(no subject)
Dear Alcohol
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst ofendless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering
about your intentions.While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart,
I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question
the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m.Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the
day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chilli sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few cheese curls & chilli cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I
think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know
a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have s e x.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst ofendless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering
about your intentions.While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart,
I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question
the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m.Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the
day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chilli sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few cheese curls & chilli cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I
think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know
a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have s e x.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.