(no subject)
I've had several people ask, and I figured that the best way to get through it is to talk about it.
Nick and I lost another baby......we miscarried at three weeks........I know some of you may think "that's not even -really- pregnant." Well, it was pregnant enough for me to notice.
The frustrating part is? It's getting commonplace. I cried for one day, and then, honest to God, I was "over it". Well, as "over it" as you can be while still remaining bitter and wanting a baby.
I did some research after talking to my doctor sister-in-law, and from what I heard from her, this isn't the third or fourth miscarriage.....this is the seventh, eighth, maybe tenth miscarriage. From what I can tell without any doctoral testing (this is all guessing on my part, but they say a woman knows her own body best), I'm getting pregnant, but as soon as the baby implants, the uterus flushes, taking the baby with it.
I've done some online research, and I keep finding the term "chemical pregnancy". Many people have a couple chemical pregnancies, but some people have many. Disheartening fact? One of the few treatment plans I found was "donor egg/sperm", meaning "not Nick and my's baby".
Oh, I'm all for adopting. And if that's what we need to do to have children, we'll figure it out. But I really REALLY wanted a baby that was -ours-. And, more disheartening, I know Nick and I don't have the money to pursue things like implantation, petri-dish babies, and intense fertility treatments. "If you can't afford that, than you can't afford to have children." Spare me.
So, in any case, pray for us. A lot. I get to go present my observations and suspicions to my doctor this week, and hope that she believes me. I'm trying incredibly hard NOT to be bitter and angry. The angry has faded, but I know there's a seed of bitterness about this in my heart. Every time one of my teen's gets pregnant, or I see another friend on Facebook post that she's pregnant out of wedlock, I kind of want to scream. I have a husband, and a house, and a baby room, and a beautiful beautiful life, and I can't have a baby. That'll make any woman bitter.
But I will not resign to being called "Mara" yet. God has better plans for me. My hope is that your prayers will reveal that plan. In the meantime, I will wait. And when I finally have my baby in my arms, I will be all the more thankful.
Step by step.