Funny Stuff- You Know You're a Stripper When...: christywild

christywild

Funny Stuff- You Know You're a Stripper When...

Feb 07, 2007 23:43

Found this thread on stripperweb, and had to post the ones that I, at least, have done at one point or another...either that or the ones that are just soooo funny! Oh, and for the record, for those who may not know already, I don't have the typical real name/stage name problems- it's just soo much easier just to be Christy 24/7, ya know?

You Know You're a Stripper When...

You are in a public place, and a guy calls out your stage name, as you start to respond you realize he's not even talking to you.
You buy baby wipes in bulk, and you dont have any kids.
You have to touch up your nail polish on your toes every 1-2 days b/c it chips from being on stage.
when you go out with 'regular' friends and feel the need to censor yourself on the dancefloor.
your body creaks more than your grandmother's.
your selection of costumes, high heels and makeup competes with that of a drag queen.
When a cute guy tries the pickup line " don't I know you?" and you immediately think he must be a customer.
you think nothing of buying something for fifty dollars and paying for it all in ones
You don't take offense to hearing "nice tits"
You have to "think" when you introduce yourself
You have to make an effort to remember to move the top half of your body when you go out dancing
your friends all come to you when the need to borrow some sparkly accesory like rhinestone bracelets, chokers, necklaces, etc.
you have mini versions of every regular sized product in the world in ur purse at any given moment
When you can tell the difference between a friend who comes to the club or a customer by how they treat you when they run into you in public. A friend will let you decide if the people around you would be cool with you saying hello.
When you have plenty of dollar bills but not a single quarter to make a call with.
When a man with manners can make your night a little better (sometimes a LOT better)
When a man who brings chocolate to the club can become one of your best friends (and all of you KNOW what I mean here)!
when you spend more on beauty products in one month than you used to spend on those items in a year
when you can tell at a glance if someone has a boob job
you hear a good song on the radio and automatically start thinking of how you can work it on stage.
you think of songs you like in terms of whether it will be a good early/late song or a good 'crowd' song.
when going out clubbing with friends, you are the only one who doesn't complain about the cover charge and drink prices - they're cheaper than what you're used to.
when a quite night at home sounds better than going out
you cheerfully browse through Frederick's of Hollywood and Victoria's Secret catalogs in public
you feel your waitress' pain
You can try on an outfit in a fitting room in 20 seconds or less, without taking off your shoes
You have bruises on your knees
you have an extensive corporate clientelle base that would make your bank manager jealous.
you have to fight the urge to give your boyfriend a lapdance in the VIP booth of a NIGHTCLUB when a sexy song comes on
Your idea of "Buisness Attire" is most of the Victoria's Secret catalog, your old highschool cheerleader uniform, and a Catholic School girl uniform.
Can't remember your real name anymore when it comes to filling out paper work.
When you can walk all night in 7 inch platforms, but when youre walking up the steps to your house in adidas sandals, you bust your ass
you can run up and down 2 flights of stairs in six inch stilettos at full speed while applying lipgloss.
you can turn down the most stupid, childish pickup line and still make the guy smile and beg for more.
you have never spun a record in your life but you are the neighborhood music expert.
when you can be perfectly ready to go out in 15 minutes or less.
When you can repair anything with concealer, a garter, three rubber bands and a large safety pin.
When you walk past the children's school uniform section and think, "Work clothes!"
When three inch heels make you feel short.
When you have to be really careful what name you call your friends in front of their children.
"Mommy, why did she call you Candy?"
"Oh, that's just my silly nickname, sweetie!"
when you're on a first name basis with the entire 3rd shift crew of Waffle House, IHOP, and Denny's.
you consider platform shoes and an ID as standard items to bring to a job interview.
you wake up in the morning, hop in the shower, go to shave your legs and realize you still have your garter on from the night before.
you realize that you'll NEVER had a problem coming up with a costume for Halloween. (In fact you probably have at least one outfit for every holiday!)
you commonly get splinters on parts of your body that would make others say, "How the hell did you get one there?"
You have to make up an excuse where you work when your parents come over and see your work bag.
Your male friends can't wait to meet your co-workers.
You're out dancing at a normal bar or club and there are moments when you feel lost without a pole.
you know ALL the words to Cherry Pie
You drop something on the floor, and when you squat down to pick it up, your butt comes back up first, and then your straight back as you flip your hair back when you reach standing again.
You experience that longer-than-normal eye contact with someone on the street that you know you've seen at the club
you go jewelry shopping at Claire's
tanning/nails/ped is high priority
You have 3 cans of FDS that are all almost empty.
Your 18 yro brothers friends seem to always be at your moms house in large numbers when you're home to visit
You call everyone baby, baby doll, honey, sweetie, darling and dont even think twice about it
You plan vacations around clubs in the area
names in your address book, msn, phone have 2 names
You spend more time in a salon in a month then the avg woman spends in a year. And you think nothing of it
You know all conventions, at home football ..basketball games schedules without attending any
You have walked around naked ..changed clothes ... talked to someone naked without going " oh shit thats my room mates bf " and she thinks nothing of it because shes' a dancer too
your best lingerie is worn at work
undressing involves taking off your thong/shorts/pants/even dresses, flinging them from the tip of your foot up into the air and catching them in your hand in places like department store dressing rooms and your own bathroom before you shower
When you have to coach your kid about6 what is and is not appropriate to say in front of Grandma, at church, etc.
the first thing you always do is plug in your straightening iron
On laundry day, your laundry hamper emanates waves of cigarette smell, cheap perfume, and self-tanner
You can see more clearly in the dark club filled with blacklights than you can in the daylight
Your sister in law asks if you know of any DJs who do weddings and you can think of 5 off the top of your head
When you are out in public and you hear the perfect song for a stage set and you have to fight the urge to start dancing
when a tube top doubles as a skirt
You have never owned a recording of, nor listened to a radio station that plays the song, "My Hump." However, you know all the lyrics by heart
your message machine on your cell is an ambiguous, "hey... it's me... leave a message!" because you can't let your customers know your real name, and you can't let your family members/other not-in-the-know real life acquaintances know your stage name
you've described a girl to your mother, along with numerous details about her, but your mother is deeply confused because you've referred to her as both "Brittni" and "Lauren"
your grocery cart consists of protein bars, energy drinks, lipgloss and baby wipes
When all of your purchases revolve around what you can use for the club and what you can right off on your taxes
when you go shopping for regular clothes and see something then automatically think "this is cute for work"

Hope ya'll enjoy these!

work, funny