(no subject)
What do you do when you feel a lack of faith? I'm always trying to seek faith inside, because I have trouble trusting myself unless my faith is accompanied by a strong feeling. When I have that trust in God, anything is beautiful, but when I don't have faith, I am soon confronted by icky fears.
In the afternoon I often fall into icky kinds of fears. I feel then so distanced from everything, as if God's sun is not meant to shine on me anymore. It always goes away with time, but I would love to live without this recurring agony.
So I suppose the question is, how can I draw so close to Jesus that nothing separates me anymore from His love and light. I really love Jesus, because I feel safe with Him, but still I have doubts plagueing me. It's like a harlot in my ears, she whispers return to atheism, you'll have it better there, things will be easier. I don't trust her, but I admit that I am tempted. It's completely irrational .. in the morning I may feel utterly like a christian, but in the night I feel like a devil. I can't stand seeing myself having such doubts and having desires that conflict with the righteousness I am supposed to have.
I wish I could let go, but I fear that if I let go, the evil will only take a stronger foothold in me. So I pray all the time, often read in the bible and try to gather some more courage. If only it weren't for these evil thoughts that plague me. Anytime things get a bit better I am thrown into a new turmoil because of getting evil thoughts. Also, I've become very egocentric. I have a hard time concentrating on other people. When I look in their eyes, it's like I can't see them anymore. It's like all people turned into shadows. But that's only my selfishness, I have started to say to myself, it's only my illness which forces me to concentrate so much on my self.
St. Paul writes that a christian must die to the self so that only Christ lives in Him. I think this doesn't refer to a lifetime of labor, there must be some easier way, or? I look at my mother and she is so happy and relaxed in her faith, and I am so tense and cramped. I think it's because I have faith too rarely. I am ok in the morning, but throughout the day I find myself waivering a lot. And then I think about God not being pleased with me unless when I have faith, which is sometimes scaring me. I manage it too rarely to remember some good bible verses to cling to.
Just my thoughts or today. Hope you have a blessed good day!
In the afternoon I often fall into icky kinds of fears. I feel then so distanced from everything, as if God's sun is not meant to shine on me anymore. It always goes away with time, but I would love to live without this recurring agony.
So I suppose the question is, how can I draw so close to Jesus that nothing separates me anymore from His love and light. I really love Jesus, because I feel safe with Him, but still I have doubts plagueing me. It's like a harlot in my ears, she whispers return to atheism, you'll have it better there, things will be easier. I don't trust her, but I admit that I am tempted. It's completely irrational .. in the morning I may feel utterly like a christian, but in the night I feel like a devil. I can't stand seeing myself having such doubts and having desires that conflict with the righteousness I am supposed to have.
I wish I could let go, but I fear that if I let go, the evil will only take a stronger foothold in me. So I pray all the time, often read in the bible and try to gather some more courage. If only it weren't for these evil thoughts that plague me. Anytime things get a bit better I am thrown into a new turmoil because of getting evil thoughts. Also, I've become very egocentric. I have a hard time concentrating on other people. When I look in their eyes, it's like I can't see them anymore. It's like all people turned into shadows. But that's only my selfishness, I have started to say to myself, it's only my illness which forces me to concentrate so much on my self.
St. Paul writes that a christian must die to the self so that only Christ lives in Him. I think this doesn't refer to a lifetime of labor, there must be some easier way, or? I look at my mother and she is so happy and relaxed in her faith, and I am so tense and cramped. I think it's because I have faith too rarely. I am ok in the morning, but throughout the day I find myself waivering a lot. And then I think about God not being pleased with me unless when I have faith, which is sometimes scaring me. I manage it too rarely to remember some good bible verses to cling to.
Just my thoughts or today. Hope you have a blessed good day!