(no subject)
So back from the session.
Too many tears. i am tired. There are times that i wish i was addicted to drugs or alcohol so i could come home and numb the emotions. Does anyone else ever feel that way? i took a 30 min walk with a dog i dogsitting for. Turst me the last time i have taken a walk has been quite a while. Perhaps i should do it every day. OK. i am procrastinating writing the feelings i am having. Yes, i see it. i know it.
To open up to my friends is hard enough. To open up to someone who is a virtual stranger may even be harder. Maybe not though. Friends have preconcieved notions of who you are. What you are like and how you react. i doubt anyone has truly seen the real me. In actuality i dont even know who the real me is. They can be judgemental. R (my therapist) has not been judgemental....yet. i am waiting for the shoe to drop. Anyway, to talk of my feelings of worthlessness....it is very hard.
Today i talked about how many times i have fucked numerous people. Their names i dont remember. How i slip into periods of self-destruction. i can feel myself spiraling down into them. It's been a while since i have actually allowed myself to "give in". But, i wonder if that isnt more that i have a roommate now and would feel ashamed for her to know i had allowed some random man come and use me. Without knowing who they really are...or putting myself at risk that they are some crazy bastard that would slit my throat and leave me there to die.
She asked why i did these things? God, sometimes the questions are so hard to answer......Sometimes you arent really sure and you have to look deep in to your soul and try to find the answers. Being careful not to give her the answer she wants or the "right" answer because the need to please is so great. The need for self approval is sometimes the most difficult thing to overcome. So i looked deep in my soul as to why i would allow myself to be treated that way? Why most of my relationships are based on sex? And the truth is...i dont feel i deserve anything better. i am not worth a "normal" loving relationship. The only thing i am good for is fucking for men and a shoulder to lean on in women. chrissie the party girl. The sweet one. The dependable one. The one people turn to when they have a problem. When they need something, be it ego strokes or a helping hand.
OK. OK. The logical part of my brain knows this isnt true. i mean i am an intelligent, caring person. A fucking nurse for God's sakes who has compassion and has held the hands of patients or loved ones as they drifted off to death. So why dont i believe it? Why cant i just know it? That i am worthy of more than this relationship with W. a married man. That i deserve someone who wants to love me not just fuck me. How do i let the emotional side of me realize this. How do i believe it?
This has been harder than i thought it would be. There are times i think of ending it all. No, i have no plans and have promised many that if it gets to that i will call and talk to someone first. And if nothing else i keep my promises. God there are times i wish i didnt.
OK. Enough for the day. i have creid too many tears and dealt with too many emotions...most of which you dont see here but were dealt with on the ride home and the 30 min walk. i wish each of you God speed.
Too many tears. i am tired. There are times that i wish i was addicted to drugs or alcohol so i could come home and numb the emotions. Does anyone else ever feel that way? i took a 30 min walk with a dog i dogsitting for. Turst me the last time i have taken a walk has been quite a while. Perhaps i should do it every day. OK. i am procrastinating writing the feelings i am having. Yes, i see it. i know it.
To open up to my friends is hard enough. To open up to someone who is a virtual stranger may even be harder. Maybe not though. Friends have preconcieved notions of who you are. What you are like and how you react. i doubt anyone has truly seen the real me. In actuality i dont even know who the real me is. They can be judgemental. R (my therapist) has not been judgemental....yet. i am waiting for the shoe to drop. Anyway, to talk of my feelings of worthlessness....it is very hard.
Today i talked about how many times i have fucked numerous people. Their names i dont remember. How i slip into periods of self-destruction. i can feel myself spiraling down into them. It's been a while since i have actually allowed myself to "give in". But, i wonder if that isnt more that i have a roommate now and would feel ashamed for her to know i had allowed some random man come and use me. Without knowing who they really are...or putting myself at risk that they are some crazy bastard that would slit my throat and leave me there to die.
She asked why i did these things? God, sometimes the questions are so hard to answer......Sometimes you arent really sure and you have to look deep in to your soul and try to find the answers. Being careful not to give her the answer she wants or the "right" answer because the need to please is so great. The need for self approval is sometimes the most difficult thing to overcome. So i looked deep in my soul as to why i would allow myself to be treated that way? Why most of my relationships are based on sex? And the truth is...i dont feel i deserve anything better. i am not worth a "normal" loving relationship. The only thing i am good for is fucking for men and a shoulder to lean on in women. chrissie the party girl. The sweet one. The dependable one. The one people turn to when they have a problem. When they need something, be it ego strokes or a helping hand.
OK. OK. The logical part of my brain knows this isnt true. i mean i am an intelligent, caring person. A fucking nurse for God's sakes who has compassion and has held the hands of patients or loved ones as they drifted off to death. So why dont i believe it? Why cant i just know it? That i am worthy of more than this relationship with W. a married man. That i deserve someone who wants to love me not just fuck me. How do i let the emotional side of me realize this. How do i believe it?
This has been harder than i thought it would be. There are times i think of ending it all. No, i have no plans and have promised many that if it gets to that i will call and talk to someone first. And if nothing else i keep my promises. God there are times i wish i didnt.
OK. Enough for the day. i have creid too many tears and dealt with too many emotions...most of which you dont see here but were dealt with on the ride home and the 30 min walk. i wish each of you God speed.