Difficult Thoughts Concerning Ministry
Hey folks! I haven't posted here in a while, but earlier this morning I was thinking about my position in the Christian world, and wanted to know what your thoughts were.
For those who don't know, I used to be china_lizard. "Sky" is a pseudonym for an almost-ex-boyfriend. [We didn't really have a chance to officially date before we called it quits.]
------------------------<--------------@
Journal Entry
July 29, 2008
Tuesday
11:44 AM -- I am constantly beating myself up for not being a better Christian than I am. I feel bad that I don't want to listen to every sob story or help every single person who needs it on the face of the planet. I feel guilty for not wanting to jump into the mainstream Christian thought process, and I feel unworthy to follow Christ or be in ministry.
That's right; downright unworthy.
Oh, it's not the folks I'm liable to come up against who will inevitably blame me for their problems, or in some way indicate that I'm not doing things 'correctly'. I've no fear of that. My fear is that I'm missing the mark in God's viewpoint, or that I've somehow severely messed up my salvation status beyond the state of repair.
I know that this isn't true, and I know I'm not perfect...but I really wish I was. I feel clumsy and stupid and heartless and bitchy, if I'm going to be honest...and how can I be in ministry with such faults? How can I be in ministry when it's really just boredom I'm trying to avoid? Shouldn't I WANT to be in minstry for other reasons? Shouldn't I have an undying passion for helping others?
That seems to be what modern Christianity teaches. And yet, I don't have these things. All I know is that I can't do anything else...not really...that my heart longs to be deeply involved in helping others in this way.
Not only that, but I can't denounce Christ. I simply can't. Not after all He's done for me, and all that He's proven Himself to be. I can't not love Him...though, I will admit, at times I was angry with Him, and with the Father as well. I was angry and upset because I didn't understand or appreciate what was going on. It hurt. All of it just...really really hurt. Bad.
And now I feel bad for feeling so angry and resentful. I have a hard time dealing with myself.
But I -have- to do this. There's simply nothing else I'm interested in, nothing else that seems worth my time, career-wise.
Now, I guess I just need a starting point..?
But what if I ask for a starting point, and it nearly kills me again? Can I -really- survive that kind of pain a second time? Yes, the wounds are healing, but they are still quite sensitive. Do I have the proper weapons and shield to take on whatever's coming? Am I ready?
Are these questions evidence that I don't have much faith in God? No, I don't think so. But, I -do- think that they mean I'm struggling to trust that God's not going to throw me into some ridiculously painful situation.
Then again...the pain I have suffered....was it really God's doing? I submit that it was not! The pain I suffered had to do with the sins of others, and God trying to PROTECT me from such sins. It was not God's fault that my mother decided that drinking to excess and chain-smoking was the best way to deal with her problems. It was not God's fault that my mom and dad insisted on staying together, even though they despised each other and didn't get along. Perhaps God had a hand in letting me be born to them, but He is not responsible for their bad decisions.
Thus, is it really God's fault that when my mother died, I experienced so much pain? I don't think so, since Grieving the loss of a loved one is a painful experience for -anyone-, Christian or not. I -do- believe that He brought me back to be with her in her last days, and that this circumvented a great deal of even more pain that would have been present had I not gone back.
Likewise, is it God's fault that things fell apart in general during that last school year? Was it God's fault that two or three people could not put aside their pride in order to work for the greater good of God's will? No, it is not. Individual sin is -never- God's fault.
And yet, I believe that in certain ways, He -did- guide my own circumstances and my viewpoint, and thus guided me back to Alabama during that time. And, I believe that even if everything had been going well, He -still- would have found a way to guide me where He wanted me to be.
And boy, did I need to be there! I -needed- to be with her. I also needed to see my sister leave her evil ex-husband, and to see her reunite with the true love of her life. I -needed- the counseling in California, and the experiences there.
I will even say I needed Sky, because I would not have moved to California and gotten the counseling and friendship I needed had I not been interested in him. Yes, even he played a part in all this...even if he -was- a douchebag and a coward in the end. [Not that I can blame him; I wasn't exactly at the height of sanity and grace at that time. :/ ]
Then, a little over a year ago, I -needed- to come back here to face the things here that were waiting for me. I needed to realize that I needed something more to help me than just my own sheer force of will. I needed to search for medication, and I needed to find my own true love, which I now have.
And now, I feel not just the desire, but almost the -need- to get reinvolved with Christianity. I still love the things I've discovered since my departure; I love that I discovered how 'Goth' I really am, and the fashion that goes along with it....but I am and will forever belong to Christ. Before anything else, I loved Him. And even after everything that's happened, I -still- love Him.
I still get infuriated at the Church, but perhaps that's because I need to learn to forgive the Church...or at least figure out the best way to cause change within it.
[There. I feel much better now. :) ]
@------------->---------------------------------
Any insight or encouragement is greatly appreciated! ^_^ Thank you for your time.
In HIM:
~Lady Tam Li~
For those who don't know, I used to be china_lizard. "Sky" is a pseudonym for an almost-ex-boyfriend. [We didn't really have a chance to officially date before we called it quits.]
------------------------<--------------@
Journal Entry
July 29, 2008
Tuesday
11:44 AM -- I am constantly beating myself up for not being a better Christian than I am. I feel bad that I don't want to listen to every sob story or help every single person who needs it on the face of the planet. I feel guilty for not wanting to jump into the mainstream Christian thought process, and I feel unworthy to follow Christ or be in ministry.
That's right; downright unworthy.
Oh, it's not the folks I'm liable to come up against who will inevitably blame me for their problems, or in some way indicate that I'm not doing things 'correctly'. I've no fear of that. My fear is that I'm missing the mark in God's viewpoint, or that I've somehow severely messed up my salvation status beyond the state of repair.
I know that this isn't true, and I know I'm not perfect...but I really wish I was. I feel clumsy and stupid and heartless and bitchy, if I'm going to be honest...and how can I be in ministry with such faults? How can I be in ministry when it's really just boredom I'm trying to avoid? Shouldn't I WANT to be in minstry for other reasons? Shouldn't I have an undying passion for helping others?
That seems to be what modern Christianity teaches. And yet, I don't have these things. All I know is that I can't do anything else...not really...that my heart longs to be deeply involved in helping others in this way.
Not only that, but I can't denounce Christ. I simply can't. Not after all He's done for me, and all that He's proven Himself to be. I can't not love Him...though, I will admit, at times I was angry with Him, and with the Father as well. I was angry and upset because I didn't understand or appreciate what was going on. It hurt. All of it just...really really hurt. Bad.
And now I feel bad for feeling so angry and resentful. I have a hard time dealing with myself.
But I -have- to do this. There's simply nothing else I'm interested in, nothing else that seems worth my time, career-wise.
Now, I guess I just need a starting point..?
But what if I ask for a starting point, and it nearly kills me again? Can I -really- survive that kind of pain a second time? Yes, the wounds are healing, but they are still quite sensitive. Do I have the proper weapons and shield to take on whatever's coming? Am I ready?
Are these questions evidence that I don't have much faith in God? No, I don't think so. But, I -do- think that they mean I'm struggling to trust that God's not going to throw me into some ridiculously painful situation.
Then again...the pain I have suffered....was it really God's doing? I submit that it was not! The pain I suffered had to do with the sins of others, and God trying to PROTECT me from such sins. It was not God's fault that my mother decided that drinking to excess and chain-smoking was the best way to deal with her problems. It was not God's fault that my mom and dad insisted on staying together, even though they despised each other and didn't get along. Perhaps God had a hand in letting me be born to them, but He is not responsible for their bad decisions.
Thus, is it really God's fault that when my mother died, I experienced so much pain? I don't think so, since Grieving the loss of a loved one is a painful experience for -anyone-, Christian or not. I -do- believe that He brought me back to be with her in her last days, and that this circumvented a great deal of even more pain that would have been present had I not gone back.
Likewise, is it God's fault that things fell apart in general during that last school year? Was it God's fault that two or three people could not put aside their pride in order to work for the greater good of God's will? No, it is not. Individual sin is -never- God's fault.
And yet, I believe that in certain ways, He -did- guide my own circumstances and my viewpoint, and thus guided me back to Alabama during that time. And, I believe that even if everything had been going well, He -still- would have found a way to guide me where He wanted me to be.
And boy, did I need to be there! I -needed- to be with her. I also needed to see my sister leave her evil ex-husband, and to see her reunite with the true love of her life. I -needed- the counseling in California, and the experiences there.
I will even say I needed Sky, because I would not have moved to California and gotten the counseling and friendship I needed had I not been interested in him. Yes, even he played a part in all this...even if he -was- a douchebag and a coward in the end. [Not that I can blame him; I wasn't exactly at the height of sanity and grace at that time. :/ ]
Then, a little over a year ago, I -needed- to come back here to face the things here that were waiting for me. I needed to realize that I needed something more to help me than just my own sheer force of will. I needed to search for medication, and I needed to find my own true love, which I now have.
And now, I feel not just the desire, but almost the -need- to get reinvolved with Christianity. I still love the things I've discovered since my departure; I love that I discovered how 'Goth' I really am, and the fashion that goes along with it....but I am and will forever belong to Christ. Before anything else, I loved Him. And even after everything that's happened, I -still- love Him.
I still get infuriated at the Church, but perhaps that's because I need to learn to forgive the Church...or at least figure out the best way to cause change within it.
[There. I feel much better now. :) ]
@------------->---------------------------------
Any insight or encouragement is greatly appreciated! ^_^ Thank you for your time.
In HIM:
~Lady Tam Li~