(no subject)
I'm just going to let it flow...let it floooow....let it flow on out like white water rapids. Slow at first, almost serene, but with a slight inclination that the speed will pick up. And then faster, picking up speed. Molecules rushing now...faster and faster. A rapid rush of emotion.
So I was in bed and thinking last night...trying to make some sense of why someone would do what has been done to me. And how quickly I slipped and fell for this person that molded my heart in a shell of deceit. What would I do now? And an idea hit me. Write about it, Chris. Except, it wasn't so much an idea as it was the words of a concerned Desha from one week ago. I thought of an idea...just an outline of what I want to write. To put my experience into action. That is what I want to do. And I want Hilary Swank as the lead. Working title: "Fuck Jonny"
lol
Just kidding. I wish I could even say that's my real emotion for the whole situation. I don't even know who "Jonny" is...or who the guy is that I've been told "Jonny" is in pictures. It's quite the mess. To try and put into words how I feel...nearly impossible. I definitely think I should meet new people. And I've actually done more in meeting real people than ever. I went to a club on Thursday and met some new people, I hung out with Daelen, and might see a new friend later this week. That's more than I want to do - and I really feel sick about it all. I know that it is for the best, but I really want to be alone.
I'm also toying with the idea of talking to someone...a shrink...and I feel like now I really know what it's like to be jaded and untrusting - these are such adult feelings. I am constantly thinking about how this whole situation will change me forever. I am having a great deal of trouble adjusting to my new reality.
So....Sean, the ex, wanted to move in with me temporarily before he moves into a place with his new boyfriend. I said yes...before my life took a turn. And now? I don't think I can handle not having my home as my sanctuary. I think that is the bottom line. Work takes a toll on me, I come home, and I don't really want to be social. I don't want to risk having bitter feelings toward Sean because he didn't wash dishes or because he stays up late or because he won't get off the couch...I dunno. So I'm leaning toward no.
My career could be taking a turn as well...the option to cast for $300 more a week could be on the horizon. That would pay the rent...in a week! But I would have to leave WWE...my dream company. There is so much happening...I'd hate to leave before April. There's just a 30% chance that would happen.
Aside from all of this, I am trying to get back into better shape. We'll see how it goes. So much has changed...I think of January 2006 and I feels like an entire lifetime ago. And now it's time to get back to work.
<><><>Later dayz...
So I was in bed and thinking last night...trying to make some sense of why someone would do what has been done to me. And how quickly I slipped and fell for this person that molded my heart in a shell of deceit. What would I do now? And an idea hit me. Write about it, Chris. Except, it wasn't so much an idea as it was the words of a concerned Desha from one week ago. I thought of an idea...just an outline of what I want to write. To put my experience into action. That is what I want to do. And I want Hilary Swank as the lead. Working title: "Fuck Jonny"
lol
Just kidding. I wish I could even say that's my real emotion for the whole situation. I don't even know who "Jonny" is...or who the guy is that I've been told "Jonny" is in pictures. It's quite the mess. To try and put into words how I feel...nearly impossible. I definitely think I should meet new people. And I've actually done more in meeting real people than ever. I went to a club on Thursday and met some new people, I hung out with Daelen, and might see a new friend later this week. That's more than I want to do - and I really feel sick about it all. I know that it is for the best, but I really want to be alone.
I'm also toying with the idea of talking to someone...a shrink...and I feel like now I really know what it's like to be jaded and untrusting - these are such adult feelings. I am constantly thinking about how this whole situation will change me forever. I am having a great deal of trouble adjusting to my new reality.
So....Sean, the ex, wanted to move in with me temporarily before he moves into a place with his new boyfriend. I said yes...before my life took a turn. And now? I don't think I can handle not having my home as my sanctuary. I think that is the bottom line. Work takes a toll on me, I come home, and I don't really want to be social. I don't want to risk having bitter feelings toward Sean because he didn't wash dishes or because he stays up late or because he won't get off the couch...I dunno. So I'm leaning toward no.
My career could be taking a turn as well...the option to cast for $300 more a week could be on the horizon. That would pay the rent...in a week! But I would have to leave WWE...my dream company. There is so much happening...I'd hate to leave before April. There's just a 30% chance that would happen.
Aside from all of this, I am trying to get back into better shape. We'll see how it goes. So much has changed...I think of January 2006 and I feels like an entire lifetime ago. And now it's time to get back to work.
<><><>Later dayz...