the tale of the tell tale heart
i was breathless
i was throwing and kicking and punching
i could feel the tears run down my face so rapidly
i choked
i screamed
my heart had never felt so much -hate
- as i washed my face with the two palms full of cold icy water
i looked at the reflection.
so many questions
so much time
so much love
just so much just so many
as i reached for the knob to leave the only place i knew was safe
i glanced once more at her. at me
faked a smile
and walked right out.
so it began almost forever ago
the girl who would do anything
but not anything with anybody
or anything with somebody
just anything
anything that could would of benefit me
i dont blame my mom and dad
my brother sister dog cat aunts and uncles
i dont blame that cousin who witnessed the first step to delinquency.
i would just...
too much had been on my plate since i could barely remember
the stuggles the pain the heartache the fucking abuse
i needed an outlet
i needed something that i could of control...
so.
i lost everything that ever mattered to a beautiful girl.
i lost my value
my worth
my dignity
my pride
my heart
my soul.
but i trade it in for power.
i ran it like a fucking milk factory
all that it was accounted for
i was that little one who hung out with the cool kids
that had something to do on the weekends
that partied and bullshit with the notorious pack.
i was the queen.
it never hit me that it was wrong
it never put guilt on my chest
it didnt feel like it was a burden.
i just got use to the routine.
it was just too easy.
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
so my double life took its toll.
it lead to late nights. drinking drugs cutting
-never getting out of bed
-never going to school
-never wanting needing
-never was, ever happy.
i stopped for a while.
i just started cutting.
all i did was cut
cut cut cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started hating me
i started hating my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
things would hurt me easily.
i cried
all the time
i felt depressed
i felt alone
i felt disgusted
i never spoke to anyone about it
i never tried
to let anyone in
no one knew me.
not even me.
it continued.
i was running in circles
like a fucking hamster on its wheely
thinking hes going to get somewhere
it was all that id known
it was all that i would do
i never thought it would bite me in the ass
i never thought i would have to speak of it
i didnt want this connotation
i stopped.
dating was fun
they didnt want nothing
they never tried nothing
i would pay sometimes
they would pay sometimes
i never went to anymore parties like that
i never drank anymore like that
i never high-rised anymore like that
they just wanted to know me.
conversations on the phone till late nights
butterflies in my stomache
the anticipation to see them again
i dated without any intimacy
and it was lovely.
i started to smile. i started to live again
i glew. i sang. i danced
it was like feeling the sun shine for the first time
after a long long cold and dark bitter winter.
thats when i met them
an introduction that made their eyes lit.
i thought saying i was a lesbian would scare these boys off
no. they loved it.
knowing though, they never did try anything on me.
they called me out to hang
they called me out to chill
they called me out to be -friends.
so i went along with it
hey. no obligations right?
i felt free. liberated.
i felt happy.
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
so my double life took its toll- again
but
there was one that stood out from them all
he was just, brilliant.
he had swag
he had class
he had charm
he had what i wanted in my life.
i was. let it be known. interested.
we talked alot. i mean alot.
he had weekends free to talk alot. i mean alot.
i liked him alot. i mean alot.
then...
i went to his house.
and i fucked up. BIG TIME
huge
monsterous
gi-fucking-gantic
i told him i cringed because...
i should of said it all. i should of told him.
i should of let it be known...
but he played it off and i did too.
again.
i was running in circles
like a fucking hamster on its wheely
thinking hes going to get somewhere
it was all that id known
it was all that i would do
i never thought it would bite me in the ass
i never thought i would have to speak of it
i didnt want this connotation
he found out bits and pieces of me.
caught in the lie.
i was glad though, he knew
but i was his.
whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it
it was his. i was his.
i felt in love for the first time
i said i love you for the first time
i felt like i was a girlfriend for the first time
i said love love love all time for the first time.
i showed him all that ive known. everything
i let him in. everywhere
slowly.
cautiously.
vaugely.
but lovingly.
he didnt need me to drink
he didnt need me to be the highest
he didnt need me to party
he didnt need me to be someone else
i was christina. christina nhem
thats all he wanted
it was just too easy
everyone said everything
i wore him on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it wasnt a secret
but how can someone want just that?
how can i love him and he love me without knowing everything?
how can he hold me
how can i hold him
how can things work.
we had secrets.
the secrets had secrets.
it was all secretive
i was loosing it
i was loosing him
we were too close yet so far
our worlds started clashing
we brought out the worst of each other
but i loved him too much
too fucking much
i was obsessed.
it went down from there
the absolute worst possible senarios you can conjure in your head
yeah we went through it
yeah weve been there and back again
yeah weve been at the lowest of the lows and definitely at the highest of the highs
we would hit the brink of it all
we never met half way
i was loosing it
i was loosing him
we were too close yet so far
our worlds started clashing
we brought the worst of each other
but i loved him too much
too fucking much
i was obsessed.
it went downhill from there
but he played his music and i would dance my songs
but he would hold my hand and i would kiss his cheeks
but he loved me and i loved him too much
it went to a fucking negative slope from there
and i fucked up. BIG TIME
huge
monsterous
gi-fucking-gantic
paranoia got the best of me
insecurities got the best of me
others got the best of me
stangers friends and hood rats got the best of me
my world came tumbling down
my heart was shattering into millions and billions of pieces
my eyes became too swolen crying endlessly
i just started cutting.
all i did was cut
cut cut cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started hating me
i started hating my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
he left.
the stuggles the pain the heartache the fucking abuse
i needed an outlet
i needed something that i could of control...
i lost everything that ever mattered to a beautiful girl.
i lost the love of my life.
so i left. the country.
7805 miles
just on the other side of the moon he was
just on the other side of the sun i was
i was flying over siberia while he played his music
and imagined i would of been dancing my songs
i cried reading re reading re re reading the letter
he wrote me the night i left.
Hey baby, im not too good with this whole "writing a letter" thing, but im going to try my best. Pllease forgive the sloppiness of my writing, but this paper doesnt have line on it so my chicken scratch writing is gonna look extra kindergarden sorry :)
so, youre actually going huh? i cant lie, i didnt always think this day would readlly come, but i guess you proved me wrong. im going to miss you soooooo much. Life just wont be the same without you here. im going to miss everything about you. im gonna miss the way you hog the best when you sleep, the way you fight with me over who gets the good spot in the bathtub, and the way you charge at me like a bull when your in a good mood. im going to miss the way your lips taste and the way your skin feels and even your smell (dont worry. you smell good) while youre gone, dont forget me. dont forget that i love you, and that what we have is real. no matter what anyone says!!!
six months is such a long time. i hope you still love me when you come back, whatever you do i just want you to be honest with me, and dont worry ill do the same for you.
we had so many good times baby. so many memories ill carry with me forever. like that day we made a tent in my apartment out of blankets. you know the day im talking about. i will never forget it. baby i just hope you know that i think your really beautiful and you should never doubt it.
dont be too sad that your leaving cuz ill be missing you while your gone. and maybe when you get back things will be better for both of us and we can really make this relationship work. i hope you end up figuring out whatever it is that you need to figure out in cambodia and i hope you come back to me cuz ill be waiting for you
Anyways you just called so i gotta stop writing this and come meet you to say goodbye. Sorry its not the longest letter ever but you know that i love you. you changed my life baby. and through hell... but youre perfect and i honestly couldnt ask for nothin gmore!
yours forever..... monster ♥
ps. your my cambodian baby ...
the days were long lonely and hot
i wasnt yet fluent in the language and i did have a thick accent
but my goal was to learned who i was.
i wanted to better my life that i can respect.
i didnt want no one
i didnt need no one
i had to see myself in better light.
there was a day
it hit me
slapped me
dropped kicked my fucking ass
i had blood on my hands and shirt
i could smell the copper
it was a blur
he didnt have his eyes close
he didnt have a love
both him and i had nothing.
i couldnt sleep
i couldnt eat
i couldnt shower
i was scared to blink.
but i didnt start cutting.
all i did was far from cutting
no cut no cut no cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started loving me
i started loving my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
but
BRB
i was throwing and kicking and punching
i could feel the tears run down my face so rapidly
i choked
i screamed
my heart had never felt so much -hate
- as i washed my face with the two palms full of cold icy water
i looked at the reflection.
so many questions
so much time
so much love
just so much just so many
as i reached for the knob to leave the only place i knew was safe
i glanced once more at her. at me
faked a smile
and walked right out.
so it began almost forever ago
the girl who would do anything
but not anything with anybody
or anything with somebody
just anything
anything that could would of benefit me
i dont blame my mom and dad
my brother sister dog cat aunts and uncles
i dont blame that cousin who witnessed the first step to delinquency.
i would just...
too much had been on my plate since i could barely remember
the stuggles the pain the heartache the fucking abuse
i needed an outlet
i needed something that i could of control...
so.
i lost everything that ever mattered to a beautiful girl.
i lost my value
my worth
my dignity
my pride
my heart
my soul.
but i trade it in for power.
i ran it like a fucking milk factory
all that it was accounted for
i was that little one who hung out with the cool kids
that had something to do on the weekends
that partied and bullshit with the notorious pack.
i was the queen.
it never hit me that it was wrong
it never put guilt on my chest
it didnt feel like it was a burden.
i just got use to the routine.
it was just too easy.
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
so my double life took its toll.
it lead to late nights. drinking drugs cutting
-never getting out of bed
-never going to school
-never wanting needing
-never was, ever happy.
i stopped for a while.
i just started cutting.
all i did was cut
cut cut cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started hating me
i started hating my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
things would hurt me easily.
i cried
all the time
i felt depressed
i felt alone
i felt disgusted
i never spoke to anyone about it
i never tried
to let anyone in
no one knew me.
not even me.
it continued.
i was running in circles
like a fucking hamster on its wheely
thinking hes going to get somewhere
it was all that id known
it was all that i would do
i never thought it would bite me in the ass
i never thought i would have to speak of it
i didnt want this connotation
i stopped.
dating was fun
they didnt want nothing
they never tried nothing
i would pay sometimes
they would pay sometimes
i never went to anymore parties like that
i never drank anymore like that
i never high-rised anymore like that
they just wanted to know me.
conversations on the phone till late nights
butterflies in my stomache
the anticipation to see them again
i dated without any intimacy
and it was lovely.
i started to smile. i started to live again
i glew. i sang. i danced
it was like feeling the sun shine for the first time
after a long long cold and dark bitter winter.
thats when i met them
an introduction that made their eyes lit.
i thought saying i was a lesbian would scare these boys off
no. they loved it.
knowing though, they never did try anything on me.
they called me out to hang
they called me out to chill
they called me out to be -friends.
so i went along with it
hey. no obligations right?
i felt free. liberated.
i felt happy.
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
so my double life took its toll- again
but
there was one that stood out from them all
he was just, brilliant.
he had swag
he had class
he had charm
he had what i wanted in my life.
i was. let it be known. interested.
we talked alot. i mean alot.
he had weekends free to talk alot. i mean alot.
i liked him alot. i mean alot.
then...
i went to his house.
and i fucked up. BIG TIME
huge
monsterous
gi-fucking-gantic
i told him i cringed because...
i should of said it all. i should of told him.
i should of let it be known...
but he played it off and i did too.
again.
i was running in circles
like a fucking hamster on its wheely
thinking hes going to get somewhere
it was all that id known
it was all that i would do
i never thought it would bite me in the ass
i never thought i would have to speak of it
i didnt want this connotation
he found out bits and pieces of me.
caught in the lie.
i was glad though, he knew
but i was his.
whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it
it was his. i was his.
i felt in love for the first time
i said i love you for the first time
i felt like i was a girlfriend for the first time
i said love love love all time for the first time.
i showed him all that ive known. everything
i let him in. everywhere
slowly.
cautiously.
vaugely.
but lovingly.
he didnt need me to drink
he didnt need me to be the highest
he didnt need me to party
he didnt need me to be someone else
i was christina. christina nhem
thats all he wanted
it was just too easy
everyone said everything
i wore him on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it wasnt a secret
but how can someone want just that?
how can i love him and he love me without knowing everything?
how can he hold me
how can i hold him
how can things work.
we had secrets.
the secrets had secrets.
it was all secretive
i was loosing it
i was loosing him
we were too close yet so far
our worlds started clashing
we brought out the worst of each other
but i loved him too much
too fucking much
i was obsessed.
it went down from there
the absolute worst possible senarios you can conjure in your head
yeah we went through it
yeah weve been there and back again
yeah weve been at the lowest of the lows and definitely at the highest of the highs
we would hit the brink of it all
we never met half way
i was loosing it
i was loosing him
we were too close yet so far
our worlds started clashing
we brought the worst of each other
but i loved him too much
too fucking much
i was obsessed.
it went downhill from there
but he played his music and i would dance my songs
but he would hold my hand and i would kiss his cheeks
but he loved me and i loved him too much
it went to a fucking negative slope from there
and i fucked up. BIG TIME
huge
monsterous
gi-fucking-gantic
paranoia got the best of me
insecurities got the best of me
others got the best of me
stangers friends and hood rats got the best of me
my world came tumbling down
my heart was shattering into millions and billions of pieces
my eyes became too swolen crying endlessly
i just started cutting.
all i did was cut
cut cut cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started hating me
i started hating my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
he left.
the stuggles the pain the heartache the fucking abuse
i needed an outlet
i needed something that i could of control...
i lost everything that ever mattered to a beautiful girl.
i lost the love of my life.
so i left. the country.
7805 miles
just on the other side of the moon he was
just on the other side of the sun i was
i was flying over siberia while he played his music
and imagined i would of been dancing my songs
i cried reading re reading re re reading the letter
he wrote me the night i left.
Hey baby, im not too good with this whole "writing a letter" thing, but im going to try my best. Pllease forgive the sloppiness of my writing, but this paper doesnt have line on it so my chicken scratch writing is gonna look extra kindergarden sorry :)
so, youre actually going huh? i cant lie, i didnt always think this day would readlly come, but i guess you proved me wrong. im going to miss you soooooo much. Life just wont be the same without you here. im going to miss everything about you. im gonna miss the way you hog the best when you sleep, the way you fight with me over who gets the good spot in the bathtub, and the way you charge at me like a bull when your in a good mood. im going to miss the way your lips taste and the way your skin feels and even your smell (dont worry. you smell good) while youre gone, dont forget me. dont forget that i love you, and that what we have is real. no matter what anyone says!!!
six months is such a long time. i hope you still love me when you come back, whatever you do i just want you to be honest with me, and dont worry ill do the same for you.
we had so many good times baby. so many memories ill carry with me forever. like that day we made a tent in my apartment out of blankets. you know the day im talking about. i will never forget it. baby i just hope you know that i think your really beautiful and you should never doubt it.
dont be too sad that your leaving cuz ill be missing you while your gone. and maybe when you get back things will be better for both of us and we can really make this relationship work. i hope you end up figuring out whatever it is that you need to figure out in cambodia and i hope you come back to me cuz ill be waiting for you
Anyways you just called so i gotta stop writing this and come meet you to say goodbye. Sorry its not the longest letter ever but you know that i love you. you changed my life baby. and through hell... but youre perfect and i honestly couldnt ask for nothin gmore!
yours forever..... monster ♥
ps. your my cambodian baby ...
the days were long lonely and hot
i wasnt yet fluent in the language and i did have a thick accent
but my goal was to learned who i was.
i wanted to better my life that i can respect.
i didnt want no one
i didnt need no one
i had to see myself in better light.
there was a day
it hit me
slapped me
dropped kicked my fucking ass
i had blood on my hands and shirt
i could smell the copper
it was a blur
he didnt have his eyes close
he didnt have a love
both him and i had nothing.
i couldnt sleep
i couldnt eat
i couldnt shower
i was scared to blink.
but i didnt start cutting.
all i did was far from cutting
no cut no cut no cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started loving me
i started loving my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything
i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret
but
BRB