ending this.
Two exams down, two to go. Funny I feel both drained and panicky at the same time.
I want to lay down in bed all day or watch Mad Men or talk with B online but I still have to read three stories for our Lit finals tomorrow. Suddenly, forcefully, nothing seems to make sense. I feel like I've been floating through today, like my doppelganger is taking all of my exams, while somewhere the real me is still sleeping, afraid or too lazy to wake up. My head feels hot but that may just be psychosomatic. I feel like I'm wading in a thick goop of mollasses, and something feels WRONG, ODD, and MISCONSTRUED.
I want all of it to end, but I'm afraid of the nothingness that comes at the close. I'm afraid of the long stretch of days ahead. (I've given up hoping for a decent internship, and I'll probably just spend the summer lounging around =P) At the same time I'm coming to realize just how shallow the world I'm revolving in really is; daily I'm inundated with propaganda and motivational happy perky people who want me to go outside myself and become a Man For Others. The transparency of their campaign just sickens me; then I feel guilty and there's a little lurch in my stomach asking me why the heck don't I respond to The Call To Servant Leadership, and I begin to wonder where all this leads, again and again.
Yesterday Burny and I went mall hopping and I had so much fun. We hadn't seen each other for a good while and he had some (laughably mundane) errands to run. We ate lunch at Tokyo2 in Trinoma then took the train to MOA to explore the stalls and play some arcade games before having an early dinner at French Baker. My feet ached from all the walking we did and he kept mentioning the reptilian ancestry of George W. Bush and the English monarchy at random moments throughout the day and I was already tuning him out coz I wanted to go home and sleep.
But on the train ride back home we were both silent. I was contemplating all of the things I still needed to do, the paths opening up ahead of me (and all the opportunities I'd already forgone - yes I'm very much self-aware of this too), and all these thoughts kept clouding and confusing and meshing together in my head. On the other hand, turns out he was just nursing a bad stomach XD
I guess the genesis for this slump was the tragic news later that evening that his good friend Nicky had already passed away. It was so sudden! I'd seen him a couple of times last year, but we hadn't really talked whenever he came around, so I wasn't sure how to react. Turns out he had been hospitalized for a week due to a sudden disease of the kidney, then boom. Lights out. Just like that. He was 30 years young, I think.
Burny was crying and I didn't know what to say or do, or if I was expected to do anything at all. Suddenly my own choices and thoughts seemed rather distant and disgusting to me. Especially the fact that I was too indifferent to care or react properly at the time. It didn't help that there was this random idiot who was blackmailing me through email at the time, plus the fact that I still had two final exams the next day (today). It was as if there was this looming sense of otherworldliness, a mistrust of all the things I'd come to know as normality, and I was suddenly responsible for balancing the weight of the entire world on my shoulders.
Then reality came back and I realized nothing has changed. There's this online Pisay signature campaign where Ron pointed out something silly chenes chenes but whatnot; I haven't heard neither hide nor hair from my anonymous "stalker"; people are still preoccupied with their lives, and getting through the rest of this infernal week and onto summer. People die every day, that's just it - there's nothing new in that.
I just wish I were strong enough to accept Reality for what it is, instead of being nauseated by its extreme otherness. And I wish there were a drug strong enough to numb myself from what I know, to get away from all this.
I can't believe I just took two final exams in this state.
I want to lay down in bed all day or watch Mad Men or talk with B online but I still have to read three stories for our Lit finals tomorrow. Suddenly, forcefully, nothing seems to make sense. I feel like I've been floating through today, like my doppelganger is taking all of my exams, while somewhere the real me is still sleeping, afraid or too lazy to wake up. My head feels hot but that may just be psychosomatic. I feel like I'm wading in a thick goop of mollasses, and something feels WRONG, ODD, and MISCONSTRUED.
I want all of it to end, but I'm afraid of the nothingness that comes at the close. I'm afraid of the long stretch of days ahead. (I've given up hoping for a decent internship, and I'll probably just spend the summer lounging around =P) At the same time I'm coming to realize just how shallow the world I'm revolving in really is; daily I'm inundated with propaganda and motivational happy perky people who want me to go outside myself and become a Man For Others. The transparency of their campaign just sickens me; then I feel guilty and there's a little lurch in my stomach asking me why the heck don't I respond to The Call To Servant Leadership, and I begin to wonder where all this leads, again and again.
Yesterday Burny and I went mall hopping and I had so much fun. We hadn't seen each other for a good while and he had some (laughably mundane) errands to run. We ate lunch at Tokyo2 in Trinoma then took the train to MOA to explore the stalls and play some arcade games before having an early dinner at French Baker. My feet ached from all the walking we did and he kept mentioning the reptilian ancestry of George W. Bush and the English monarchy at random moments throughout the day and I was already tuning him out coz I wanted to go home and sleep.
But on the train ride back home we were both silent. I was contemplating all of the things I still needed to do, the paths opening up ahead of me (and all the opportunities I'd already forgone - yes I'm very much self-aware of this too), and all these thoughts kept clouding and confusing and meshing together in my head. On the other hand, turns out he was just nursing a bad stomach XD
I guess the genesis for this slump was the tragic news later that evening that his good friend Nicky had already passed away. It was so sudden! I'd seen him a couple of times last year, but we hadn't really talked whenever he came around, so I wasn't sure how to react. Turns out he had been hospitalized for a week due to a sudden disease of the kidney, then boom. Lights out. Just like that. He was 30 years young, I think.
Burny was crying and I didn't know what to say or do, or if I was expected to do anything at all. Suddenly my own choices and thoughts seemed rather distant and disgusting to me. Especially the fact that I was too indifferent to care or react properly at the time. It didn't help that there was this random idiot who was blackmailing me through email at the time, plus the fact that I still had two final exams the next day (today). It was as if there was this looming sense of otherworldliness, a mistrust of all the things I'd come to know as normality, and I was suddenly responsible for balancing the weight of the entire world on my shoulders.
Then reality came back and I realized nothing has changed. There's this online Pisay signature campaign where Ron pointed out something silly chenes chenes but whatnot; I haven't heard neither hide nor hair from my anonymous "stalker"; people are still preoccupied with their lives, and getting through the rest of this infernal week and onto summer. People die every day, that's just it - there's nothing new in that.
I just wish I were strong enough to accept Reality for what it is, instead of being nauseated by its extreme otherness. And I wish there were a drug strong enough to numb myself from what I know, to get away from all this.
I can't believe I just took two final exams in this state.