Breathe.. Just breathe.
I never realized I could miss someone this much. I'd like to think that I'm over it, but I'm not. It'd make me happy to not care anymore, but I do. I can't help it. I've never learned how to let go. And it's killing me now. I sporatically start crying, because little things remind me of you and I'm not okay yet. I miss you. I miss "us". I miss the way it felt to be wrapped in your arms tangled in the safety of the covers on my bed at 3 in the morning. Or the way I felt when you introduced me as "Christina, my girlfriend." I realize that things will never be quite the same between us, but can't they be close? I'm trying so hard to make things the way they were, but if you don't put in the effort then it doesn't matter. If you don't put in the effort, all of my hard work goes to nothing. Can't you put in just a little effort? If not for you, for me. If you ever cared anything about me at all then you would do this for me. You'd understand that I miss you so much I can't stand it. That sometimes it even hurts because I miss you so much. I feel lost. Abandoned. I was so close to you, on every level, and now the bottom has dropped out of it and I've fallen. Hard. And now I'm in an unfamiliar territory with no idea how to get back to where I was. I'm lost and confused and I need someone to guide me. I need you to make everything okay again. Promise me that you'll make it all okay. You were so good at that before. If I ever needed anything, I just had to ask and it would be done. You were so good at that. Don't quit now. I need you more than I've ever needed you and you have to be there for me. I'm counting on you. Please don't let me down. I don't mean to sound desperate or needy, I just don't know how else to explain to you what I'm feeling. I don't know that any of this will do any good, but I'm trying. Which is almost more than I can say for you. When I was at your house yesterday, I missed you so much. I wanted to shake you and make you want me again. I felt like screaming, "No one will ever feel this way about you again. No one will care about you as much as I do right now. Don't just let this go." But as I left you gave me a hug and you let me go. I hate it when you just let me go. I want you to want me around. I want you to want to talk to me. I want you to want me, to love me. It's times like this when I think that if I just had you, then nothing else would matter anymore. Not anything else. I know that's irrational and selfish of me, but right now, I don't care. It seems like above everything else, I care about you. And as much as I hate myself for it, I can't make it go away. This feeling won't shake. I've tried. I can't breathe when I think about you. I can't sleep because I dream about you. I'm barely here. Do you have to be this selfish? You tell me I can't always have my way. Well you can't always have yours. I'd like to scream that at you. I've given up everything for you. Don't you see that? And what you think I haven't given up, I gladly will. I won't complain. I'll do whatever you ask me to do. Don't you see that I'm not getting anything I want right now? You are getting everything you want. Well I've got news for you, you can't just go around kissing people, telling them how much you care and then dropping them. It doesn't work that way. And I should despise at least some part of you for making me feel the way I feel right now, but I don't. I just want you back. Please.. I miss you so much. Right now, I feel like even if our relationship was the way it was before you were my boyfriend then I'd be the happiest girl in the world. You don't realize how close I was to you. How much I let you in. I block people out. That's what I do. But not with you. I trusted you. I care about you still. I shouldn't, I know, but I just don't want to let go of the feelings I had when I was with you. We were supposed to work out. Don't you see that? Do you see anything anymore? Because I'm not sure you do. I'm not sure you even want to. But I need you to. I need you to see how even when I smile for you, I feel like crying. I need you to see how I shake after you give me a hug. I need you to feel how I felt after you kissed me. Do you even remember our first kiss? It was perfect. We were right outside of Glasgow, on a hill where you could see every light in Glasgow and Dashboard was playing in the background. It was raining slightly and the wind was blowing just a little, I was wrapped up in your arms so you could keep me warm. We were talking about how much fun prom was going to be, I looked up at you and you looked me in the eyes, and the rest is history. I told you to never forget our first kiss and you said "I don't think I could." Did you lie to me then? Because more than anything I want you to feel the way you felt at that moment again. I just want to relive that moment over and over again, instead of watching it replay in my head a thousand times a day. In that moment, those two people were so happy to be together, they were so close and so excited and now look at them. Isn't it sad? Isn't it a terrible way to end a story? Where is their happy ending? Where is their "happily ever after"? We were supposed to have a "happily ever after" and now it's gone. It washed down the drain with the raindrops from that night. I guess you just didn't realize the impact you had on me. I guess you didn't realize how much I cared about you. And maybe you never will.