Failing at romance is a pattern I know well. . .

[chronarchy]

MJD: So, for Valentine's Day, I'm apparently going the the ballet.
Tina: Does she know you hate ballet?
M: I don't hate ballet. I hated Dracula. I don't mind the classical stuff, and can even get excited about it. I don't necessarly get it, but there's good music and nifty things going on. I just can't wrap my head around the more modern styles at

Comments

[qorinda]

It reminds me of a conversation I had with Avery yesterday regarding picking out cabinets and countertops. (How romantic is THAT???)

Basically, we would look at stuff and he'd say, "I like that." And I would say, "Oh, but it doesn't really go. See? How about this?" and he would say, "Whatever you want." And then I said, "But I want YOU to like it too." And he said, "Well, I would rather you be happy than I like it."

I suddenly realized that this is his modus operandi with me.

And he means it.

AND I am happy. ;)

However, I do have this inkling of guilt now, knowing he is foregoing his own pleasure at my expense, so I am on a new campaign to find common ground in our immense diversity of tastes.

[chronarchy]

I wonder if he would say the same thing I would, I were the other person in your relationship, which is, centrally, "The fact that you are willing means a lot to me, but you don't have to do it, and, in fact, I might be happier if we maintain this dynamic. What you have found *is* what makes me happy."

[qorinda]

Yeah, that was basically his response. ;)

[gothicdruid]

Waking up after 11 years together to realize that I was deferring to my first wife's aesthetic because it was a level of our relationship that seemed more important to her than to me and coming to the understanding that I had gradually come to resent that fact was actually the deciding factor in my choosing to end the marriage. (There were other factors, but that was the final one that I couldn't get past.) We stay in touch and I still like and respect her, but it really is important to strive for mutuality in the way other posters have suggested. Just my two cents.

[duriyah]

I do think a lot of men do that. Not so much the men I've been with; I'm looking at marriages from the outside here, and noone's in particluar :) I see it in pop culture a lot. I think it would make me uncomfortable and frankly, since I'm a very aesthetic person, I think a shared aesthetic is vital to the success of my relationships.

I'm sorry your marriage ended, but I'm glad you were able to realize what you needed.

[nontacitare]

One partner should never have to defer to the other partner in matters that concern you both. A marriage should be a place where both parties may equally express their views and be listened to, and where both parties' opinions are seen as equally valid.