last night sucked.. tahts all i gota say.
well, i gues i should update..
i started my own business landscaping and home repair, redid my basement room, and built a coffee table..
but seriously.. last night was one fucking fucked up night..
alice talked to me for a lil while.. just things b/t us are so weird now.. just as i was affraid of. shes goin out with my friend nick.. their so good together.. but i kno in my heart i'm not really happy about it.. on top of that... we ended up talking about things that triggered me an anxiety attack.. i havent had one in a few weks n it just came up on me so suddenly... then who do u kno calls? nicole.. i havent heard frmo her in months but she said she kinda iscolated herself from everyone.. the only reason she called me was she wanted to see how i was... shes seein sum guy now.. i gues thats cool.
earlier taht nite.. my rents told me at applebees we needed to goto a funeral that was right next to leannes house... i coudlnt face that. i mean, theres just things i'm not ready for.. i swear i'd drop right back to square one if i was on her street... theres triggers in me that i'm just not ready to deal with.. i know i've come a long way but theres just some things i'm not ready to see for myself.. like her.. or her with dave... it would just kill me. all over again.
alice said i could wish for ever to take back all the thigns i regreted.. but their never gona change.. i just have to live with my mistakes..
but why did leanne have to be a mistake??? she wasn't supposed to.. its just not fair.. it wasn't supposed to be like this... i just cant see myself with neone else.. no matter how hard i've tried.. i just cant see it...
then last night.. i had a realy bad dream..
i dreamed i was at four winds in the outpatient program and iw anted to see if i could be an independent.. so i left for iraq. there was a village with almost a moat around the whole thing where the current was realy strong.. and the water was clean, but alot of dirt was in it.. there the natives were civilized yet when they had disputes, they cut off the heads of the ones in question.. it made me scared tos ee the dead bodies by myfeet n the familes pickin up ripped faces off the ground.. there i tried to find out where to contact my parents.. i couldnt take the feeling of not being safe... so i found an american with his family on vacation.. but he wouldn't help me. he told me a few thigns but iw as full of so many questions he just told me to leave.. then i found an office building he was tellin me about but i couldnt call my parents b/c i had no cash and they wouldnt let me use the office phone b/c of long distance charges.. i ended up walking back into the village wher ei found a tend that was on the boarder of iran and iraq. i went inside n there was the valve for the water in the moat.. but inside was a discusting spiderweb w/ a spider that scared the shit outa me.. i ran into this coridor almost like an airplane cab.. where people were being asked by the stewartist if tey had ne prob or somethin.. n they asked what i watned n i just broke down b/c i said "i wanted to be independed so i came to iraq to live on my own.. but i cant do it. theres just some things i cant do!! now i cant get in contact wiht my parents.. and ll i want right now more than anything in the world are them............. i want my mom." then they put me on a train back home...
mom woke me up n i gave her a big hug..
i hate being depressed.. its the worst feeling in the world.. it really is. its worst than death.. maybe now whoever is reading this might understand why i tried to kill myself.. u really hav eno idea how much pain it is so keep pushing thru all of this shit. no matter how many good things u accomplish.. theres always going to be that sense inside me that tells me... im not good enough for anyone. all b/c i fucked up n the only girl that ever mattered in my life left me....
its life stopping.
So I pretend I'm doing all I can
and hope someday you'll find it in your heart
to understand why I'm not around
and forgive me for not being in your life.
I remember waiting for you to come.
Remember waiting for you to call.
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all.
Maybe someday you'll really get to know me
not just from letters read to you.
I pray I get the chance to make it up to you.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
i started my own business landscaping and home repair, redid my basement room, and built a coffee table..
but seriously.. last night was one fucking fucked up night..
alice talked to me for a lil while.. just things b/t us are so weird now.. just as i was affraid of. shes goin out with my friend nick.. their so good together.. but i kno in my heart i'm not really happy about it.. on top of that... we ended up talking about things that triggered me an anxiety attack.. i havent had one in a few weks n it just came up on me so suddenly... then who do u kno calls? nicole.. i havent heard frmo her in months but she said she kinda iscolated herself from everyone.. the only reason she called me was she wanted to see how i was... shes seein sum guy now.. i gues thats cool.
earlier taht nite.. my rents told me at applebees we needed to goto a funeral that was right next to leannes house... i coudlnt face that. i mean, theres just things i'm not ready for.. i swear i'd drop right back to square one if i was on her street... theres triggers in me that i'm just not ready to deal with.. i know i've come a long way but theres just some things i'm not ready to see for myself.. like her.. or her with dave... it would just kill me. all over again.
alice said i could wish for ever to take back all the thigns i regreted.. but their never gona change.. i just have to live with my mistakes..
but why did leanne have to be a mistake??? she wasn't supposed to.. its just not fair.. it wasn't supposed to be like this... i just cant see myself with neone else.. no matter how hard i've tried.. i just cant see it...
then last night.. i had a realy bad dream..
i dreamed i was at four winds in the outpatient program and iw anted to see if i could be an independent.. so i left for iraq. there was a village with almost a moat around the whole thing where the current was realy strong.. and the water was clean, but alot of dirt was in it.. there the natives were civilized yet when they had disputes, they cut off the heads of the ones in question.. it made me scared tos ee the dead bodies by myfeet n the familes pickin up ripped faces off the ground.. there i tried to find out where to contact my parents.. i couldnt take the feeling of not being safe... so i found an american with his family on vacation.. but he wouldn't help me. he told me a few thigns but iw as full of so many questions he just told me to leave.. then i found an office building he was tellin me about but i couldnt call my parents b/c i had no cash and they wouldnt let me use the office phone b/c of long distance charges.. i ended up walking back into the village wher ei found a tend that was on the boarder of iran and iraq. i went inside n there was the valve for the water in the moat.. but inside was a discusting spiderweb w/ a spider that scared the shit outa me.. i ran into this coridor almost like an airplane cab.. where people were being asked by the stewartist if tey had ne prob or somethin.. n they asked what i watned n i just broke down b/c i said "i wanted to be independed so i came to iraq to live on my own.. but i cant do it. theres just some things i cant do!! now i cant get in contact wiht my parents.. and ll i want right now more than anything in the world are them............. i want my mom." then they put me on a train back home...
mom woke me up n i gave her a big hug..
i hate being depressed.. its the worst feeling in the world.. it really is. its worst than death.. maybe now whoever is reading this might understand why i tried to kill myself.. u really hav eno idea how much pain it is so keep pushing thru all of this shit. no matter how many good things u accomplish.. theres always going to be that sense inside me that tells me... im not good enough for anyone. all b/c i fucked up n the only girl that ever mattered in my life left me....
its life stopping.
So I pretend I'm doing all I can
and hope someday you'll find it in your heart
to understand why I'm not around
and forgive me for not being in your life.
I remember waiting for you to come.
Remember waiting for you to call.
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all.
Maybe someday you'll really get to know me
not just from letters read to you.
I pray I get the chance to make it up to you.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.