[ Private ] Dear Journal - ... I'm late.
I've had some pains lately. They've been fairly mild, but they always seem to hit at the most inopportune moments. I didn't think anything about it then, but then I managed to look up to my calendar and see that my menstrual cycle was supposed to hit last Monday... and it didn't. Now, it's Monday and I got really worried, because my periods are like an appointment book. They always hit on the exact day they're suppose to...
Last time I left a private post, I was worried about turning into my mother and doing something to Zaku that we'd both regret..
I don't regret it... or, well, I was ok with the consequences. We had a huge fight afterwards, but then things got better. And then it got worse when he got in a fight at school and disappeared for a while, and then I found him and he was hospitalized. He came back home Thursday and I helped to take care of him. It's great to have him back. I really think we're a lot closer after everything.
... but I'm afraid to face him now.
This morning, I felt sick and I skipped school. I'm not sure if it was what Mom cooked the night before or... something else. Mom and Hiroshi both left for the day, and in a panic, I rushed into their bathroom to see if Mom had anything. Anything at all that would make me feel better, more assured. Anything. Sitting in the back of the cabinet under the sink was a pregnancy test. I wondered briefly why she had it, and for how long she had it, but it was unopened, so I went ahead and helped myself. I followed the instructions correctly. I double-checked.
There it was. The lines that matched with the box. Positive. The world dissolved around me and this little strip. I re-read the directions three more times, because I surely did something wrong, but then after confirming it was right, the strip continued to stare me in the face.
... I don't know what to do. I probably need to go see a doctor and see what they can tell me. Insurance won't cover the visit though. I'm not sure if I have the needed cash to pay for it. I mean, it's only going to run between 9,000 and 15,000 yen, but that's still a good bit of money. I don't know what I'll do about telling Zaku. And my mother. Oh, Gods.
Everything in the world got colder suddenly thinking about it. Even Shugo's affection doesn't make the color return to the world. It's just me. Me and this strip. And maybe even a growing life force in me? ... I don't think I can handle this. I need to focus on school and my career. What's Zaku going to think?
I can't stop crying. I have no where to turn. Kami-sama, give me strength.