wow. i dont know.
i guess its been a while. i haven't written anything since last week at the TSE show.
i dont really have anything elaborate or deep to say, and i dont really feel like writing, but i need to i guess. idk.
anyway, so i got a new job, and i guess its gonna be okay. the pay isnt as great as expected. and it kinda makes me feel like... one of those irresponsible old guys that works and mcdonalds and stuff. like, im nothing great or spectacular, but somehow it feels childish and insulting. i dont know. i like odd jobs. you know? not like normal jobs where people can be like "oh yeah, i worked there. blah blah blah is a real bitch isn't she? yeah, i hated my manager." i like jobs, actually, kindof in a field where i dont really know what im doing, because its fun to learn. like at comp cams, i didn't know jack about cars, or shipping. thats what made it different i guess. im not sure. what i know right now though, is that im super in debt about 1,200 dollars, and i need to get out of this quicksand fast. i hate being broke.
and, im still single. what's new, right? im actually... not enjoying it, per say, but im not discontent with it. im not really super lonely these days. who knows. i guess because ive almost decided that this idea in my head of not getting married and not having children and stuff like that is actually a good theory, and idealistic for my life. i mean, seriously. what the hell am i gonna do with a kid? im 19 years old, and i still suck with babies and stuff. and as far as the wife goes, i can't hold a commitment to save my life. its not that i dont want to or dont try, but it seems like every time somethings lasted a little longer than expected, i take my mind off the catastrophe, and THEN comes the downfall. i just can't imagine myself being happy with one person. like, im not saying that i need more than one person's love - i certainly dont - but... im not too good at keeping just one person content. i think im one of two things:
a. too bland and not spontaneous enough. or
b. far too complex and over analytical.
i really like to think that the thoughts i have are new and fresh, and no one has ever thought them before. i do have a lot of crazy ideas and stories build in my brain. like, i honestly dont understand how any other human thats ever breathed can feel the way i do sometimes. its special to me, to be in that zone. that, manic depressive, yet beautifully soothing, soft self hatred. i know it sounds crazy, but its where i get to the core of me. like, when i break down like that, i can feel different things, and i can be myself. i dont know, im not trying to say that who i truly am is a suicidal psychopath, because i really am happy. i really am.
but i can still have a normal day, out and doing whatever, but i know that as soon as i get alone, i'll be pulled back into that trance. i can't really say im not okay with it either. ha, i'd like to say it's the "money-maker" but none of my stories or writings are credible that much. i'd like to write better, but im sort of scared that means going deeper into that alone time... and that really is scary. ive never been real bad before, but it gets rough.
i think its like a plane crash, or a flight through super bad weather. like, there's turbulence, and everything shakes - in a figurative sense, of course - and if i tried to look out the window, i'd see black skies and lightning. you could look down and see the dark water of the ocean, and the waves at would be mega high. i feel like its like that, but i always stay in the air. and i have this super bad feeling that where ill find the words and feelings inside of me to make my story perfect... is the day i get so low that i skim the top of the water... and almost crash, inches even, but i dont...
maybe one day that plane will crash. i feel that would be better for the world sometimes.
i dont really have anything elaborate or deep to say, and i dont really feel like writing, but i need to i guess. idk.
anyway, so i got a new job, and i guess its gonna be okay. the pay isnt as great as expected. and it kinda makes me feel like... one of those irresponsible old guys that works and mcdonalds and stuff. like, im nothing great or spectacular, but somehow it feels childish and insulting. i dont know. i like odd jobs. you know? not like normal jobs where people can be like "oh yeah, i worked there. blah blah blah is a real bitch isn't she? yeah, i hated my manager." i like jobs, actually, kindof in a field where i dont really know what im doing, because its fun to learn. like at comp cams, i didn't know jack about cars, or shipping. thats what made it different i guess. im not sure. what i know right now though, is that im super in debt about 1,200 dollars, and i need to get out of this quicksand fast. i hate being broke.
and, im still single. what's new, right? im actually... not enjoying it, per say, but im not discontent with it. im not really super lonely these days. who knows. i guess because ive almost decided that this idea in my head of not getting married and not having children and stuff like that is actually a good theory, and idealistic for my life. i mean, seriously. what the hell am i gonna do with a kid? im 19 years old, and i still suck with babies and stuff. and as far as the wife goes, i can't hold a commitment to save my life. its not that i dont want to or dont try, but it seems like every time somethings lasted a little longer than expected, i take my mind off the catastrophe, and THEN comes the downfall. i just can't imagine myself being happy with one person. like, im not saying that i need more than one person's love - i certainly dont - but... im not too good at keeping just one person content. i think im one of two things:
a. too bland and not spontaneous enough. or
b. far too complex and over analytical.
i really like to think that the thoughts i have are new and fresh, and no one has ever thought them before. i do have a lot of crazy ideas and stories build in my brain. like, i honestly dont understand how any other human thats ever breathed can feel the way i do sometimes. its special to me, to be in that zone. that, manic depressive, yet beautifully soothing, soft self hatred. i know it sounds crazy, but its where i get to the core of me. like, when i break down like that, i can feel different things, and i can be myself. i dont know, im not trying to say that who i truly am is a suicidal psychopath, because i really am happy. i really am.
but i can still have a normal day, out and doing whatever, but i know that as soon as i get alone, i'll be pulled back into that trance. i can't really say im not okay with it either. ha, i'd like to say it's the "money-maker" but none of my stories or writings are credible that much. i'd like to write better, but im sort of scared that means going deeper into that alone time... and that really is scary. ive never been real bad before, but it gets rough.
i think its like a plane crash, or a flight through super bad weather. like, there's turbulence, and everything shakes - in a figurative sense, of course - and if i tried to look out the window, i'd see black skies and lightning. you could look down and see the dark water of the ocean, and the waves at would be mega high. i feel like its like that, but i always stay in the air. and i have this super bad feeling that where ill find the words and feelings inside of me to make my story perfect... is the day i get so low that i skim the top of the water... and almost crash, inches even, but i dont...
maybe one day that plane will crash. i feel that would be better for the world sometimes.