The funeral of Brother James
I thought the recitations would keep me on a quiet and unobtrusive course: 'in my father's house there are many 'dwelling places''- (they aren't 'mansions' anymore apparently, or maybe that was the Episcopalians)...'this do in remembrance of me', that one really famous part of ecclesiastes: a time to this and a time to that -
'A time to snivel through funeral Mass- A time to re-frain from sni-vel-ling'
I kept wanting to leap to my feet and say loudly(not shout) "FISHING. My father is not wafting around with a stupid harp, and he's not crowding up to the soapbox to hear stupid Paul, if there is a heaven and all you people seem pretty sure there is, then my dad's FISHING. His legs work and he has big strong shoulders and he can eat whatever he wants and he might eat some FISH, he's FISHING."
I told aunt J.. this and she hugged and patted me and said dear, of course, yes and lots of other wonderful things.
I blew my nose and said 'but especially fishing'.
Everyone was very kind and let me alone long enough to pull myself together.
I practiced saying 'thank you' to sympathy condolence gestures, instead of saying, "Don't be sorry, he didn't want to be fed through a stomach tube for the rest of his life and he said so."
Fumbling to remember which elderly lady is which cousin-of-my-father, enduring the stares which I expected (I left my hat on whenever I could and since it was winter my scars were not in evidence) packing six deep into somebody's car to go back to my aunt's house.
I made my brother drive me to a liquor store (it isn't like here, you can't just go to Safeway,Pennsylvania has special stores though you can buy beer off sale at a bar) ...and proceeded to get gently tanked. I had a lovely visit with one of my cousins, he hadn't changed a bit for 25 years- well, he does have a wife and kid and if he doesn't shave he'll grow a beard, but does that count? nah.
It all seems sort of unreal. The thing that still gets me every so often is when I have a wonder about something involving chemistry, and I think, Oh I'll ask my dad next time I talk to him if I remember and if he feels good enough that day'...
and then I remember I can't.
My dad's third wife, now widow, told me the best years of her life were with him.
I couldn't really say the same but then I am daughter not partner.
I still have his forehead, and now I have his laptop as well. It's more 'useful' than 'keepsake'- my siblings took most of his nifty stuff- what was I going to do, stuff a 2-foot chunk of tree trunk fossil into my carry-on? Please.
Because of my recently injured arm I was seconded to sort out his personal papers into boxes to be returned to sender. My mom doesn't get back most of hers because I was there and the eldest for the whole divorce thing when it went down and I didn't want to hear about it any more ever from either of the two original participants.
This is a command decision I do not regret, and my sister concurred. Besides we sequestered the clock which was apparently extremely significant.
I cheerfully caused to be burned, with much hooting and many remarks, all correspondence involving that-bitch-his-second-wife..
I also inherited one of his old handicap license plates, it's the old format, blue and beige, and next to the wheelchair icon it says 'SNGL'.
I didn't really notice the lettering until I got home- now I wonder- I'm on for 'single', but there have been other guesses- 'snuggle', 'snaggle'- and I keep catching myself on the verge of saying 'Well, I'll just ask my dad next time I talk to him, if he's feeling ok that day'...
'A time to snivel through funeral Mass- A time to re-frain from sni-vel-ling'
I kept wanting to leap to my feet and say loudly(not shout) "FISHING. My father is not wafting around with a stupid harp, and he's not crowding up to the soapbox to hear stupid Paul, if there is a heaven and all you people seem pretty sure there is, then my dad's FISHING. His legs work and he has big strong shoulders and he can eat whatever he wants and he might eat some FISH, he's FISHING."
I told aunt J.. this and she hugged and patted me and said dear, of course, yes and lots of other wonderful things.
I blew my nose and said 'but especially fishing'.
Everyone was very kind and let me alone long enough to pull myself together.
I practiced saying 'thank you' to sympathy condolence gestures, instead of saying, "Don't be sorry, he didn't want to be fed through a stomach tube for the rest of his life and he said so."
Fumbling to remember which elderly lady is which cousin-of-my-father, enduring the stares which I expected (I left my hat on whenever I could and since it was winter my scars were not in evidence) packing six deep into somebody's car to go back to my aunt's house.
I made my brother drive me to a liquor store (it isn't like here, you can't just go to Safeway,Pennsylvania has special stores though you can buy beer off sale at a bar) ...and proceeded to get gently tanked. I had a lovely visit with one of my cousins, he hadn't changed a bit for 25 years- well, he does have a wife and kid and if he doesn't shave he'll grow a beard, but does that count? nah.
It all seems sort of unreal. The thing that still gets me every so often is when I have a wonder about something involving chemistry, and I think, Oh I'll ask my dad next time I talk to him if I remember and if he feels good enough that day'...
and then I remember I can't.
My dad's third wife, now widow, told me the best years of her life were with him.
I couldn't really say the same but then I am daughter not partner.
I still have his forehead, and now I have his laptop as well. It's more 'useful' than 'keepsake'- my siblings took most of his nifty stuff- what was I going to do, stuff a 2-foot chunk of tree trunk fossil into my carry-on? Please.
Because of my recently injured arm I was seconded to sort out his personal papers into boxes to be returned to sender. My mom doesn't get back most of hers because I was there and the eldest for the whole divorce thing when it went down and I didn't want to hear about it any more ever from either of the two original participants.
This is a command decision I do not regret, and my sister concurred. Besides we sequestered the clock which was apparently extremely significant.
I cheerfully caused to be burned, with much hooting and many remarks, all correspondence involving that-bitch-his-second-wife..
I also inherited one of his old handicap license plates, it's the old format, blue and beige, and next to the wheelchair icon it says 'SNGL'.
I didn't really notice the lettering until I got home- now I wonder- I'm on for 'single', but there have been other guesses- 'snuggle', 'snaggle'- and I keep catching myself on the verge of saying 'Well, I'll just ask my dad next time I talk to him, if he's feeling ok that day'...