
Glad that Karin was now willing to keep herself well-composed, Zaku couldn't help but let one side of his mouth smile a little, and her touching his shoulders helped as well. "Haha, yeah! No reason to leave me in charge. I'm not good enough for that." he joked, wanting her to feel better. Zaku wasn't sure about what to say about the woman at the doctor's office since he was still unsure about this whole pregnancy thing to begin with; all he wanted to do was keep Karin's spirits from dropping too low. "Uhh, yeah... maybe you should believe her!" His uneasiness showed on his voice with that part, and he cursed himself for doing so, hoping it wouldn't falter her mood. Reality stunned him for a moment... Uhh wait a second, Karin is really going to have a kid...? The color from his face left briefly as he tried to digest that thought a little. "Well... it can't be that bad to be a mom," Ugh, I don't know what to do!!! "If it was all bad, then nobody would be alive, right?" What the hell... I'm falling to pieces now... "I'll help out every way I can. I promise." It's really true...? Zaku felt himself beginning to panic, but he managed to keep himself together, at least, for now...
Feeling a little bit better about things made it easier to joke around with Zaku, until he started failing miserably at his own light attitude. Karin scooted herself closer to him on the couch, enough to lean her head in to almost being able to rest it on his shoulder, "We'll have to learn as we go along... and I definitely don't want to end up like my mother. Your mom is the best though. I hope I can end up a little like her..." She smiled a little bit and reached her hand out further to cup his cheek in her hand, "I know that you'll be all right, too, you know? Like how you want to climb Mt. Fuji and Mt. Everest. You're strong and capable of it eventually, and I know you'll remain strong and capable."
Zaku looked at her softly when she touched him and listened to her every word and nodded. "I'll stay strong... as long as you're there with me." That was probably good enough to make up for my stumbling words last time! "I...I'm sure my mom can help. She can't have kids of her own so... she might end up being a little excited... after she knocks me on the head for doing it so early..." Zaku made a face, knowing that some ferocious lecture was coming his way, though he was sure his mom will be just as accepting and loving as ever. She always has been, through every one of his stupid mistakes... how could this be any different? "Yeah, I can still do Fuji and Everest... but... what about you? And your future?" Zaku looked at her, concerned. She always had aimed higher than he had when it came to education, and suddenly he felt bad that it could all be taken away...
Karin frowned a little and looked down for a moment, because it was one of the top ten listings on her mind with this pregnancy, and she didn't know what she was going to do about it herself, "I'll still be able to graduate from High School... but I'll probably have to put off college for a while and try harder to get in a good school next time, if I ever get granted another chance." She pulled her hand away from his face but looked back up to him, "I'll have to see what opportunities there are for me first... but I'll figure something out." Mentally, the subject of her education was a field of landmines, but she thought she spit out a decent answer to the point where she almost believed herself.
Zaku wasn't sure if her answer was honest or not, but just left it alone for now. He was sure there was a lot to discuss about this... experience, but his mind was blank. Everything is going by so fast... Zaku closed his eyes. "How much... I don't know..." he tried to figure things out as best he could, but it was hard. Maybe I should just let her do the talking and I'll just listen. "What else is gonna come out of this?? I don't know what to expect... at all... I never really thought... never thought it'd happen..."
Karin sighed a little, "No, neither one of us did... and of course we don't know what to expect. But I'll keep researching, like I do best, and we'll figure things out on our own. I'm sure we'll need a little help somewhere down the line... but we have each other, Zaku." Karin thought further about that last train of thought, "Give it a little time and we can see who will still be around... like your mom. Do you think she'd still want me to be around after this? I'd really hate to disappoint her... And then there's my mother..." Karin cringed a little at the thought, "who we probably shouldn't tell until we definitely have things figured out..."
Zaku didn't want to wait around... the question marks about everything were bugging him more than anything else. Parents were definitely an issue, though... More her mom than mine will be the problem, I'm pretty sure of that. "Of course my mom would still want you around! She's really fond of you! If she is disappointed, then she will still forgive and go on. That's... that's just the kind of person she is...!" Zaku hoped his words were correct, though the lingering possibility he could be wrong was still there, he tried to ignore it, but he just looked down at the couch instead when he trailed off. "It's not like my mom would want to keep you away or anything. And your mom..." he was getting ahead of himself, talking without thinking. "It's not like she can just... throw you out on the street or something, right??"
"In all honesty?" Karin frowned, thinking more on the thought of her mother, "I think what I'm most afraid of from my mother is a big 'Told you so'. I don't think she'd toss me out though. Hiroshi would stop her, if worse came to worse..." However, the possibility was there, and it reminded Karin that one day she was going to have to grow up and learn to deal without having her mother and Hiroshi to knock around... and knew that having a baby would definitely push her to adulthood quicker. With an annoyed groan from thinking, she closed her eyes and let her body fall forward the remaining distance before settling on his shoulder.
Zaku decided not to speak anymore once she rested her head on his shoulder. He reached his arm up to lay it on her back for added closeness. The thought of being... a father was starting to get to Zaku, making him uncomfortable. I'm way too young for this... damn. What am I even going to do? What will I have to do? Zaku wasn't as concerned about his mom as he was his dad. Heh, he probably won't even notice... Fathom got up and stuck his big head between Karin and Zaku, sensing that love was being given without him.
Trying her hardest not to think about anything at all but the warmth of his shoulder on her cheek and his hand resting on her back, a solitary tear fell from Karin’s closed eyes as she let out a deep exhale through her nose, a sigh of sorts. There was way too much that was going to need to be considered with the change in the situation. She’d have to go to school tomorrow, without Zaku, and face her peers. She had to go home tonight, and every other night after that, and face her mother’s stares and Hiroshi’s inquisitive worries. She would have to see Tomoko again and eventually face up to what she’s done. Even despite the fact that the baby now growing inside her was half Zaku’s, she felt completely responsible for it.
I will get stronger and I will face whatever comes at me, she told her self.
A hand went up and idly rubbed her temples as a headache rose through her thoughts. She opened her eyes halfway and visually saw that Zaku was still there with her, and she felt better. There was a lot of be thought of, but right now, she just wanted her peace.
The walk was peaceful and gave Karin plenty of time to think to herself. The morning was nice and brisk and the sun was beginning to peek in over the horizon as Karin ignored the few people at the bus stop and continued walking. There was too much on her mind. What if I am pregnant? What will I do about Zaku... school... Mom... my future? Can I drop everything? But... can I drop the baby? She shook her head several times along the walk, trying to force all the thoughts out of her head and tell herself that everything would be fine. It was a bad dream and the doctor was going to laugh at her and tell her to practice safe sex next time, because she was completely wrong about being pregnant. Tayuya said that the test could be old and that might have something to do with it, right?
Upon arrival at the clinic, Karin had been a little too early for the opening. Traveling eyes around the parking lot showed that there were a few other more patient women sitting in their cars. Some with children, or an elderly relative. A few men as well, although they looked more like they were getting ready to head to work. Without a car of her own, she stood near the front door to await its opening, realizing the few looks she was getting from the people who had been there longer. - Karin had staked out her place in the front of the line.
When the clinic opened, Karin made sure that she was the first name on the list before going and getting comfortable in the waiting room with a magazine. About ten minutes later, even considering that she was the first one in the clinic, she was called back behind the heavy doors and weighed, being taken back into a examination room to talk to the nurse. Karin told the nurse there her problem, and that she thought she might be pregnant, and the nurse jotted down her notes before excusing herself to get the doctor.
After what seemed like another 15 minutes - Seriously, what is with the wait first thing in the morning? Heaven forbid the doctor has twenty other patients to see first... - the doctor finally knocked on the door and came in.
"Mrs... excuse me, Ms. Gozen? Good Morning. Are we doing all right today?" Karin gave the man a hard stare, to which he coughed and continued, "So, you think you might be pregnant? And the nurse noted that you've done a home pregnancy test yourself that came up positive?"
Karin looked down to the floor and only nodded.
"Well, I can let you do another urine test, but I think that a blood test would be better considering. They're able to be more accurate anyways. How about that?"
Karin nodded and listened to the doctor as he continued on about the tests and asking her when she last had her period, when it was due, and if she knew the time of conception for this possible embryo. Even though the latter question was normal routine, Karin got a little more stubborn with the assumption that she had slept around a lot and wouldn't know the date of her "conception". Despite her hostile attitude, the doctor smiled and remained friendly - he had seen her type several times before.
Excusing himself briefly, the doctor headed out of the room and returned with a syringe from where he cleaned off a spot on Karin's forearm and took out a blood sample.
"Ms. Gozen, I'll be sending this to the lab right now. It will be another thirty or so minutes. Can we call you or would you like to remain here?" She had obviously skipped school, even though her spandex yoga-type pants and unzipped hooded sweatshirt and tank top didn't give him a clue to which school uniform she should be wearing.
"I will wait here, if that's ok," Karin replied shortly.
"You're more than welcome to. I'd only ask that you head back out to the waiting room and we'll call you back to an examination room when the test results are determined so that other patients can be treated."
With a nod, Karin clutched her sweatshirt closed tightly and got to her feet, walking back out to the waiting room and taking her seat. On one side, a mother with three young children sat trying to keep a watchful eye on the loud, bouncy kids. Karin frowned and closed her eyes, trying to ignore the tiny screams in her ears. It was the brief lapse of memory from the annoyance before Karin remembered... she might be having a little child like this of her own soon. Slowly, she opened her eyes and watched the mother who, while scolding the children, also had a glow about her and a smile hidden within her scowls. Karin found herself staring in amazement at how this mother really looked proud and accomplished. Of course, then the mother eventually caught her staring as well.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Karin apologized when she received an odd look from the mother. "I was just.. admiring you with your children. You really love them a lot." She finished with a smile.
The mother let out an exhausted but lighthearted smile, "That I do. They're a real handful most of the times, but they're worth ever bit of it." She also smiled, full of warmth, "You must be expecting," she said in an almost whisper. "I remember sitting there in your position a few years back. It seems rough, but you'll make it through it. Where's your husband?"
Karin stopped smiling for a brief moment, and looked away with her lying eyes, "Oh, he got injured last week and needed to stay home. I'm alright coming by myself though."
"Poor dear..." The nurses up front called out another name, and the mother got to her feet, "Good luck with everything. And trust me, it'll be worth it in the end."
After wrangling up her kids, the mother headed into the back after the nurse. Karin waved a little at a young girl who turned back to look at her, and then slouched over in her chair. Is it... really worth it? Karin was no means jealous of the lady having three kids to take care of... but there was something about that lady's eyes that made Karin wish she had known more about it. After the way my mother was... could I be that warm?
Left alone to her thoughts again, Karin missed it when they called her name again. Another louder repeat and Karin finally looked up and followed the nurse back into the neighboring examination room as the one she was previously in. Not long after, the doctor walked in and stood next to the doorway.
"Ms. Gozen, your test results are back and they've shown positive. Dating back, the conception date was right as the levels of HCG in your blood date the embryo back about two or three weeks. Now, you've mentioned that you don't have a normal gynecologist? Well, I'm recommending you to a close collegue of mine and hope that you'll set up an appointment within the next few weeks to start getting you settled with seeing her on a regular basis. My office will call her later and inform her of your transfer... do you... have any questions, Ms. Gozen?"
Sitting there, white as a sheet and immobile, Karin could barely shake her head back to the doctor. When she was excused, Karin walked out of the room like a robot and took care of paying for the visit before walking out of the clinic completely and stopping on the sidewalk to stare at the clouds above her. Everything's... changed.
Pulling out her cell phone, Karin thought immediately about telling Zaku.. soon. Looking at the digital read-out, Karin wasn't sure if he'd even be awake by now. It was about 9:30, so she could head back home, but Zaku's would be in the other direction. Instead, she opened up the text message feature and decided to try reaching him that way.
"Hey Zaku. Was hoping I could stop by again today. Please let me know when would be a good time," she sent the message. After a quick scan of the area, Karin remembered there being a park nearby after the night she looked for Zaku. Figuring that would be a good place to sit and wait on a reply, she made her way to the park.
Zaku had left his cell phone at home while he was at therapy. Things were getting tougher yet easier at the same time when it came to his walking ability as he continued to improve but also as they continued to make him work slightly longer and harder. Zaku didn't mind, though, determined to get better as fast as he could. The doctors had told him there was a chance he wouldn't be able to walk 'correctly' again, but Zaku ignored them. I'm not gonna be a fucking limp the rest of my life... screw them. I'll climb freakin’ Mt Everest to show I'll be ten times as in shape as I was before the accident! Zaku's mental goal-setting pushed him harder, even to the point the doctors lectured him to slow down, even while at therapy.
It was already 10:30 by the time he was on his way home and Tomoko talked to him all the way back about his progress and how the doctors praised his fiery and stubborn spirit to run around again, followed by her being a mother and telling him to slow down a little. Zaku nodded and replied with his usual "Yeah, yeah" each time.
When he finally got home, he ended up back on the couch again, worn out from moving around so much. Sitting under Mini-Fathom, Zaku saw his phone and that the message light was flashing. He sat up to get it and checked the messages, seeing that Karin had sent him one.
After reading, he responded, "Hey Karin. You can come over anytime! You know you don't have to ask."
Receiving a text message an hour later, Karin finally realized that she had been sitting on the playground in a swing the entire time. What the hell? It's already 10:45? Karin opened up her cell phone and looked down to Zaku's text message. She pressed the reply button on her phone and started pressing her reply when she took a moment to stop and look around the park - wondering who might have come and gone past while she was clearly out of it - and then sent her reply back to him, "All right. I'll head over shortly. Are you home alone?"
Zaku was a little surprised by her quick reply, but he was cool with that. "Can't wait to see ya! My mom is here but she likes you so it's okay."
Now consciously swinging on the swings, Karin put her feet to the ground and halted the motion as her cell phone buzzed again. Her thumbs worked themselves along the keypad after reading his text and as she replied back, "Will she be there all day? You know I love your mom, but I kind of need you alone. Not to mention I skipped school."
Zaku read the message over and saw that she had skipped school, something unusual for her, and then he remembered the pregnancy test and a bad feeling started to loom over him. "She leaves for work around 4 and won't be back until around midnight tonight..." he didn't want to seem so serious, but he knew this would be a serious matter and he sighed after sending the message.
"I'll probably stop by around 3:45 then and tell your mother hello. Will see you then. ilu." Karin sent the last text message and got up from her position on the swings. It was way too early to be heading over to Zaku's now though, even if she took breaks along the way. So, Karin headed home to wait until the time got closer and she could head over when Tomoko wouldn't be there long. We'll have to tell her eventually... but I don't think that now is the right time. I want to talk it over with Zaku first.
Almost an hour later, Karin made it back to her house and surprisingly unlocked the door to find that there was still a set of heels in the doorway. Shit. Karin stood in the doorway for a moment, trying to talk herself into sneaking back out of the house, when she heard the voice call out from the hallway, "If you're going to come home early, make sure your mother won't catch you.."
With a sigh, Karin walked in the rest of the way and shut the door behind her, looking to her mother with a guilty face. Tsubame stood there with crossed arms and her hair pulled back, clothes were actually decent for once with a blouse and a normal-length skirt, and glared down at her daughter, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't school get out around 3 on Fridays? What are you doing home so early?"
Karin pulled off her sneakers and avoided her mother's eyes as she sighed, "I wasn't feeling well this morning and I went to the doctor's."
"The doctor's? What's wrong with you? Why didn't you let me or Hiroshi know? One of us could've taken you... since you felt oddly well enough to walk all the way there, I'm sure," Tsubame tapped her bare feet on the hardwood floor impatiently.
"It's not that I'm sick, Mother. I was having some heavy... menstrual cramping and all, so I went to see the doctor. I didn't know I needed permission to go get checked out," Karin sighed again and pushed her way past her mother to walk through to the back of the house and open the back door, letting Shugo walk on inside. At least Shugo will keep Mother from getting too close...
Tsubame scowled when Karin brought the dog in, giving an annoyed huff before turning into the kitchen and calling back out, "Well, whatever, kid. As long as you feel better. I'm heading out for a bit though. Stay home and rest."
Karin sat down on the living room couch and ignored her mother, smiling and talking to Shugo instead until her mother walked out the door.
Once Tsubame was gone, Karin spread out and lied down on the couch with a whimper that got Shugo to stick his cold nose to her side as if he wanted to comfort her... or ask for attention himself. Whatever. As she lay there, her hand dangling from the couch and petting Shugo when he finally lied down beside her and the couch, she thought about all the changes she would have to start making. The people she'd have to tell. The little chance she'd have of getting into one of those really good schools she had her eyes set on. A few tears came to her eyes as she thought about her own mother and Tomoko, wondering if she was even capable of being a good mother herself.
"I don't know if I could even take care of myself, let alone a child... what am I going to do?" she asked aloud to no one, even though Shugo sat up and place his head next to her shoulder on the couch.
Eventually, the hours flew by and Karin had wasted several spells of bargaining and depression as she tried to talk herself through it. Once it got to be around three o'clock, Karin grunted and forced herself to get up, beginning her trek over to Zaku's house once more. Taking the stroll a little bit more leisurely than before, Karin arrived onto his doorstep about 3:40, and seeing the SUV in the driveway, decided to go ahead and knock to see about getting Tomoko to answer the door instead of barging in.
When she heard the knock, Tomoko scurried out of the kitchen to check the door as Fathom barked as usual. She had been fixing up a dinner for Zaku that he could eat while she was gone, and when she checked the time, she didn't even have to guess who it was that was likely at the door.
Opening the door and letting Fathom out, Tomoko put on a friendly smile to greet Karin. "Ah, Karin! What a surprise to see you here today!" she lied, "I am getting ready to leave for work and I'm running a little behind schedule... I'm making some food for Zaku that he could eat later. How are you doing, dear?" Tomoko opened the door wider, welcoming Karin in as Fathom ran around Karin, sniffing her as if he had found something new. "Zaku is on the couch in the living room, so feel free to go say hi to him. I warn you, he's a little tired today. He worked hard at therapy!"
Karin smiled, feeling warmed considerably by Tomoko's friendly demeanor as she followed the lady inside the house, "I'm doing well, Mrs. Tomoko. I hope you are, too?"
Watching her rush back into the kitchen allowed Karin to peek her head in a moment on Zaku, "Hey, Zaku, I'll be with you in a second. Let me see if I can go help your mom," before heading into the kitchen with Tomoko, "Mrs. Tomoko, do you need any help? Since you're in a hurry and all? Please let me know if I can do something for you.."
Tomoko nodded, "I couldn't be better! Apparently, I'll be getting a raise soon, and so will my husband." When Karin had come to the kitchen to help Tomoko, Tomoko was putting together a nice rice ball snack box and once she saw Karin, she decided to ask if she could take over the task. "I'm sure you know where everything is." Tomoko winked at Karin. "Would you like to cook for Zaku tonight? I don't think I have enough time to make him anything else." she glanced up to the clock, eager to go.
Meanwhile, Zaku just lay on the couch silently, thoughts ravaging his mind as Fathom padded up to him, seeking a head rub.
"A raise is always good to get," Karin smiled, and then looking down to what Tomoko had been preparing, she nodded, "I don't mind taking over for you, Mrs. Tomoko. If you need to head on to work, I'd be more than happy to help you and Zaku out." Karin walked over to the counter and looked at what Tomoko did have set out.
Tomoko smiled thankfully, glad that Karin was willing to take over the job. Tomoko secretly hated cooking, but knew she was the only one who could... unless Karin was around. "Thank you so much, Karin!" she started to head towards the entry way to the hall. "I'll be able to get to work on time now!" Tomoko vanished around a corner. Zaku has good taste in girls. Tomoko smiled to herself.
Once Tomoko sped herself out of the kitchen, Karin decided not to follow her again, allowing her to go get ready without Karin tagging along and waiting to see her off. Instead, Karin took another look around the kitchen. I don't know how hungry he's going to be after I'm through with him... Better fix something good beforehand. Pulling a few more items out from the fridge and cabinets, Karin turned on the stovetop and began to see what she could cook up tonight. She hadn't expected to be cooking, but Zaku told her just yesterday that he liked her cooking, so she was more than happy to oblige.
Tomoko hurried and finished getting ready to go and was suddenly right on schedule. Before she left, she checked on Zaku, telling him the usual good byes and to behave himself, and then she went back to the kitchen to check on Karin, letting her knew that she was going to leave. "I won't be home until very late tonight, but if you're still here when I return, I can drive you home again." she said. "And now I am off!" Tomoko waved and cheerfully left the room without a worry in the world.
Karin waved Tomoko off, although she couldn't stop the mental image of seeing Tomoko's cheerful face turn demonic at the news of her beloved son having to stop and take care of a kid that some young girl seduced out of him. Thankful for her absence, Karin started cooking up something and frowning to herself. After burning her fingers on the stove... twice... Karin fixed up a plate and carried it into the living room where Zaku and Fathom sat. With a small smile, she walked over to his side and pulled out a folding tray in front of him that she carried from in the kitchen, and then landed her balancing act of dishes down on the tray as well. A plate full of food, the box of rice, and even a glass of drink for Zaku. "Dinner is served," she bowed politely with a smile.
As soon as Karin had set up everything, Zaku took his time sitting up, gently making sure he wasn't going to hurt anything. He failed to make eye contact with Karin, though he wanted to look at her so badly... it was just hard because he knew what was coming. "Thanks..." he said quietly as he breathed in the essence of the freshly cooked food. "It looks... really good." He began to eat, a little hungry from not eating since he got home from therapy.
Watching Zaku eat definitely made her feel better, because she thought that he might not eat at all. Satisfied, she took a seat close-by on the couch and let him eat. "Hey, Fathom!" she called the dog over and rubbed her hands on his head, nuzzling her head against his with a big smile. There was always something so oddly comforting about burying herself in his white fur coat. Plus it was a nice distraction to avoid the awkward silence she could feel in the air from Zaku's tone of voice.
Fathom whined happily from the attention, wagging his tail hard.
Zaku glanced over slightly, watching Fathom's happiness to just have someone pet him. He then looked back down at his plate while he took another bite. "So... you missed school today...?" he hated the silence.
After taking the chance for another nuzzle into the soft fur, Karin sat up and looked over to Zaku, her hands still busying themselves with scratching at Fathom's head and ears, "Yeah. When I woke up this morning, I decided it was probably best to take the day off and take care of things." Her light tone got a bit more serious, well aware that she was being vague, but didn't want to dive directly into the subject matter at hand while he was in the middle of eating.
"Yeah... I don't blame you..." Zaku took another bite, eyes unfocused somewhere. "Therapy went well today. I got yelled at a few times for pushing myself too much...!" he sniggered, wanting to feel better about everything. "Figures, huh...?"
"Ah, that's right. I wanted to ask how therapy went," Karin mentally kicked herself for not bringing it up first, "but I can imagine you pushing yourself way too hard. Does everything seem to be going ok, at least? Do they have a guess on how much longer it will take you to get back to a more normal gait?"
The lighter subject matter allowed Zaku to look at her, even though it was only for a moment until he shied away again, so he just took another bite of food to pretend as if it was just because he was eating. "Yeah, everything seems good... they think I'm gonna have a permanent limp, though... but I won't let that happen." he looked at Karin again, smiling and giving her a wink. "I decided I'm going to climb Mt Everest someday."
Karin watched the brief glimpse she had of an eye-to-eye connection with Zaku before he turned again, and then the other opportunity as he smiled to her and told her his goal. She couldn't help but smile back at him, somewhat amused and somewhat impressed, "Mt. Everest, hm? That's a pretty big mountain for you to be climbing... but, you know, I think you could do it if you really wanted to. And you're stubborn enough to not back down if you finally got started," she smirked as she pointed out his obvious stubbornness.
Zaku smirked as well, letting himself relax a little more around her. "Yeah, it is one hell of a huge mountain," he turned back to his food, enjoying it. "That just makes it better to show everyone I'm just as good as everyone else, if not better, despite whatever limp I may have and my missing arm. I watched a show about it the other night and I was thinking about it a lot after this one guy with no legs climbed it. I thought to myself, 'If that guy can do it, I definitely can!' and... yeah..." he trailed off, not wanting to do all the talking.
Karin looked away again, pulling one of her hands away from Fathom and frowning at the shed hair in her hand. Brushing it back off onto the top of his head, she pat his muzzle before she stopped petting him for now. "I believe you can do it," she started to trail off, but continued, "And I know that with your determination, you'll overcome that limp the doctors think you'll always have, too."
"Yeah..." Zaku tried to smile, sensing a slight shift in the mood. "I'm gonna have to start small, of course." he decided to continue. "I heard Fuji isn't a hard climb at all, and anyone in even decent shape could go all the way to the top and back in a day." Zaku wasn't sure how long he should keep avoiding the subject that was inevitably at hand, so he decided to just let Karin bring it up... when she was ready... He had news to share as well, but now just didn't seem like the time to mention it.
"I suppose Fuji would be a good place to start," Karin nodded to herself, "So you'll have to dedicate yourself to therapy and getting yourself better, which means not pushing yourself past your current limits - like trying to make your way back up the stairs and hurting yourself." Karin leaned back into the couch cushions and sighed a little, "I'd say that I'd like to go with you, at least up Fuji, but I seriously doubt I'd make it..." She gave a short, small chuckle at that, because she had never been one for climbing... but there was also the fact that she probably wouldn't be capable of too much activity after a few more months went past.
Zaku lost his smile when she chuckled about not making it up, knowing that it wasn't something that should be chuckled about. He picked up the glass and took a drink, washing down the food he had eaten and then started to pick at the small remains and crumbs left behind. "Yeah, I know... I'm not going back up the stairs anytime soon..." he took a long pause. "It won't be for a while before I could try Fuji, unless I get a freakin' miracle." he tossed a little ball of food into his mouth. "I guess it's just good to have finally decided on something for a goal for myself...?" Zaku hated his fear of the future, but that fear seemed like something in the distant past now... he had been thinking of a lot of things over again after he had returned home, though it was partially because he had a lot of free time to do so. "My mom thinks it's a good goal... and she said she would be proud if I could do it..."
Karin fingers had reached out once more for Fathom, but her lack of petting had caused him to settle down at their feet and she could no longer reach his fur. When she actually looked down to see that he was out of reach, she pouted a little to herself in sadness. Listening to Zaku didn't help a whole lot either since he had decided on something he wanted to do with his future, and hers had been put on hold. Even thinking about the fact that she'd still be able to graduate without a child seemed promising, although she knew everyone would know her secret by then. Karin couldn't help but close her eyes and sink further back into the couch, "I'm glad for you, really, and you know that I have faith that you can do it. Still... I wish I knew what my future was going to look like now." There was no real point in leaving the subject there to hang in mid-air, because she knew he knew what was coming. "You probably already know I took the day off to go see the doctor..."
Zaku's expression went flat when she mentioned the doctor and his eyes wandered off to some random point on the floor. "Yeah..." Dammit, I shouldn't have mentioned the future...!! I'm such an idiot... "So... how did that go...?" he looked back up to her, watching her expressions and waiting for her answer. Zaku wasn't particularly eager to know, but he did want to be there for her...
Slowly, Karin's eyes reopened but she looked like a hollow doll, feeling the odd rush of a permanent cold chill run down her body. Staring straight ahead at the wall in front of her, she took a few deep breaths to fight down the rising tears before slowly turning and looking to him as her expression softened a little, "...The doctor confirmed it... with a blood test this time, which he told me was more accurate than the previous test."
Zaku's expression didn't change much after hearing the news and he just let out a heavy sigh, heavy enough to cause his ribs to pain a little, but he ignored them since they were the least of his concerns now. Zaku's eyes drifted to far wall in front of him as well, the same direction Karin was looking. He wasn't sure what he should be thinking about her being pregnant, if there was anything to think at all. How will this change things? What to do next? He looked down at the empty plate before him, all thoughts escaping him as no words could come to mind on what to say. After a long pause, he spoke again. "So... now what do we do?"
A comment, a reply, anything that Zaku could've given her to prove that he heard her and didn't hate her, that was all she needed. When he broke the silence with his question, the tears started creeping out of her eyes and falling down her cheeks as she lay her head into the cushions and looked at him through the moisture, "I don't know... I don't know... I feel terrible that I can't be happy, because aren't most people when they get this kind of news, but this is all too much this time." She remembered the mother and her three kids at the clinic, but her small current bout of depression couldn't let Karin be happy with the idea that she'd one day have a kid, or two, all her own. It didn't seem natural for her to be having a child now. "I feel like crap, but it's all my own fault." She wiped away a tear, "So, I guess I'll press on and do what I need to... we... can?"
Zaku watched as his girlfriend broke down with tremendous force, leaving him a little dumfounded and in the position to be the emotionally 'stable' one. When she finally stopped with an acknowledgement of what he has said to her, Zaku reached out for her hand with a long sigh. "Yeah, Karin... we. I thought I already went over that with you." he added a bit of sternness to his voice, wanting her to just snap out of this depressed state thing she seemed to do whenever things got too tough for her to handle.
Karin wiped away a few more tears and caught her breath again since Zaku didn't, at the very least, sound upset. Once her vision returned, although she had to removed her glasses and wipe away a few tears and fog, she looked back to Zaku with a more presentable face and sighed, "I can't help feeling so... so useless. Like I won't amount to anything. So, I have to aim these emotions at you, and I'm sorry. I'm lost on what I should be thinking though. Should I be happy? Sad? Angry at myself? ... I don't know."
Zaku leaned back on the couch a little, resting his hand on the couch beside him. "I don't know how you should feel..." he looked at her solemnly, "I don't even know how I feel about it..." Zaku leaned his head on the back of the couch and stared up at the ceiling. "But your breaking down and thinking of yourself as 'useless' isn't helping any." he paused, starting to feel bad about lecturing her about that of all things. Isn't it usually the other way around??? "You're good at thinking things through... you don't have to be that way..." he stretched his arm a little and yawned. "God, you make me feel like I have to be the sane one this time. Now I'm really lost. What the hell..." Zaku was taking the matter almost too lightly, reality not yet sinking in, though his sense of reality had been skewed quite a bit after he had ran away from home. "I'm not leaving you, okay? So start thinking clearly or something like you usually do. It's too hard for me to be the one to do that." he grumbled a little.
Karin stared at him blankly until he was finished, completely finished, and ended with his little grumble. Listen to the way he put it made sense though. How do I always find myself losing reason around him when it comes to myself? A small smirk crept along the muscles of her lips and she couldn't help but want to smile when he reassured her that he wasn't going to leave her. "Right, best to not leave you in charge of things, hm?" She reached out and touched his shoulder. "We'll just have to take it one day at a time then, I guess... There was a lady at the doctor's office who seemed to know what I was going through. She told me that everything would work out fine though... Maybe I should believe her.."
Glad that Karin was now willing to keep herself well-composed, Zaku couldn't help but let one side of his mouth smile a little, and her touching his shoulders helped as well. "Haha, yeah! No reason to leave me in charge. I'm not good enough for that." he joked, wanting her to feel better. Zaku wasn't sure about what to say about the woman at the doctor's office since he was still unsure about this whole pregnancy thing to begin with; all he wanted to do was keep Karin's spirits from dropping too low. "Uhh, yeah... maybe you should believe her!" His uneasiness showed on his voice with that part, and he cursed himself for doing so, hoping it wouldn't falter her mood. Reality stunned him for a moment... Uhh wait a second, Karin is really going to have a kid...? The color from his face left briefly as he tried to digest that thought a little. "Well... it can't be that bad to be a mom," Ugh, I don't know what to do!!! "If it was all bad, then nobody would be alive, right?" What the hell... I'm falling to pieces now... "I'll help out every way I can. I promise." It's really true...? Zaku felt himself beginning to panic, but he managed to keep himself together, at least, for now...
Feeling a little bit better about things made it easier to joke around with Zaku, until he started failing miserably at his own light attitude. Karin scooted herself closer to him on the couch, enough to lean her head in to almost being able to rest it on his shoulder, "We'll have to learn as we go along... and I definitely don't want to end up like my mother. Your mom is the best though. I hope I can end up a little like her..." She smiled a little bit and reached her hand out further to cup his cheek in her hand, "I know that you'll be all right, too, you know? Like how you want to climb Mt. Fuji and Mt. Everest. You're strong and capable of it eventually, and I know you'll remain strong and capable."
Zaku looked at her softly when she touched him and listened to her every word and nodded. "I'll stay strong... as long as you're there with me." That was probably good enough to make up for my stumbling words last time! "I...I'm sure my mom can help. She can't have kids of her own so... she might end up being a little excited... after she knocks me on the head for doing it so early..." Zaku made a face, knowing that some ferocious lecture was coming his way, though he was sure his mom will be just as accepting and loving as ever. She always has been, through every one of his stupid mistakes... how could this be any different? "Yeah, I can still do Fuji and Everest... but... what about you? And your future?" Zaku looked at her, concerned. She always had aimed higher than he had when it came to education, and suddenly he felt bad that it could all be taken away...
Karin frowned a little and looked down for a moment, because it was one of the top ten listings on her mind with this pregnancy, and she didn't know what she was going to do about it herself, "I'll still be able to graduate from High School... but I'll probably have to put off college for a while and try harder to get in a good school next time, if I ever get granted another chance." She pulled her hand away from his face but looked back up to him, "I'll have to see what opportunities there are for me first... but I'll figure something out." Mentally, the subject of her education was a field of landmines, but she thought she spit out a decent answer to the point where she almost believed herself.
Zaku wasn't sure if her answer was honest or not, but just left it alone for now. He was sure there was a lot to discuss about this... experience, but his mind was blank. Everything is going by so fast... Zaku closed his eyes. "How much... I don't know..." he tried to figure things out as best he could, but it was hard. Maybe I should just let her do the talking and I'll just listen. "What else is gonna come out of this?? I don't know what to expect... at all... I never really thought... never thought it'd happen..."
Karin sighed a little, "No, neither one of us did... and of course we don't know what to expect. But I'll keep researching, like I do best, and we'll figure things out on our own. I'm sure we'll need a little help somewhere down the line... but we have each other, Zaku." Karin thought further about that last train of thought, "Give it a little time and we can see who will still be around... like your mom. Do you think she'd still want me to be around after this? I'd really hate to disappoint her... And then there's my mother..." Karin cringed a little at the thought, "who we probably shouldn't tell until we definitely have things figured out..."
Zaku didn't want to wait around... the question marks about everything were bugging him more than anything else. Parents were definitely an issue, though... More her mom than mine will be the problem, I'm pretty sure of that. "Of course my mom would still want you around! She's really fond of you! If she is disappointed, then she will still forgive and go on. That's... that's just the kind of person she is...!" Zaku hoped his words were correct, though the lingering possibility he could be wrong was still there, he tried to ignore it, but he just looked down at the couch instead when he trailed off. "It's not like my mom would want to keep you away or anything. And your mom..." he was getting ahead of himself, talking without thinking. "It's not like she can just... throw you out on the street or something, right??"
"In all honesty?" Karin frowned, thinking more on the thought of her mother, "I think what I'm most afraid of from my mother is a big 'Told you so'. I don't think she'd toss me out though. Hiroshi would stop her, if worse came to worse..." However, the possibility was there, and it reminded Karin that one day she was going to have to grow up and learn to deal without having her mother and Hiroshi to knock around... and knew that having a baby would definitely push her to adulthood quicker. With an annoyed groan from thinking, she closed her eyes and let her body fall forward the remaining distance before settling on his shoulder.
Zaku decided not to speak anymore once she rested her head on his shoulder. He reached his arm up to lay it on her back for added closeness. The thought of being... a father was starting to get to Zaku, making him uncomfortable. I'm way too young for this... damn. What am I even going to do? What will I have to do? Zaku wasn't as concerned about his mom as he was his dad. Heh, he probably won't even notice... Fathom got up and stuck his big head between Karin and Zaku, sensing that love was being given without him.
Trying her hardest not to think about anything at all but the warmth of his shoulder on her cheek and his hand resting on her back, a solitary tear fell from Karin’s closed eyes as she let out a deep exhale through her nose, a sigh of sorts. There was way too much that was going to need to be considered with the change in the situation. She’d have to go to school tomorrow, without Zaku, and face her peers. She had to go home tonight, and every other night after that, and face her mother’s stares and Hiroshi’s inquisitive worries. She would have to see Tomoko again and eventually face up to what she’s done. Even despite the fact that the baby now growing inside her was half Zaku’s, she felt completely responsible for it.
I will get stronger and I will face whatever comes at me, she told her self.
A hand went up and idly rubbed her temples as a headache rose through her thoughts. She opened her eyes halfway and visually saw that Zaku was still there with her, and she felt better. There was a lot of be thought of, but right now, she just wanted her peace.