(no subject)
i am in a wierd place today. A bad mood, kinda. Not angry but....unsettled. i was talking to a friend the other night and she talked about not being able to shut her brain off. Not being able to stop flashes and memories. i totally understand where she was coming from. i used to be that way everyday. It has gotten better but today it is back. My thoughts are jumping between flashes of the past and thoughts of the future. Scared, unsettling thoughts. The kind where you question every movement you have made or will make. Second guessing yourself all the way. And everything i have tried to distract myself isn't working. Word games. Reading. TV. Baths. Nothing is seeming to help.
My Mom is here, visiting my Sister and they want me to come up. i dont want to go. Not because i dont love my Mom or anything, but because i have pushed myself about as far as i can today. It's one of those days where you want to hide out in the bed and not do anything but wallow in self-pity. That's exactly what i want to do today. And i hate self-pity. i hate feeling like poor, poor, pitiful me. But, i really want to go to bed and just cry.
And it's really not anything anyone has done or even anything i have done. It's just one of those days. A day that will pass i am sure. A day that will fade in to a memory soon. At least i hope so. Yes, there have been some stressors this week. Going back to work, insurance company srewed up my check again, my house is still a mess and i still havent painted the DAMN kitchen. But, nothing i shouldnt be able to handle. i have a board meeting tomorrow and i so dont want to go. Not feeling up to dealing with eogs and eccentricities of the other members. i frankly want to tell them FUCK off and get a life. i am tired of feeling like i am doing everything. But, i will smile sweetly and be the good little girl that i always am. So fucking accomodating. What else is new.
i want to be taken care of today. A massage and a hug while someone strokes my hair until i fall asleep. Someone telling me i am not everything that is flowing through my mind. That it is all going to be OK. That i will get through this. That there will come a day when i dont slip this deeply in to such a "bad place". Today it seems like i will never reach that stage.
i am tired. And i have things to do. Time to put on a happy face and get on with the day.
My Mom is here, visiting my Sister and they want me to come up. i dont want to go. Not because i dont love my Mom or anything, but because i have pushed myself about as far as i can today. It's one of those days where you want to hide out in the bed and not do anything but wallow in self-pity. That's exactly what i want to do today. And i hate self-pity. i hate feeling like poor, poor, pitiful me. But, i really want to go to bed and just cry.
And it's really not anything anyone has done or even anything i have done. It's just one of those days. A day that will pass i am sure. A day that will fade in to a memory soon. At least i hope so. Yes, there have been some stressors this week. Going back to work, insurance company srewed up my check again, my house is still a mess and i still havent painted the DAMN kitchen. But, nothing i shouldnt be able to handle. i have a board meeting tomorrow and i so dont want to go. Not feeling up to dealing with eogs and eccentricities of the other members. i frankly want to tell them FUCK off and get a life. i am tired of feeling like i am doing everything. But, i will smile sweetly and be the good little girl that i always am. So fucking accomodating. What else is new.
i want to be taken care of today. A massage and a hug while someone strokes my hair until i fall asleep. Someone telling me i am not everything that is flowing through my mind. That it is all going to be OK. That i will get through this. That there will come a day when i dont slip this deeply in to such a "bad place". Today it seems like i will never reach that stage.
i am tired. And i have things to do. Time to put on a happy face and get on with the day.