Bestfriends means I pulled the trigger, Bestfriends means you get what you deserve
There's a play by Jean Paul Satre called "No Exit" that I read a long time ago, but it just recently sparked back into my memory with a whole new meaning. His play basically says that hell is other people. Satre was an existentialist, who thought that in order to have meaning in a life that doesn't believe in the God assumption, one must find their purpose with their own free will. By doing so and making completely authentic decisions for oneself, it doesn't allow for the creation of common grounds between other humans and if by chance, it does, the relation usually ends up vile.
I'm starting to ramble, but in the play, one man and two women are trapped in a hotel together. The man grows an attraction for the woman who is a lesbian, and that woman likes the other woman, who likes the man.
Me and one of my oldest and closest friends recently had a bad fallout and I don't know if or how we will repair our friendship, because though the fight was built on a stupid fight, it goes much deeper than is seen on the surface. And I started to understand why hell is a place where the people you love, will never care nor understand.
Me and this friend, up until the last 8 monthes of our life, have lived pretty similar lives and been interested in a lot of the same stuff. We connected and understood each other, or so I thought. But when I made a lot of changes in my life, for the better, to be who I really fucking am at my core and not who I'd been forced into being because I wasn't paying attention and only borrowing pieces of myself from those I was surrounded by... things changed between us too.
And now it's to the point where our ideas of life are just completely different and it's painful and it hurts, because I love this girl like a sister, but I can't be a friend to someone who doesn't know how to be a friend back anymore. But it's hell, because I will always keep our friendship in my heart, knowing very well I may never recieve the reciprication I am looking for anymore.
On a brighter note though, I don't want to seem completely ungrateful for those that I do have. Because though I'm upset by losing one of my oldest bestfriends, I'm surrounded by beautiful people who won't let me go through it alone. On Saturday, when I was cancled on AGAIN by this friend two hours before she was supposed to come over (plans that we've had for over a week), my boyfriend and all of his friends decided they would cancel their guys night out to the bar, and stay home with me. Jen also came over, and we all played a game of Kings together and we laughed a lot, and I realized I am surrounded by beautiful, genuine, people.
I don't need anyone who can't be there for me, who doesn't consider my feelings in things, and who doesn't ACT like a friend. Because being someone's "friend" isn't just a title or someone who's there when you want to have some fun. You can choose who your friends are but you don't get to choose when you're a friend to them, friends aren't a "convenience", they're a luxury and anyone who doesn't treat them as so isn't worth the time or energy. Friends are supposed to be there through thick and thin, who are supposed to treat you like you mean something to them. That's it. They don't have to be pretty, or smart, or popular, or successful... a good friend is just there for you and makes you feel like your worth something.
She isn't that anymore, not even close. And hell is that realization, but heaven is the liberation from it.
I'm starting to ramble, but in the play, one man and two women are trapped in a hotel together. The man grows an attraction for the woman who is a lesbian, and that woman likes the other woman, who likes the man.
Me and one of my oldest and closest friends recently had a bad fallout and I don't know if or how we will repair our friendship, because though the fight was built on a stupid fight, it goes much deeper than is seen on the surface. And I started to understand why hell is a place where the people you love, will never care nor understand.
Me and this friend, up until the last 8 monthes of our life, have lived pretty similar lives and been interested in a lot of the same stuff. We connected and understood each other, or so I thought. But when I made a lot of changes in my life, for the better, to be who I really fucking am at my core and not who I'd been forced into being because I wasn't paying attention and only borrowing pieces of myself from those I was surrounded by... things changed between us too.
And now it's to the point where our ideas of life are just completely different and it's painful and it hurts, because I love this girl like a sister, but I can't be a friend to someone who doesn't know how to be a friend back anymore. But it's hell, because I will always keep our friendship in my heart, knowing very well I may never recieve the reciprication I am looking for anymore.
On a brighter note though, I don't want to seem completely ungrateful for those that I do have. Because though I'm upset by losing one of my oldest bestfriends, I'm surrounded by beautiful people who won't let me go through it alone. On Saturday, when I was cancled on AGAIN by this friend two hours before she was supposed to come over (plans that we've had for over a week), my boyfriend and all of his friends decided they would cancel their guys night out to the bar, and stay home with me. Jen also came over, and we all played a game of Kings together and we laughed a lot, and I realized I am surrounded by beautiful, genuine, people.
I don't need anyone who can't be there for me, who doesn't consider my feelings in things, and who doesn't ACT like a friend. Because being someone's "friend" isn't just a title or someone who's there when you want to have some fun. You can choose who your friends are but you don't get to choose when you're a friend to them, friends aren't a "convenience", they're a luxury and anyone who doesn't treat them as so isn't worth the time or energy. Friends are supposed to be there through thick and thin, who are supposed to treat you like you mean something to them. That's it. They don't have to be pretty, or smart, or popular, or successful... a good friend is just there for you and makes you feel like your worth something.
She isn't that anymore, not even close. And hell is that realization, but heaven is the liberation from it.