The Death of Monogamy
I just read a friend's blog over on Myspace. It was muy politico. There were points made, one of them being that Clinton's infedilty isn't comparable to Bush's abuse of power. A woman commented that she could never respect a man who couldn't be faithful to his wife. The blogger responded that there is a long list of men who have done great things for this country that she must therefore not respect. She responded that she could recognize someone's great achievement/contribution without respecting them.
Which of course got my wheels turning.
The whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" idea allows us me to still "respect" men like Bill Clinton, despite the fact that he lied under oath about a blowjob. But should I? I mean, why do we, as a culture, place so little value on marriage? And on the bonds of marriage? People get married on a whim, with absolutely no intention of honoring any of their stated vows, much less the "til death do us part" part. People get married five, six, seven times, as if it's a sport to see how many ex's they can rack up. I'm not saying that divorce shouldn't be an option. Some people are perfectly miserable in marriage, and quite frankly, the rest of us shouldn't have to be subjected to it.
This same woman said she gets deeply offended when men chose to stay in their marriages and cheat rather than get a divorce. But what exactly would that accomplish? That's not exactly helpful to the institution of marriage either, is it? So I wonder: Are men really incapable of a monogamous relationship? Or more to the point, of a marriage without cheating?
All men are dogs. All men are scum. All men cheat. No one is more tired of hearing this than me. Because it's not true. All men aren't scum. All men aren't dogs. But I'm wracking my brain for a married man that I know personally who I would swear has never cheated (not that my swearing actually means he didn't, but I'd give him points for the benefit of the doubt, at least). My great-grandfather cheated. My grandfather cheated. A lot. My step-father cheated. My uncle cheated. My band director cheated. Both of them. My former pastor cheated. That one knocked me for a loop, but only for about five minutes. Then I got over it. Because he was a great pastor, and I knew he really cared about me. But shouldn't I not feel warmly about him because I know he's an adulterer? I know some younger people who are married, and I would swear they haven't cheated. Yet. But they're still newly married. We're talking marriages of three years or less. Not that it takes a long time for adultery to happen, but I hardly consider three years the benchmark of a successful marriage.
The men of my family hardly make up a random or complete sampling, but you get the point. I could toss in some friends, like one friend of mine who was conceived while his father was married to a woman other than his mother. He's the proof that his father's a cheater. Of course, there's my other friend whose marriage ended because of the wife's infidelity, not his, so maybe he's the answer to my question? More so the exception, since his ex-wife was (and I'm sure still is) an unqualified bitch who we all told him not to marry in the first place. See? I'm not saying that men alone are incapable. I'm just trying to figure out why we seem to be especially incapable.
Is it biology? It is sociology? Do we really need so much sex that one person simply isn't enough physically to supply us with it? Or do we simply expect not to have to settle for one person? Since, you know, we're men. And this is patriarchy. And we rule. I'm not asking if a man, singular, is capable. I'm sure some guy somewhere would have no problem being faithful. I'm asking if men, collectively, as a species, could be. As in, 75% of us or more.
I wouldn't cheat. I honestly believe that. I find it very, very difficult to imagine a situation where I would be "intimate" with someone other than the person I was currently committed to. I'd be very tempted to say never, in fact. Very, very tempted. But I can't. Because for all the scenarios that I could imagine, there's got to be a hundred more that I didn't think about. That I can't plan for. And since, the last time I checked, I was still shy of perfect, nothing is guaranteed. So if you can't trust yourself, how can you trust anyone else? What exactly is the point of getting married in the first place?
Which of course got my wheels turning.
The whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" idea allows us me to still "respect" men like Bill Clinton, despite the fact that he lied under oath about a blowjob. But should I? I mean, why do we, as a culture, place so little value on marriage? And on the bonds of marriage? People get married on a whim, with absolutely no intention of honoring any of their stated vows, much less the "til death do us part" part. People get married five, six, seven times, as if it's a sport to see how many ex's they can rack up. I'm not saying that divorce shouldn't be an option. Some people are perfectly miserable in marriage, and quite frankly, the rest of us shouldn't have to be subjected to it.
This same woman said she gets deeply offended when men chose to stay in their marriages and cheat rather than get a divorce. But what exactly would that accomplish? That's not exactly helpful to the institution of marriage either, is it? So I wonder: Are men really incapable of a monogamous relationship? Or more to the point, of a marriage without cheating?
All men are dogs. All men are scum. All men cheat. No one is more tired of hearing this than me. Because it's not true. All men aren't scum. All men aren't dogs. But I'm wracking my brain for a married man that I know personally who I would swear has never cheated (not that my swearing actually means he didn't, but I'd give him points for the benefit of the doubt, at least). My great-grandfather cheated. My grandfather cheated. A lot. My step-father cheated. My uncle cheated. My band director cheated. Both of them. My former pastor cheated. That one knocked me for a loop, but only for about five minutes. Then I got over it. Because he was a great pastor, and I knew he really cared about me. But shouldn't I not feel warmly about him because I know he's an adulterer? I know some younger people who are married, and I would swear they haven't cheated. Yet. But they're still newly married. We're talking marriages of three years or less. Not that it takes a long time for adultery to happen, but I hardly consider three years the benchmark of a successful marriage.
The men of my family hardly make up a random or complete sampling, but you get the point. I could toss in some friends, like one friend of mine who was conceived while his father was married to a woman other than his mother. He's the proof that his father's a cheater. Of course, there's my other friend whose marriage ended because of the wife's infidelity, not his, so maybe he's the answer to my question? More so the exception, since his ex-wife was (and I'm sure still is) an unqualified bitch who we all told him not to marry in the first place. See? I'm not saying that men alone are incapable. I'm just trying to figure out why we seem to be especially incapable.
Is it biology? It is sociology? Do we really need so much sex that one person simply isn't enough physically to supply us with it? Or do we simply expect not to have to settle for one person? Since, you know, we're men. And this is patriarchy. And we rule. I'm not asking if a man, singular, is capable. I'm sure some guy somewhere would have no problem being faithful. I'm asking if men, collectively, as a species, could be. As in, 75% of us or more.
I wouldn't cheat. I honestly believe that. I find it very, very difficult to imagine a situation where I would be "intimate" with someone other than the person I was currently committed to. I'd be very tempted to say never, in fact. Very, very tempted. But I can't. Because for all the scenarios that I could imagine, there's got to be a hundred more that I didn't think about. That I can't plan for. And since, the last time I checked, I was still shy of perfect, nothing is guaranteed. So if you can't trust yourself, how can you trust anyone else? What exactly is the point of getting married in the first place?