horroscopes
I'm a little bored, so I decided to add a new monthly(?) column to my journal
I introduce to you, the official Dark and Pessimistic Horroscopes
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
As an aquarius, water rules your destiny. Still... while studies say drinking at least 10 cups of black or green tea a day will significantly increase your life span, it will not be a worthwhile life as all your extra years will be spent in the bathroom. Re-examine your so-called religion. Take a much closer look at what’s really important to you. Order a very high number on the extra value meal chart.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Caution: A single drop of water can tear asunder the face of a mountain - once it freezes. I suggest only showering in the summer. Sunblock... Use more Sunblock. Have you ever seen an old piece of bacon? That will be you if you don't use the block. Yogurt in a tube. Nasty in thought, appealing in taste. Try the yogurt. You have a creamy weekend theme.
aries
March 21 - April 19
Your Mercury is in retrograde. It is getting a new muffler, antique rims, a dual Holly four barrel, and the reupholstering should be done next week. What you don't own a Mercury? Sorry, wrong number. Eat the fish.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
If you're going to go walking in the dark dressed like a dead person, at least remember to strap a reflective strip to your head - that way when you die, they'll be able to find your body with a flash light - mother said. Caramel Delites Girl Scout cookies.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
Never ever ever quit smoking while you have 4 feet of responsibility in your two shoes. Stop reading Cosmo and find an old copy of Bitch. Don't buy Maxim, get a book. Put down the game pad and walk in the rain. Your number for the weekend is 3.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
Oh my god is something interesting going to happen to you. It is certain. Something interesting that you will have to relate to your peers is going to happen to you by Sunday. Please don't sit in the house all weekend and make me look stupid... ok? KFC.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Listen, no one has cursed you. No one is causing you to bleed every month. It's just your period and you've been reading too much Harry Potter. Attacked by He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named? Please.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Somewhere along a lonesome highway there is a lonesome man walking a lonesome walk looking for lonesome dead squirrels for his stew. Stay the hell away from that guy! While you're at that, consider the other people it would just be better to avoid. Buy more condiments. Your condiments are running low. Somewhere someone or something special is waiting for you. Is it ketchup or true love? Go find out. Caesar Chef Salad.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
Your fish has died and its tank mates have eaten off the entire tail, head, and fins - leaving a floating fish carcass that looked like a miniature double halibut filet floating at the surface. This is either a metaphor for letting your guard down or a gross tale to tell. Tea cakes.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Take your mind off of things by inflicting mental torment on people. Find someone's pens in their pen jar and arrange them all pointy side up. Do this for days. If you are trying to drop some bad for you or annoying habit, remember it takes 19 days to pick up a new habit, so uncommon sense would say that it takes three times as long to drop an old. It is all about distraction. Sushi.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The Sun is in Aquarius and the Moon is in Gemini. Unfortunately you are dating Gemini, the moon is your best friend, the Sun slipped some veterinary horse tranquilizer in your drink while you were at the bar, and even though you found the Sun very cute, you're still going to have to press charges. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
While in a pubic restroom stall, you will become embroiled in a bitter custody battle with the toilet paper dispenser for it's small square perforated sheets. Eventually you will win because you have greater intestinal fortitude than the dispenser and neither of you are a tree. Are you sticking to that budget? If you are, good work. If not then it is time to enlist someone to smack you in the ass. At least you will get some foreplay before the collection agencies start to call and you get evicted. Lasagna.
I introduce to you, the official Dark and Pessimistic Horroscopes
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
As an aquarius, water rules your destiny. Still... while studies say drinking at least 10 cups of black or green tea a day will significantly increase your life span, it will not be a worthwhile life as all your extra years will be spent in the bathroom. Re-examine your so-called religion. Take a much closer look at what’s really important to you. Order a very high number on the extra value meal chart.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Caution: A single drop of water can tear asunder the face of a mountain - once it freezes. I suggest only showering in the summer. Sunblock... Use more Sunblock. Have you ever seen an old piece of bacon? That will be you if you don't use the block. Yogurt in a tube. Nasty in thought, appealing in taste. Try the yogurt. You have a creamy weekend theme.
aries
March 21 - April 19
Your Mercury is in retrograde. It is getting a new muffler, antique rims, a dual Holly four barrel, and the reupholstering should be done next week. What you don't own a Mercury? Sorry, wrong number. Eat the fish.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
If you're going to go walking in the dark dressed like a dead person, at least remember to strap a reflective strip to your head - that way when you die, they'll be able to find your body with a flash light - mother said. Caramel Delites Girl Scout cookies.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
Never ever ever quit smoking while you have 4 feet of responsibility in your two shoes. Stop reading Cosmo and find an old copy of Bitch. Don't buy Maxim, get a book. Put down the game pad and walk in the rain. Your number for the weekend is 3.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
Oh my god is something interesting going to happen to you. It is certain. Something interesting that you will have to relate to your peers is going to happen to you by Sunday. Please don't sit in the house all weekend and make me look stupid... ok? KFC.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Listen, no one has cursed you. No one is causing you to bleed every month. It's just your period and you've been reading too much Harry Potter. Attacked by He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named? Please.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Somewhere along a lonesome highway there is a lonesome man walking a lonesome walk looking for lonesome dead squirrels for his stew. Stay the hell away from that guy! While you're at that, consider the other people it would just be better to avoid. Buy more condiments. Your condiments are running low. Somewhere someone or something special is waiting for you. Is it ketchup or true love? Go find out. Caesar Chef Salad.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
Your fish has died and its tank mates have eaten off the entire tail, head, and fins - leaving a floating fish carcass that looked like a miniature double halibut filet floating at the surface. This is either a metaphor for letting your guard down or a gross tale to tell. Tea cakes.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Take your mind off of things by inflicting mental torment on people. Find someone's pens in their pen jar and arrange them all pointy side up. Do this for days. If you are trying to drop some bad for you or annoying habit, remember it takes 19 days to pick up a new habit, so uncommon sense would say that it takes three times as long to drop an old. It is all about distraction. Sushi.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The Sun is in Aquarius and the Moon is in Gemini. Unfortunately you are dating Gemini, the moon is your best friend, the Sun slipped some veterinary horse tranquilizer in your drink while you were at the bar, and even though you found the Sun very cute, you're still going to have to press charges. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
While in a pubic restroom stall, you will become embroiled in a bitter custody battle with the toilet paper dispenser for it's small square perforated sheets. Eventually you will win because you have greater intestinal fortitude than the dispenser and neither of you are a tree. Are you sticking to that budget? If you are, good work. If not then it is time to enlist someone to smack you in the ass. At least you will get some foreplay before the collection agencies start to call and you get evicted. Lasagna.