Hiding under masks.
so...
...
I haven't been happy in about 2 years now. ...it's... ... empty, and nothing has been able to fill it. the one thing that did... I fucked up AGAIN - as I do - and... ...so what if i'm not a fucking virgin? ...the hell does that bullshit even matter?? ...i'm still alone so... fat lot of shit that did.
...I'm at Erik's. ...I was invieted over this week to hang out since his parents were out. ...oh yeah - thought that one through buddy. it's not that i'm not having fun... I'm having alot of fun... with Erik... and Jan... ..... i'm happy for him and they're really cute. ...just wish... I was happy - that he could be happy for me.
...was I happy before? ...I...dunno. ...eeryone says... I'm better off. ...no i'm not. ...I got an AMEX - how fucking stupid was that? ...yeah... a fucking AMEX - smooth move fucker... ...
This is such a fucking emo post but I need to post it. Erik's great... Jan's great, I'm glad I can be friends with both. ... just wish I had someone like that. ...not to sound mean... and I don't mean this against anyone... I just really wish my girlfriends would get along with my friends... it's different with guys... we don't need constant talking... and thought... we just need to exist... that's enough - I just re-fucking realized it... ...it's not abusive, it's all in good fucking fun - guys do stupid shit with and to each other without any fucking thought of any consiquences, and when they DO happen and shit goes sour then a good friend steps up to it.
Erik has stepped up to it with me - as has Caruh, and Dex... I know that these three people - if they ever met together - may just tear each others heads off - I say this, not as a judgement of reactions, I say it on a methphorical level - meaning their personality's would clash... I have an odd feelings about it all... I don't know if it'll make sense.
...now without school I have all of this shit to cascade down upon me like a river of guilt held back by procrastination.
Alison is a whole other story. ...god she's a great girl... I got mixed signals from her recently. I... we both expected a relationship - it's just the distance scared the both of us. ...I want to try and close the distance, but she's scared of it still. she also mentions a guy... and she's had a girl friend recently. ...I need to talk serious with her again... I've got to figure this out before I loose her for good - she's too speical to loose, she's just like me... she's everything I could possibly want... ...and she likes me too... .......fucking money and distance.
I'm not going to wollow in my self pity - i'm picking myself the fuck up - I stagnated for two years in Canton and in SCCC - but I came back to Gibbs, I had my share of success and failure, and I got on top.
This Quarter I finished strong - VERY strong.
Internship 5 credits: A
Network Infratstructure 4 credits: B-
Active Directory Services 4 Credits: A-
Introduction to Lit 3 Credits: A
Oral Communication 3 Credits: A
Total Cum for the quarter: 3.77
Total Cum for the fucking Degree: 3.5 (Qualifying me for 3,000 dollars of cash toward my loans)
I'm getting Alison to say yes or no to me - I don't care the outcome, I can't stand this grey area any-fucking-more.
...
I haven't been happy in about 2 years now. ...it's... ... empty, and nothing has been able to fill it. the one thing that did... I fucked up AGAIN - as I do - and... ...so what if i'm not a fucking virgin? ...the hell does that bullshit even matter?? ...i'm still alone so... fat lot of shit that did.
...I'm at Erik's. ...I was invieted over this week to hang out since his parents were out. ...oh yeah - thought that one through buddy. it's not that i'm not having fun... I'm having alot of fun... with Erik... and Jan... ..... i'm happy for him and they're really cute. ...just wish... I was happy - that he could be happy for me.
...was I happy before? ...I...dunno. ...eeryone says... I'm better off. ...no i'm not. ...I got an AMEX - how fucking stupid was that? ...yeah... a fucking AMEX - smooth move fucker... ...
This is such a fucking emo post but I need to post it. Erik's great... Jan's great, I'm glad I can be friends with both. ... just wish I had someone like that. ...not to sound mean... and I don't mean this against anyone... I just really wish my girlfriends would get along with my friends... it's different with guys... we don't need constant talking... and thought... we just need to exist... that's enough - I just re-fucking realized it... ...it's not abusive, it's all in good fucking fun - guys do stupid shit with and to each other without any fucking thought of any consiquences, and when they DO happen and shit goes sour then a good friend steps up to it.
Erik has stepped up to it with me - as has Caruh, and Dex... I know that these three people - if they ever met together - may just tear each others heads off - I say this, not as a judgement of reactions, I say it on a methphorical level - meaning their personality's would clash... I have an odd feelings about it all... I don't know if it'll make sense.
...now without school I have all of this shit to cascade down upon me like a river of guilt held back by procrastination.
Alison is a whole other story. ...god she's a great girl... I got mixed signals from her recently. I... we both expected a relationship - it's just the distance scared the both of us. ...I want to try and close the distance, but she's scared of it still. she also mentions a guy... and she's had a girl friend recently. ...I need to talk serious with her again... I've got to figure this out before I loose her for good - she's too speical to loose, she's just like me... she's everything I could possibly want... ...and she likes me too... .......fucking money and distance.
I'm not going to wollow in my self pity - i'm picking myself the fuck up - I stagnated for two years in Canton and in SCCC - but I came back to Gibbs, I had my share of success and failure, and I got on top.
This Quarter I finished strong - VERY strong.
Internship 5 credits: A
Network Infratstructure 4 credits: B-
Active Directory Services 4 Credits: A-
Introduction to Lit 3 Credits: A
Oral Communication 3 Credits: A
Total Cum for the quarter: 3.77
Total Cum for the fucking Degree: 3.5 (Qualifying me for 3,000 dollars of cash toward my loans)
I'm getting Alison to say yes or no to me - I don't care the outcome, I can't stand this grey area any-fucking-more.