um...
So i have wanted to update for a long time, over a month at least. I have planned it out many times, i have written entries at least twenty times, but every time i end up deleting them... they never say what i need them to say right or the say it to harshly or i don’t know, but whatever today i have had it... i am going to write what i feel and think and i am not holding back... it is only fair. So this morning at 3:30 am my grandmother died, 7 months after my grandpa but unlike most spouses who die relatively soon after a loved one dies, she died because she was to weak from the cancers and then from breaking her hip. She would have been fine after my grandpa’s death or at least survived fine if she hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer a month later. I am just so glad I got to spend part of the summer with her. But that is not what I am trying to get out. But I guess I should share this part I am going to be up for the funeral next weekend and I am not happy, I think the funeral will be fine and all will go well, but my family wants to go to Ohio for one day, and me, I don’t think that is a good idea and this is where my stress begins. I am realizing I don’t really have any friends, I mean anymore for the most part, everyone in Ohio is still in Ohio and I am in Florida, they don’t need me, I left over 6 amazing friends up there and now they all still have each other. They don’t need me and I can understand that, it is perfectly reasonable, most of them are finishing out their senior year in High School which is really exciting for them but I am in college and over 1,000 miles away so those connections are all lost, last year I made a weak effort to keep those attachments, but now I realize I am kidding myself about that. My life is in Florida and even though this summer wasn’t bad, I cant do anything like it this coming summer or ever for that matter, it is to fake. I am not a part of Ohio anymore and I am not a part of FCC or Fairfield High or anything. My attachments to Ohio have been cut; how my mom and brother keep theirs is a mystery to me… Next there are my friends that I made during my last year of High school down here, and they don’t need me either, they still are in High school they have all those friends still I am an outsider to them, and I can barely get a hold of anyone to do anything anyways when I am home so I stay by myself. And then at college, at FGCU, well I know people, and we have started to talk and hang out but I don’t know I feel like I don’t know how to make friends anymore. I am so antisocial. I am starting to freak out in groups and I am always trying to figure out how to get out of attending clubs. I am crazy. I am complaining about such stupid things but these things are tearing me up inside. I feel so stressed and I don’t know what the stressful stuff is. I mean I have tried to come up with what is bothering me, but I just don’t know. Everything seems so dumb and out of reach. My mom keeps trying to get me to go to Christian Campus Fellowship and I just can’t bring myself to go, I don’t know why, but I cant I come up with the dumbest excuses to get her off my back. I got an email from Brian who is the president of the group asking me to come and saying how awesome it is and all, and I just cant get myself their. It always seems as if something is keeping me away and the weird thing is, I think I like being away from it, I don’t want to be there I really don’t, I don’t know if I want God in a way. I don’t know I have used “I” so much in this entry it is killing me. I guess I am just lost and I don’t know my way and I don’t even have a clue where to begin to look for the path I should be on. I have no clue what to do with my life or even where it is headed. The only thing I love to do anymore is drive, and not just drive but driving fast, it is the first time I have found a somewhat healthy way to deal with stress. And now that I think about it, it probably isn’t healthy it is kind of dangerous. So I am now labeled psycho by anyone who doesn’t know me well. I guess maybe I am, I mean I am screwed up and I don’t even have big problems, but even if I did I have no where to go, the people I am closest to are my mom and brother and I don’t even tell them much. I tell them actually very little we just talk about movies and TV and stuff like that. Ok, screw this, I am done, I am posting this on all my journal things and then I am done, I give up. But I am going to leave with a quote from one of my new favorite songs by Kenny Chesney “Here’s to the strong, thanks to the brave don’t give up hope some people change against all odds, against the grade love finds a way, some people change” Some do, and some don’t...