nervous breakdown
It's just one of those days.
You know, I haven't been so well these last weeks, there were lots of tiny things that angered me and some big things too. I feel like all of it has cumulated into one big black cloud of anger and depression. I get headaches more often and always feel so very very tired even though I got nine hours of sleep and coffee. That's not normal.
Just a few hours ago, I was having lunch with my younger brother and I kind of told he what bugged me. And then it came to me: there's so much more that really bugged and hurt me that I was able to admit to myself. I almost started crying when I was talking to him, I guess he noticed that, but I could controll myself.
It started with me losing my sunglasses. Now you have to know that spring is coming and my sensible eyes don't like that half-sun light and all the clouds. I need them every day. Otherwise I get headaches because of squinting my eyes together so I can see a bit better.
Then, my flatmate and her boyfriend decided to stay at home (which is my home as well) every single night. Now I don't want to spoil things for them but I really don't like that. Plus I don't fall asleep easily, which means I get to hear how funny the two are and more. It seems they don't respect that someone else is living here, at least that's what it feels to me. And I hate it when he sleeps over and she leaves for work. Today for example I went to Uni quite early and as I got home he didn't even turn the microwave and coffee-machine off. Hello, this is waste of electricity and I don't want anything to happen, like say a fire, in my kitchen.
Then, I lost my mp3-player. I have no frakking idea how that could have happened as it always stays in my jacket when I am at work. And I was at work last Friday, to discover the mp3-player isn't there anymore when I wanted to go home. That really crushed me, I need my music to survive the train ride to work and stuff.
Also my parents cut off every single supporting money (pocket-money) I get. Got. Whatever. I am now short of 200-something€ (approx. 200 Dollars) every month. Haha. Also, the way my dad told me about it was crappy, made me want to puke. He just did it without consulting me beforehand. We've had a talk about Money weeks before and he said it was okay with him to support me still, as long as I kept studying Psychology and tried to end it as Master. I wanted to be of help to him when I said that he should shorten the money but I never ever meant he should cut it completely! As hard as it sounds: money is everything. I can't buy food, clothes, shoes, haircuts, books, entertainment with my love for the world and my family. Frak it.
And now they left me with 380€ to pay for University. What a joke.
(I am too anxious to have a look at my account-- what if there isn't enough money? I got payment from my work but I also paid the rent, which leaves 300€ ... you do the math. I'm over 80€ behind, and it's the beginnig of the month)
I feel like my parents abandoned me. I mean, they didn't even talk it over with me and that's what they normally do.
What did I forget? Oh, well my grandpa is dying of cancer, my friends don't listen to me anymore and rarely have time to meet with me, I'm kind of in love with a guy at work who uses the same tricks on all of our female workers, I am eating sososo much and can't stop myself anymore (frakking shit, I gained so much weight over the winter!), I work so many days a week that I barely have time to tidy up or clean my room let alone the flat, the weather is dreary, my bike needs an overall treatment (costs money), I wanted to buy myself a new computer for my birthday but I don't have the money anymore, I need holidays.
So when I was done with lunch and decided to take a walk, I found myself concentrating very hard on not crying publicly.
I am home now but there are no tears, not anymore. Instead of talking to someone (ha, who exactly? I feel like there is no one near me who'd listen) I reasoned myself out of this dark pit. I still feel down, but it's more like apathy than depression now. I'll manage because that's what I always do. Always. I won't tell anyone just like everytime I feel like this.
But I needed to write it off my soul.
You know, I haven't been so well these last weeks, there were lots of tiny things that angered me and some big things too. I feel like all of it has cumulated into one big black cloud of anger and depression. I get headaches more often and always feel so very very tired even though I got nine hours of sleep and coffee. That's not normal.
Just a few hours ago, I was having lunch with my younger brother and I kind of told he what bugged me. And then it came to me: there's so much more that really bugged and hurt me that I was able to admit to myself. I almost started crying when I was talking to him, I guess he noticed that, but I could controll myself.
It started with me losing my sunglasses. Now you have to know that spring is coming and my sensible eyes don't like that half-sun light and all the clouds. I need them every day. Otherwise I get headaches because of squinting my eyes together so I can see a bit better.
Then, my flatmate and her boyfriend decided to stay at home (which is my home as well) every single night. Now I don't want to spoil things for them but I really don't like that. Plus I don't fall asleep easily, which means I get to hear how funny the two are and more. It seems they don't respect that someone else is living here, at least that's what it feels to me. And I hate it when he sleeps over and she leaves for work. Today for example I went to Uni quite early and as I got home he didn't even turn the microwave and coffee-machine off. Hello, this is waste of electricity and I don't want anything to happen, like say a fire, in my kitchen.
Then, I lost my mp3-player. I have no frakking idea how that could have happened as it always stays in my jacket when I am at work. And I was at work last Friday, to discover the mp3-player isn't there anymore when I wanted to go home. That really crushed me, I need my music to survive the train ride to work and stuff.
Also my parents cut off every single supporting money (pocket-money) I get. Got. Whatever. I am now short of 200-something€ (approx. 200 Dollars) every month. Haha. Also, the way my dad told me about it was crappy, made me want to puke. He just did it without consulting me beforehand. We've had a talk about Money weeks before and he said it was okay with him to support me still, as long as I kept studying Psychology and tried to end it as Master. I wanted to be of help to him when I said that he should shorten the money but I never ever meant he should cut it completely! As hard as it sounds: money is everything. I can't buy food, clothes, shoes, haircuts, books, entertainment with my love for the world and my family. Frak it.
And now they left me with 380€ to pay for University. What a joke.
(I am too anxious to have a look at my account-- what if there isn't enough money? I got payment from my work but I also paid the rent, which leaves 300€ ... you do the math. I'm over 80€ behind, and it's the beginnig of the month)
I feel like my parents abandoned me. I mean, they didn't even talk it over with me and that's what they normally do.
What did I forget? Oh, well my grandpa is dying of cancer, my friends don't listen to me anymore and rarely have time to meet with me, I'm kind of in love with a guy at work who uses the same tricks on all of our female workers, I am eating sososo much and can't stop myself anymore (frakking shit, I gained so much weight over the winter!), I work so many days a week that I barely have time to tidy up or clean my room let alone the flat, the weather is dreary, my bike needs an overall treatment (costs money), I wanted to buy myself a new computer for my birthday but I don't have the money anymore, I need holidays.
So when I was done with lunch and decided to take a walk, I found myself concentrating very hard on not crying publicly.
I am home now but there are no tears, not anymore. Instead of talking to someone (ha, who exactly? I feel like there is no one near me who'd listen) I reasoned myself out of this dark pit. I still feel down, but it's more like apathy than depression now. I'll manage because that's what I always do. Always. I won't tell anyone just like everytime I feel like this.
But I needed to write it off my soul.