(no subject)
So it's been a hell of an outing that started out almost two weeks ago. I left Ken's upset about a trivial remark he made at my expense. Stayed at Hank's long enough to get my check in after which I promptly cashed it and go sky high and somehow managed to stay fucked up up until today. I haven't changed clothes in this time and I've completely let myself go so I look just as rough as I feel.
I'm not even going to try to comprehend what the fuck I'm doing because I can't even explain where I'm at with things. My desires change from one minute to the other. I haven't really had the heart to do half the things I've been doing these past two weeks (including the drugs) but nothing seems to appease to me anymore.
I'm really hoping to go back to Ken's tonight but I'm also have no idea as to how I'm going to begin to reassemble my life. And my funk's still got me thinking that there's no life left to fix so I might as well just let it all be done. Alas, even that's not so simple.
So I'm scared, I'm still experiencing depression, and I can't think of one tangible to get clean for. And I have to go home and make explanations and apologies. I dread these motions I've inevitably had to do time and time again due to my lack of determination or whatever. Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen but at least I wanted to get some of this out of me lest I get another panic attack.
Everything else I'll chalk up to the paranoia one experiences after 12 days of being awake minus a couple of essentially "cat naps".
I'm not even going to try to comprehend what the fuck I'm doing because I can't even explain where I'm at with things. My desires change from one minute to the other. I haven't really had the heart to do half the things I've been doing these past two weeks (including the drugs) but nothing seems to appease to me anymore.
I'm really hoping to go back to Ken's tonight but I'm also have no idea as to how I'm going to begin to reassemble my life. And my funk's still got me thinking that there's no life left to fix so I might as well just let it all be done. Alas, even that's not so simple.
So I'm scared, I'm still experiencing depression, and I can't think of one tangible to get clean for. And I have to go home and make explanations and apologies. I dread these motions I've inevitably had to do time and time again due to my lack of determination or whatever. Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen but at least I wanted to get some of this out of me lest I get another panic attack.
Everything else I'll chalk up to the paranoia one experiences after 12 days of being awake minus a couple of essentially "cat naps".