Bah Humbug!!!!
It figures.
I rarely have anything truly exciting happen in my life. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is the hardest time of year for me. Something terrible always seems to happen. Last year it was a car accident and the boyfriend breaking up with me. The year before that it was another separation. I have to deal with the fact that my father has never loved me enough to be around me for Christmas, and though I have finally realized that I do deserve his love, and this is his fault not mine, it still hurts and leaves a very empty feeling in my heart. I spend Christmas surrounded by my family with the tree and the twinkling lights and presents, and I feel no warmth. I feel a cold despair pounding in my chest like the little drummer boy, and all I want to do is curl up and die. Everyone around me has their significant other and they are happy and laughing and loving life, and it makes me want to vomit. It honestly pains me to spend the holidays with my family. I have spent the past two years half holed up in my room alone crying while I hear Christmas carols on the stereo and my family laughing, no one wondering where I am. I have gone out and seen a movie with one of my jewish friends just to make it seem less Christmasy. Well this year my boyfriend promised to make it a better year for me. Yet he's in Iraq, and I am here, alone as ever, feeling like there is no one to share this holiday with. I always go to Candy Cane Lane and it makes me feel so festive and bright, but this year I just don't care. I've done it every year since I was a little kid, and this year it doesn't even matter. I don't look forward to doing the cookie baking that turns me into Mrs. Fields ever holiday season. I adore this normally, yet this year, again the dead feeling. Plus I have finals coming up this week, and I don't even care enough to study. I figure whats the worst that can happen, I have to retake a class? This is a far cry from my normal feeling of having to get straight A's, but I've realized that my grades mean nothing when there is no one there to share it with and I have nothing to show for them.
Now to explain the purpose of this little note. I got invited to the Christmas banquet at Pet Orphans. This is a huge honor, as not everyone gets invited, and not everyone gets awards. So we got all dressed up and ate catered food and drank at the open bar ( I'm sick and drank tons of water and coffee). It was so nice to see all these people not in their typical attire consisting of green shirts and jeans. I felt like I was with family tonight for the first time in a long time during the Christmas season. I felt the spirit of Christmas start to seep back in. To top it all off, I won awards. The first was for over 100 hours of volunteer excellence. Which is really special to me, because I'm not used to people even noticing I'm around, let alone rewarding me for it. I also received the rising star award. 12 people out of the easily over a hundred that begin working there every year get picked because they have done something very special for the group. I was the first of the 12 to be called, and I thought it was a joke. I nearly cried. I've never had anyone think I was that special before, and to be honored by a group of people that I hold in such high regard meant the world to me. On the way home I almost hit a black cat that was sitting in the middle of the road. When I missed him, he didn't even flinch. As I drove away, I could see him in my rear view mirror, just sitting there not moving. It was strange, and it would have been incredibly ironic if I had hit him on my way back from a pet rescue award dinner. When I got home I wanted to share it with someone so bad, but there was no one to be found. No family on-line to talk to, no boyfriend to share it with or show the award to, and then I realized, I was alone. None of the awards matter because there is no one to be proud of me, no one to hug me and tell me good job. I had just left the only people who think I'm worth appreciating, the only people who have ever thought I was special enough to warrant an award for anything. These people have become my family and I'm scared to let them go. I go to Pet Orphans when I feel down, because I know someone there can make me smile. If all else fails, one on one time with a dog is sure to help. Without them this season would surely have had me in a dark room staring at a blank wall by now. So thanks guys for being there, wherever you may be now.
I rarely have anything truly exciting happen in my life. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is the hardest time of year for me. Something terrible always seems to happen. Last year it was a car accident and the boyfriend breaking up with me. The year before that it was another separation. I have to deal with the fact that my father has never loved me enough to be around me for Christmas, and though I have finally realized that I do deserve his love, and this is his fault not mine, it still hurts and leaves a very empty feeling in my heart. I spend Christmas surrounded by my family with the tree and the twinkling lights and presents, and I feel no warmth. I feel a cold despair pounding in my chest like the little drummer boy, and all I want to do is curl up and die. Everyone around me has their significant other and they are happy and laughing and loving life, and it makes me want to vomit. It honestly pains me to spend the holidays with my family. I have spent the past two years half holed up in my room alone crying while I hear Christmas carols on the stereo and my family laughing, no one wondering where I am. I have gone out and seen a movie with one of my jewish friends just to make it seem less Christmasy. Well this year my boyfriend promised to make it a better year for me. Yet he's in Iraq, and I am here, alone as ever, feeling like there is no one to share this holiday with. I always go to Candy Cane Lane and it makes me feel so festive and bright, but this year I just don't care. I've done it every year since I was a little kid, and this year it doesn't even matter. I don't look forward to doing the cookie baking that turns me into Mrs. Fields ever holiday season. I adore this normally, yet this year, again the dead feeling. Plus I have finals coming up this week, and I don't even care enough to study. I figure whats the worst that can happen, I have to retake a class? This is a far cry from my normal feeling of having to get straight A's, but I've realized that my grades mean nothing when there is no one there to share it with and I have nothing to show for them.
Now to explain the purpose of this little note. I got invited to the Christmas banquet at Pet Orphans. This is a huge honor, as not everyone gets invited, and not everyone gets awards. So we got all dressed up and ate catered food and drank at the open bar ( I'm sick and drank tons of water and coffee). It was so nice to see all these people not in their typical attire consisting of green shirts and jeans. I felt like I was with family tonight for the first time in a long time during the Christmas season. I felt the spirit of Christmas start to seep back in. To top it all off, I won awards. The first was for over 100 hours of volunteer excellence. Which is really special to me, because I'm not used to people even noticing I'm around, let alone rewarding me for it. I also received the rising star award. 12 people out of the easily over a hundred that begin working there every year get picked because they have done something very special for the group. I was the first of the 12 to be called, and I thought it was a joke. I nearly cried. I've never had anyone think I was that special before, and to be honored by a group of people that I hold in such high regard meant the world to me. On the way home I almost hit a black cat that was sitting in the middle of the road. When I missed him, he didn't even flinch. As I drove away, I could see him in my rear view mirror, just sitting there not moving. It was strange, and it would have been incredibly ironic if I had hit him on my way back from a pet rescue award dinner. When I got home I wanted to share it with someone so bad, but there was no one to be found. No family on-line to talk to, no boyfriend to share it with or show the award to, and then I realized, I was alone. None of the awards matter because there is no one to be proud of me, no one to hug me and tell me good job. I had just left the only people who think I'm worth appreciating, the only people who have ever thought I was special enough to warrant an award for anything. These people have become my family and I'm scared to let them go. I go to Pet Orphans when I feel down, because I know someone there can make me smile. If all else fails, one on one time with a dog is sure to help. Without them this season would surely have had me in a dark room staring at a blank wall by now. So thanks guys for being there, wherever you may be now.