okay, i'm a little lonely
god hates me. i got my final confirmation for this tonight while i was watching house, MD. see, there is probably only one night during this week in which i won't be home. that of course would be wednesday night, as CCSU is back in session and PRIDE starts on wednesday. kelly clarkson has a new single out... and when is the video premiering? oh, that's right, during american idol on wednesday night. i mean, i got all excited 'cause this commercial came on and there was kelly clarkson singing my life would suck without you, but it was followed by this horrible voice that was saying, "you won't be able to see it though. sucks to be you." so now i'm sure that people are probably thinking, so why don't i just tape it, right? go back in my LJ... there have been SEVERAL times in which kelly clarkson was on american idol on a wednesday night, but because god hates me, every time the VCR either didn't go off to tape it or my tape ran out of room right before kelly clarkson was on. so, big deal, right? i mean, i'm sure i could just come home it'll be somewhere online that i can watch it... and if i can't do it that night, i can watch it the day after. what the hell is wrong with you people!? how can i be her biggest fan when i can't even watch the premiere of her newest music video? sorry, i'm not bitter.
do you know where that entirely pointless rant about kelly clarkson on american idol came from? well, i mean besides the whole thing where i happen to be obsessed. there's actually a whole bunch of reasons... but one of them is 'cause i haven't slept in like, 45 hours now. i think it's a mix of pain and this new illness i've just diagnosed myself with. it's called chronic thinking. unfortunately, chronic thinking can cause other unfortunate illnesses, like chronic worrying, and chronic insomnia. see, it's like lupus... other illnesses like to follow in its footsteps.
i don't know why i couldn't fall asleep last night. i think i stayed up playing solitaire until about 3am, then i finally decided i might as well try to lay down and go to sleep. you know, the sleep just never came. unfortunately for me, my shoulders were already hurting me... and then i noticed a new pain. it was in my right elbow and lower arm. if i had to bet money on it, i would say without a doubt that it's avascular necrosis pain. i've had to deal with different kinds of pain for a long a time, and i'm pretty good at telling what kind of pain it is that i'm dealing with. hey, i knew that i had it in my feet too... so i got the x-rays done and rheumatologist ended up telling me exactly what i told her before i even had the x-rays done. she's a pretty incredible doctor and she knows that i know my body well enough to know what's bothering me. so, it looks like when i go in for my next follow-up appointment on march 3rd, i'll be asking that they take some x-rays of my elbows along with the blood they want to take from me. which means, that when i'm in the hospital for my shoulder replacement, rheumatologist is gonna come check up on me at some point, as she always does, and will probably confirm some new places with avascular necrosis in them.
i've hit a wall. i have avascular necrosis in about nine different places in my body. last night/early this morning, i was in EXCRUCIATING pain, and it brought me to tears. i can handle a lot... i can even handle a lot of pain if need be, but i cannot do this anymore. next week i'm going to call rheumatologist and explain where i am as far as the pain goes. i'm going to have to go back on the oxycodone. i have to. there will be all kinds of precautions that i plan on taking so it doesn't get out of hand though. for one thing, i'm not going to go back on as high of a dose as i was on when i stopped taking it. second, i'm gonna bring my very paranoid grandmother into it. i told her i planned on keeping in the kitchen, right on the counter where she was allowed to count the pills whenever she felt the need to be overly annoying. also, there will be a little journal kept there right next to it where i will right down every single time i take it. if i'm leaving the house, i will try to estimate about how long i will be out of the house for and only bring the number of pills i should be taking within that time frame, rather than carrying around the entire bottle with me. of course, if i were to say get pulled over or something and searched, that could get me arrested, but i figure in the end i'd be able to prove they were a legitimate medication and that's just a risk i'm willing to take. guys, sometimes, it pays to be a little bit paranoid about certain things. oh, and i'm talking about the oxycodone, not the police, just so we're still on the same page.
i'm also having this huge problem with boredom and loneliness. i have got nothing but time on my hands and no kind of transportation, so i just sit around thinking about things... ALL THE TIME. it's horrible. i'm pretty sure that i've figured out that i'm allergic to boredom. i sneezed for like an hour nonstop earlier today. back to the point though... i was all excited 'cause i was supposed to take the car on wednesday. i hoped to spend some time on campus earlier in the day and then i finally had my first counseling appointment at 2:45 on wednesday afternoon. grams is probably going to make me reschedule 'cause she doesn't want me to take the car. there's apparently a chance we could have snow, but they're not 100% sure yet. as of this moment though, it looks like wednesday may just be another day where i'm stuck at home alone, doing some more thinking.
do you know where that entirely pointless rant about kelly clarkson on american idol came from? well, i mean besides the whole thing where i happen to be obsessed. there's actually a whole bunch of reasons... but one of them is 'cause i haven't slept in like, 45 hours now. i think it's a mix of pain and this new illness i've just diagnosed myself with. it's called chronic thinking. unfortunately, chronic thinking can cause other unfortunate illnesses, like chronic worrying, and chronic insomnia. see, it's like lupus... other illnesses like to follow in its footsteps.
i don't know why i couldn't fall asleep last night. i think i stayed up playing solitaire until about 3am, then i finally decided i might as well try to lay down and go to sleep. you know, the sleep just never came. unfortunately for me, my shoulders were already hurting me... and then i noticed a new pain. it was in my right elbow and lower arm. if i had to bet money on it, i would say without a doubt that it's avascular necrosis pain. i've had to deal with different kinds of pain for a long a time, and i'm pretty good at telling what kind of pain it is that i'm dealing with. hey, i knew that i had it in my feet too... so i got the x-rays done and rheumatologist ended up telling me exactly what i told her before i even had the x-rays done. she's a pretty incredible doctor and she knows that i know my body well enough to know what's bothering me. so, it looks like when i go in for my next follow-up appointment on march 3rd, i'll be asking that they take some x-rays of my elbows along with the blood they want to take from me. which means, that when i'm in the hospital for my shoulder replacement, rheumatologist is gonna come check up on me at some point, as she always does, and will probably confirm some new places with avascular necrosis in them.
i've hit a wall. i have avascular necrosis in about nine different places in my body. last night/early this morning, i was in EXCRUCIATING pain, and it brought me to tears. i can handle a lot... i can even handle a lot of pain if need be, but i cannot do this anymore. next week i'm going to call rheumatologist and explain where i am as far as the pain goes. i'm going to have to go back on the oxycodone. i have to. there will be all kinds of precautions that i plan on taking so it doesn't get out of hand though. for one thing, i'm not going to go back on as high of a dose as i was on when i stopped taking it. second, i'm gonna bring my very paranoid grandmother into it. i told her i planned on keeping in the kitchen, right on the counter where she was allowed to count the pills whenever she felt the need to be overly annoying. also, there will be a little journal kept there right next to it where i will right down every single time i take it. if i'm leaving the house, i will try to estimate about how long i will be out of the house for and only bring the number of pills i should be taking within that time frame, rather than carrying around the entire bottle with me. of course, if i were to say get pulled over or something and searched, that could get me arrested, but i figure in the end i'd be able to prove they were a legitimate medication and that's just a risk i'm willing to take. guys, sometimes, it pays to be a little bit paranoid about certain things. oh, and i'm talking about the oxycodone, not the police, just so we're still on the same page.
i'm also having this huge problem with boredom and loneliness. i have got nothing but time on my hands and no kind of transportation, so i just sit around thinking about things... ALL THE TIME. it's horrible. i'm pretty sure that i've figured out that i'm allergic to boredom. i sneezed for like an hour nonstop earlier today. back to the point though... i was all excited 'cause i was supposed to take the car on wednesday. i hoped to spend some time on campus earlier in the day and then i finally had my first counseling appointment at 2:45 on wednesday afternoon. grams is probably going to make me reschedule 'cause she doesn't want me to take the car. there's apparently a chance we could have snow, but they're not 100% sure yet. as of this moment though, it looks like wednesday may just be another day where i'm stuck at home alone, doing some more thinking.