Failing at romance is a pattern I know well. . .
MJD: So, for Valentine's Day, I'm apparently going the the ballet.
Tina: Does she know you hate ballet?
M: I don't hate ballet. I hated Dracula. I don't mind the classical stuff, and can even get excited about it. I don't necessarly get it, but there's good music and nifty things going on. I just can't wrap my head around the more modern styles at ( Read more... )
Tina: Does she know you hate ballet?
M: I don't hate ballet. I hated Dracula. I don't mind the classical stuff, and can even get excited about it. I don't necessarly get it, but there's good music and nifty things going on. I just can't wrap my head around the more modern styles at ( Read more... )
But it's the only way I can think to describe romance from my point of view. I see it as a series of steps, a way to navigate emotional waters. . . waypoints, really, along the way toward happiness. And I recognize that it's a cold, calculating way to look at it, one that I don't entirely approve of myself, which is why I contextualize it as a game. It's the only way I know to take it seriously. I take delight in planning and thinking about it, but it's the causal factor that I focus on: what will cause the reaction that I want?
Again, I'm going to sound cold and calculating. . . but what I want is to give her what she wants. And that's all I want. And so I spend my time figuring out what she wants, and once I've figured that out, I seek ways to give it to her.
Comments that I should look for things I enjoy to do with the other person, together, are lost on me: I enjoy planning, not doing. I enjoy surprising with something she likes, not enjoying what I surprise her with.
I've no use for things I like in a relationship. They're outside the bounds of the game. They're things I don't need. They're pointless to me, in the context of the relationship. It's why I've never been on a date to a baseball game, for instance. Or why I don't tend to hike with girls I'm interested in.
Add to this the fact that there is a lot of me that I can't share with others, and you come up with an interesting set of issues that make relationships hard enough without me trying to pretend like my needs are or should be important, relationally.
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It sounds like you are trying to be true to your own needs and the way you work, and that's good. Pretending to be something you aren't is doomed to failure.
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Part of me would like a woman who would integrate perfectly into my life. Sure, it'd be nice on some level. But as it stands, I'm less concerned about the woman fitting into my life and more concerned that she thinks I fit into hers.
Besides, taking the ballet as a continued example, I officially don't mind the ballet. I wouldn't be going there of my own free will, no way no how. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to say, "You know, the ballet doesn't excite me. I don't really care if it excites you. Let's do something we're both excited about, instead." That, there, seems to be what people are urging me to say, and I could never, ever say that in a million years.
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See, I think it's great what you are doing, especially since you are aware that this is what works for you. I assume she's aware of this all, too, and she's fine with it. (If she's not aware of how you operate, then *that* would be manipulative, imho). What you say in that last paragraph is great. That's good couple stuff, and ideally each partner does the same for the other...there's a give and take.
Where I think you have gotten into trouble today is in naming it romantic. What is romantic is a fuzzy idea anyway, and I bet everyone has a slightly different definition. But yours is farther afield than most. I'd call what you are doing good couple dynamics, but not romantic.
I just thought of this, but there's a lot of playacting at romance out there. I think a lot of men do the calculating "romance" thing as a way to get what they want in a relationship. And that is not of the good, because it is dishonest. And I think maybe that's what people are upset about. But it doesn't sound like that's what you are doing. If you are being honest, and not playacting, that's cool.
I hope I'm making sense. I'm late for class now!
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Okay, I'm very confused here. How can you ever feel comfortable around someone you're in a relationship with if what you enjoy isn't any part of that relationship? How could you possibly experience any intimacy at all? Wouldn't you always feel like there's a constant space between you, and she could never really be close to you? I honestly have no idea how you work in regards to this.
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Suffice it to say that I find happiness in my relationships without requiring it be all about me, or even partly about me. My happiness is not "We do things I like to do." My happiness is found in "We do stuff that makes her happy, which is what makes me happy."
Happiness happens without me seeking it for myself. *shrugs* I find that seeking it for myself is a problem in most of my relationships. I have this general feeling that "If she's happy, I'm happy. She comes first." And it works.
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Why?
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I can't talk about a large part of my life, and I never will be able to. I'm, personally, fine with that: it's how it has to be for me.
In the end, I'm not free to give all of me to anyone. That's just never going to happen.
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