And the point of this misery is...........?
It is soooo damn cold here, I refuse to leave the house. I've been kind of down lately...I know a lot of it is because of the weather...but I'll still feel better after venting. I know this will be long, but I could use the support.
What's say I go back in time and work forward...I'm no longer working. After Christmas, the night shift is laid off for a few weeks...my boss wants me back when they start, but I'll have started school by then and I don't know what I'll do. Evidently, I can go in if and when I can/want to...but I still don't know. Working was fun...a much better experience than when I worked there last time. I had a blast with my supervisors and it was nice being with my cousin (though very irritating at times). Towards the end, I completely lost patience with her. I love her dearly, but this girl is the most selfish and inconsiderate person in New Jersey. When we first started working (early November), somehow New Years Eve came up. I asked if she wanted to spend it with Matt and I again like last year, and she said yes. The week before Christmas, we're on our break, and she goes, "Oh Chris, I might not come to your house on New Years." OK..."How come," I ask. Her response? "One of my other friends wants me to come to her house." I didn't get mad...I calmly said, "Well that's rude." And you know what she says? "How is that rude?" she asks. I just had to laugh. I asked her if she told her friend she was coming to my house. She said no. She said her friend wanted her there because she's "never really stayed at her house before." That's an even bigger hoot. I just couldn't believe someone could be so rude. If she had told me some guy she really liked finally asked her out and she wanted to go out with him, then yeah, I'd probably be more understanding. But who agrees to go somewhere and then agrees to someone else's invite? Better yet, who outright admits it? I guess maybe I should be happy that she was honest but that wasn't the case...because then came the lies. I told her that her actions were very inconsiderate and immature and went to the bathroom--outside the stall she continued talking to me--she was like, "Well Matt's gonna be there, right?"..."So you won't be alone," as if that's the point here. She said, "If you really want me there, I'll come." The night continued with me not speaking to her...on the ride home, she asked if I was going to give her the silent treatment all night. I don't remember exactly what I said but she again said that if I wanted her there, she'd come. She said she was uncomfortable with Matt and I and that she feels like a third wheel. Normally, I'd understand someone saying that, however, she's hung out with the two of us about a dozen times and she's never said anything. I asked why she never said anything and she said, "I was trying to be nice." I know she was lying and I told her so. I've never done anything to make either of them feel left out. They're two of my favorite people and I have never neglected either of them. I told her that and added that if she felt that way, it was her own problem because I've never done anything to make either of them feel uncomfortable. If you don't want to be with us, fine, don't make up lies. I also told her I didn't want anyone in my house who didn't feel comfortable there and that I don't need people lying to me just to be nice. Plenty of people are nice to me because they want to be. I'm an adult who can take the truth--when it is in fact the truth. That was the end of that nonsense.
That weekend (the weekend before Christmas), Matt, my parents and I went into the city to see Jersey Boys on Broadway. It was fabulous...one of top three so far. It was literally like the Four Seasons were there in person. It was awesome to learn the backstory about them and how they came to be. It's weird to think about people who lived no more than 10 minutes away from you. It makes you think...maybe if I were born 60 years ago, I might have known these people...I might have been friends with them. Just weird thoughts. We all loved it. One of each of our Christmas presents was the ticket for Mary Poppins which we'll see in April.
Christmas, I'm sad to say, was miserable. I spent most of Christmas Eve crying. I had to do so much and it was so stressful and it felt like anytime I came into contact with anyone, they were criticizing me for something. I just couldn't take it. My brother does nothing, as he doesn't believe in Christmas. We all know this, but we still buy him things and until now, he bought us something. I have to shop for my mom's presents because my dad has no idea what to get her. And whenever he does get her something, he's so proud of it, I just can't tell him it's ridiculous. Anyway, the past few years, I've always just given my brother something to give her. This year, I told my mom that I didn't want him coming to me on Christmas Eve asking if I had something to give her. She told him this and he said OK...but then he said, "Thank you for telling me that because now I'm gonna ask her just to piss her off." Nice, huh? He didn't buy anything for anyone, which I could care less about...I don't care if I get something from him. I know he asked my mom what he could give me and my dad and she suggested a season of a television show I like. You know what he said? "I don't approve of that show and I think it's stupid that you both watch it." The point is, no one cares if he gives us anything or not...but I don't have it in me not to give him something. I got him something I was so proud of and I just look and feel like a fool. So Christmas comes and he doesn't get up to open anything because he says he didn't get anything for anyone. Again, fine...but wouldn't you think that he would tell my mother this BEFORE she took the time to wrap up everything for him? He finally opened mine a few days ago after I asked him to, but everything else is still sitting under the tree wrapped. He and my mom had a fight on Christmas Eve too...she told me some things he said and that was it...I broke down and cried in my father's arms for 5 minutes. It was a horrible night.
Christmas itself was no better. My aunt Janet and uncle Eric were here, along with my aunt Eleanor and cousin (same one). Matt was here as well. And again, it was an opportunity for everyone to take me self esteem and step on every ounce of it. People seem to think I'm a bossy girlfriend (I'm not) and I never let him talk. Matt isn't necessarily shy, but he's pretty quiet and soft spoken. He does not talk much. He never shuts up when he's alone with me, however. Of course, everyone isn't with us all the time so they don't know this. So most of the night, Matt kept being questioned by everyone (except my mother, aunt Eleanor and brother), "Why do you stay with her?" "Get out while you can." "How do you put up with this?" Yeah, everyone says they're joking but after a while, it really starts to hurt. So instead of sitting there crying, I simply got up with him and went upstairs to cry. I was also upset that he doesn't say anything to defend himself. Here's the thing about Matt...he doesn't care what anyone says or thinks, so he'd rather just ignore everyone, which is just hard for me sometimes when I feel like I'm being attacked.
It feels like everyone lately has just been making me feel so bad about myself. The last couple of weeks of work, I was giving the security guard a ride home too...he asked me about school and my major...when I answered, I was told that it was a boring major. I told him I didn't think so. He said, "Well what can you do with it really besides be a teacher or a professor?" That's exactly what I'd like to do with it, thank you very much...although there's plenty to do with it. When I said that's what I wanted to do, he said it was dangerous to be a teacher these days. Whateva, pal. In America, is there really a job that isn't dangerous? Then, I saw my surrogate aunt and uncle the day before New Years Eve, and my aunt, mother and I got into the subject of blood pressure. My father's is high, my mom's is normal. I simply asked how likely it was that I would have it and my aunt says "likely". I know I'm bad with math, but wouldn't logic say it's a 50/50% chance? I should have thought more about it before I asked. Anyway, she goes "Weight has a lot to do with it too" whilst looking at me, thus making me feel paranoid and uncomfortable. And by the way, I think someone should educate her on the subject, because seldom does weight play a role in blood pressure levels. As far as I've always been taught, it's mainly determined by genetics and stress levels. But way to go auntie...nothing like making someone feel like a lazy whale.
Anyway, New Years Eve was nice...it was Matt and I here alone...My cousin came by to get her paycheck and Christmas present. I drove her home and it was pretty obvious she wasn't going to any friend's house. Oh well, I wasn't about to invite her to spend the night with us. Wouldn't want her feeling uncomfortable. Anyway, Matt and I had a wonderful time together. We ate, drank, and brought in the new year with a bang ;). I know I started to tear up at about 12:01...but I didn't actually cry. But now that it's a few days into the year, I'm all upset and feeling tense. I expect the next couple of years will be very busy and hectic for me. I intend to graduate college and get engaged. It's 2008 and I can actually say, "Next year, I'll be engaged...yay!" Then it's like, "Oh...my...God...next year?!?! That's too soon!" I'm worried about starting Montclair. PCCC is a community college...a lot of the people there are people returning to school. I was always one of the youngest people in my classes. Now I'll be one of the oldest at this 4 year school that mostly young people attend. I'm petrified. I won't be housing there this semester, but I still want to make friends. And even when I do house there, I'm worried I won't make any friends, even with roommates. When I went away to Niagara, I lived alone and never talked to anyone. I just feel like I don't connect with many people and I don't wanna look like an idiot introducing myself to a bunch of people who could care less who I am. I'm worried about having a tough time with classes. I'm worried about not being able to finish by the time I want to. I'm just worried about everything. Stick a fork in me.
What's say I go back in time and work forward...I'm no longer working. After Christmas, the night shift is laid off for a few weeks...my boss wants me back when they start, but I'll have started school by then and I don't know what I'll do. Evidently, I can go in if and when I can/want to...but I still don't know. Working was fun...a much better experience than when I worked there last time. I had a blast with my supervisors and it was nice being with my cousin (though very irritating at times). Towards the end, I completely lost patience with her. I love her dearly, but this girl is the most selfish and inconsiderate person in New Jersey. When we first started working (early November), somehow New Years Eve came up. I asked if she wanted to spend it with Matt and I again like last year, and she said yes. The week before Christmas, we're on our break, and she goes, "Oh Chris, I might not come to your house on New Years." OK..."How come," I ask. Her response? "One of my other friends wants me to come to her house." I didn't get mad...I calmly said, "Well that's rude." And you know what she says? "How is that rude?" she asks. I just had to laugh. I asked her if she told her friend she was coming to my house. She said no. She said her friend wanted her there because she's "never really stayed at her house before." That's an even bigger hoot. I just couldn't believe someone could be so rude. If she had told me some guy she really liked finally asked her out and she wanted to go out with him, then yeah, I'd probably be more understanding. But who agrees to go somewhere and then agrees to someone else's invite? Better yet, who outright admits it? I guess maybe I should be happy that she was honest but that wasn't the case...because then came the lies. I told her that her actions were very inconsiderate and immature and went to the bathroom--outside the stall she continued talking to me--she was like, "Well Matt's gonna be there, right?"..."So you won't be alone," as if that's the point here. She said, "If you really want me there, I'll come." The night continued with me not speaking to her...on the ride home, she asked if I was going to give her the silent treatment all night. I don't remember exactly what I said but she again said that if I wanted her there, she'd come. She said she was uncomfortable with Matt and I and that she feels like a third wheel. Normally, I'd understand someone saying that, however, she's hung out with the two of us about a dozen times and she's never said anything. I asked why she never said anything and she said, "I was trying to be nice." I know she was lying and I told her so. I've never done anything to make either of them feel left out. They're two of my favorite people and I have never neglected either of them. I told her that and added that if she felt that way, it was her own problem because I've never done anything to make either of them feel uncomfortable. If you don't want to be with us, fine, don't make up lies. I also told her I didn't want anyone in my house who didn't feel comfortable there and that I don't need people lying to me just to be nice. Plenty of people are nice to me because they want to be. I'm an adult who can take the truth--when it is in fact the truth. That was the end of that nonsense.
That weekend (the weekend before Christmas), Matt, my parents and I went into the city to see Jersey Boys on Broadway. It was fabulous...one of top three so far. It was literally like the Four Seasons were there in person. It was awesome to learn the backstory about them and how they came to be. It's weird to think about people who lived no more than 10 minutes away from you. It makes you think...maybe if I were born 60 years ago, I might have known these people...I might have been friends with them. Just weird thoughts. We all loved it. One of each of our Christmas presents was the ticket for Mary Poppins which we'll see in April.
Christmas, I'm sad to say, was miserable. I spent most of Christmas Eve crying. I had to do so much and it was so stressful and it felt like anytime I came into contact with anyone, they were criticizing me for something. I just couldn't take it. My brother does nothing, as he doesn't believe in Christmas. We all know this, but we still buy him things and until now, he bought us something. I have to shop for my mom's presents because my dad has no idea what to get her. And whenever he does get her something, he's so proud of it, I just can't tell him it's ridiculous. Anyway, the past few years, I've always just given my brother something to give her. This year, I told my mom that I didn't want him coming to me on Christmas Eve asking if I had something to give her. She told him this and he said OK...but then he said, "Thank you for telling me that because now I'm gonna ask her just to piss her off." Nice, huh? He didn't buy anything for anyone, which I could care less about...I don't care if I get something from him. I know he asked my mom what he could give me and my dad and she suggested a season of a television show I like. You know what he said? "I don't approve of that show and I think it's stupid that you both watch it." The point is, no one cares if he gives us anything or not...but I don't have it in me not to give him something. I got him something I was so proud of and I just look and feel like a fool. So Christmas comes and he doesn't get up to open anything because he says he didn't get anything for anyone. Again, fine...but wouldn't you think that he would tell my mother this BEFORE she took the time to wrap up everything for him? He finally opened mine a few days ago after I asked him to, but everything else is still sitting under the tree wrapped. He and my mom had a fight on Christmas Eve too...she told me some things he said and that was it...I broke down and cried in my father's arms for 5 minutes. It was a horrible night.
Christmas itself was no better. My aunt Janet and uncle Eric were here, along with my aunt Eleanor and cousin (same one). Matt was here as well. And again, it was an opportunity for everyone to take me self esteem and step on every ounce of it. People seem to think I'm a bossy girlfriend (I'm not) and I never let him talk. Matt isn't necessarily shy, but he's pretty quiet and soft spoken. He does not talk much. He never shuts up when he's alone with me, however. Of course, everyone isn't with us all the time so they don't know this. So most of the night, Matt kept being questioned by everyone (except my mother, aunt Eleanor and brother), "Why do you stay with her?" "Get out while you can." "How do you put up with this?" Yeah, everyone says they're joking but after a while, it really starts to hurt. So instead of sitting there crying, I simply got up with him and went upstairs to cry. I was also upset that he doesn't say anything to defend himself. Here's the thing about Matt...he doesn't care what anyone says or thinks, so he'd rather just ignore everyone, which is just hard for me sometimes when I feel like I'm being attacked.
It feels like everyone lately has just been making me feel so bad about myself. The last couple of weeks of work, I was giving the security guard a ride home too...he asked me about school and my major...when I answered, I was told that it was a boring major. I told him I didn't think so. He said, "Well what can you do with it really besides be a teacher or a professor?" That's exactly what I'd like to do with it, thank you very much...although there's plenty to do with it. When I said that's what I wanted to do, he said it was dangerous to be a teacher these days. Whateva, pal. In America, is there really a job that isn't dangerous? Then, I saw my surrogate aunt and uncle the day before New Years Eve, and my aunt, mother and I got into the subject of blood pressure. My father's is high, my mom's is normal. I simply asked how likely it was that I would have it and my aunt says "likely". I know I'm bad with math, but wouldn't logic say it's a 50/50% chance? I should have thought more about it before I asked. Anyway, she goes "Weight has a lot to do with it too" whilst looking at me, thus making me feel paranoid and uncomfortable. And by the way, I think someone should educate her on the subject, because seldom does weight play a role in blood pressure levels. As far as I've always been taught, it's mainly determined by genetics and stress levels. But way to go auntie...nothing like making someone feel like a lazy whale.
Anyway, New Years Eve was nice...it was Matt and I here alone...My cousin came by to get her paycheck and Christmas present. I drove her home and it was pretty obvious she wasn't going to any friend's house. Oh well, I wasn't about to invite her to spend the night with us. Wouldn't want her feeling uncomfortable. Anyway, Matt and I had a wonderful time together. We ate, drank, and brought in the new year with a bang ;). I know I started to tear up at about 12:01...but I didn't actually cry. But now that it's a few days into the year, I'm all upset and feeling tense. I expect the next couple of years will be very busy and hectic for me. I intend to graduate college and get engaged. It's 2008 and I can actually say, "Next year, I'll be engaged...yay!" Then it's like, "Oh...my...God...next year?!?! That's too soon!" I'm worried about starting Montclair. PCCC is a community college...a lot of the people there are people returning to school. I was always one of the youngest people in my classes. Now I'll be one of the oldest at this 4 year school that mostly young people attend. I'm petrified. I won't be housing there this semester, but I still want to make friends. And even when I do house there, I'm worried I won't make any friends, even with roommates. When I went away to Niagara, I lived alone and never talked to anyone. I just feel like I don't connect with many people and I don't wanna look like an idiot introducing myself to a bunch of people who could care less who I am. I'm worried about having a tough time with classes. I'm worried about not being able to finish by the time I want to. I'm just worried about everything. Stick a fork in me.