Nihilistic fears. Was: Nihil-tastic :)
e're moving forward. Well, I am; the Cats still smell so...
Nihil is indeed the order of the day. You will never amount to anything, you will never have anything, and some fecker will always want steal what little you have anyway.
I am moving forward, but there is simply nothing to believe in. So...
29-10-14 update:
When you harass someone so badly their legs fail ( and they end up in agony for a whole year ) simply because they aren't obedient enough to your private agenda then...
It's torture isn't it. It can't be anything else. Obey the gang, or suffer more. I had to endure a year of crippling agony.
Why the hell did Croydon Nick help them? That's the bit I can't get my head around. And is Hamida Ali going to ignore this now ( I wrote to her and the fairness commission )? We already have Mark Justice in Healthwatch Croydon lying about me. That's why the CVA people resigned from Healthwatch. Because he's dodgy. For real; false allegations of Libel against me. He's lying, just like Esther was. He's also married to the Deputy Mayor, so seems to be 'protected' as he lies away. And now we have this. I do hope Croydon Labour aren't as rotten as Esther et al and Croydon Nick. I've put in A LOT of work for them, as the Croydon Torys were UTTERLY untrustworthy.
See what I mean? There is NOTHING to believe in at this stage. Croydon's entire infrastructure is fecked. Will Hamida reply? Or will she help Esther et al & Croydon Nick? Hamida is new blood, and this Fairness Commission is supposed to be a big deal so...
Yeah, I am having trouble here. Fears, Anxieties, all-sorts. Remember, Croydon wants to be gangland. That's why so many managers have gone bad, and why there is no law-enforcement left now ( unless you're poor and turn to crime to survive naturally ); they actually want to be gangland.
How am I supposed to adapt to that without living in terror ( which is a slow & painful death )?
28-10-14 update:
Yeah, I've got to the stage where I feel like the fight is over. Obviously that is good. But... My head is shot, my legs are shot, and even with my skills I can't do normal work now. So where's my way out?
There isn't one. That's the problem. What happened in Croydon simply went waaaay too far, and my life has been wrecked now. My family, those junkies, the managers that helped them, it all went waaaaay too far.
Oh, and then the Govt took my Legal Aid; so I will get no compo now. And The Cops let the gang off, obviously. Nope, no cash to rebuild with either.
We're not at a Mad Max stage yet, but I think it's safe to say that UK Society is REALLY going down the loo. I'm just glad I have my gaff. They can't take that from me.
Yeah, I feel safe. Just without hope. The country is stone broke now ( the last 5 years of dipshit Tory policy saw to that ), so for me there is simply no way to get a bail-out. It's over. So yeah, I'm adapting to this and getting my head into a place where I won't ruin what little career I have by doing something stupid.
In days gone by I substance abused. I have street-faught as well ( when needed ). But... Obviously that was in a scrappy youth with a major brain injury. Back when I had nothing to lose. I now have my business and Mental Health rep. It's a tool to get some cash; just not much. And if I lose it I am back to uber-poor's-ville. There's no room to move or let my hair down. It's like being in a vice that is twisted too tight, and there is no way out.
I still can't afford to co-habit with a wench should I meet one ( blame The Govt, I do ). And with my life so tough ( as it is now ) I need a seamstress driver who is BNP-free, has a motor, has a great ass, and nice hair.
And they do not grow on trees. They just don't.
I can't get what I want, and times are now so harsh I probably won't be able to get what I need either. Yeah, not useful.
I still blame old people and their greed. It's not easy to shake that. In the same way it's not easy to rustle up hope for the future. There will be no bail-out.
And yes, that does effect your mindset. Not in a depressed way ( thankfully ), but at the same time you do hate more. I know who did this to me ( right-wingers ), I know why they did it ( money and substance abuse ), and I want my revenge/closure ( which won't happen without Govt intervention ).
And, seeing as old people still dominate The Vote I very much doubt I'll get it.
That's why I have to adapt. Otherwise the hate will burn me up. And then they really will win.