(no subject)
i don't know if you even read this ever - probably not - so citing my lack of ability to communicate, i sit here listening to a sad song and thinking about you.
over the months these moments have been less and less, suprisingly, but maybe it has everything to do with how busy i am. so luckily i had a moment while sitting in front of the computer so i wanted to put it in words, but not actually send it to you, so i decided to post it on livejournal. maybe one day you'll read it. maybe not.
regardless, if you do read this then there are things that i want to tell you. i was really, really, really angry for a long time. 5 years together and all you could do was give me a drunken phone call at 1:30 in the morning, while i was at work no less, to tell me it was over. and that was that. i havent seen or heard from you since. i think i deserved better than that. but that was how you did it. and even now, i hate to say that i think less of you for it, but i do. the very least you could have done would be to tell me the truth to my face, not a line like you gave me the next day that we needed to break up to "make sure this is right". i call bullshit on all of that.
i'm not really mad anymore, thankfully. it takes a lot of energy to be pissed, and i wore out quickly. so i stopped.
i know you're happy now, and to be totally honest, i can't say i'm happy for you. i'm sorry, but i'm just not. when you broke up with me i got booted out of the little group that you run with, and that wasn't fun either. now some other dude took my place just a few months later, or earlier who knows because i've made a conscious effort to avoid any information about you on any level, and you two are doing all of the these things you and i used to do with all of the same people around that we used to do those fun things with. it sucks, honestly. and even better, regardless of my privacy setting and blocks i've set up, facebook and myspace are always there to remind me via my newsfeed of pictures and all of that shit every time i log on the fucking computer.
oh yea, and i'm sure you've heard of my staying at brittanys place every weekend i'm in athens. it's true. i do. me and her hang out alot. i know this probably pisses you off, or at least it did at some point, but i wanted to tell you something. we haven't hooked up. not even once. and we won't. in probably my most drunken and worst decision-making summer of my entire life, brittany was there through it all and she remained my friend, and nothing else. i can honestly say that she was there to listen to me cry about you when i needed somebody to talk to and, even suprisingly to me, she was genuinely concerned about me. i know you hate her - or did - but she was a good friend to me and she still is, and i wanted you to know thats all she ever was to me. a friend. period.
i'm ok now. you should know that. i really am doing much better than i ever thought i would 6 months after the fact. i work alot, probably too much, and i continue to work in athens on weekends. i love my job there and if its up to me, i'll never quit. i love my friends, i love my coworkers and its a blast every time i work there. you were never happy with me working in a bar in a college town. i know this. you and your friends made me feel like i wasn't good enough. i couldn't finish college and i wasn't a businessman. i'm sorry for that. but you have to know, regardless of if you meant to do that or not, that i felt like such a miserable failure for the first 5 months of 2007.
i got suspended at work, got another job at a fucking carwash, got turned down for the police department, and to top it all off, you ditched me 2 weeks after that. my self confidence level was sitting squarely on zero, and i opened my eyes to find myself at 26, barely able to pay the bills in a town where i was older than everyone with nothing to show for it. you have absolutely no idea how depressed i was, even before we broke up. maybe i saw it coming. who knows? i felt like a massive failure and i still struggle with being satisfied with where i am in life. its tough. and you didn't help that one fucking bit.
but now, i have a halfway decent job, and another job that still pays me a little where i can have my social time, and i'm doing pretty damn good for myself for once. things are looking up, and i dare to say that i'm actually happy for the first time in a long long time. i'm excited for what lies ahead for me. i don't give a fuck if i wait tables and stand at the door of a college bar and check IDs for a living right now. my money is as green as anyone elses and i could give a fuck about how i get my hands on it.
lastly, i wanted to say that.....i miss you. i miss you every single day. i have so many things that happen in my life that makes me want to pick up the phone to tell someone, and i realize that i can't because you're gone. the things i used to call you about or tell you about, i can't do that anymore. it's been weird adjusting to that. so i miss you, but more than a girlfriend, although i still miss you as that too. you were my best friend for 5 whole years. i can replace a girlfriend in a week, but i just wanted you to know that replacing a best friend isn't quite so easy, and after being with you it's sort of a new requirement when looking for a girlfriend.
i guess thats it. if i sit here any longer i could think of more things to say to you, but i won't. those are the main things. i wish you the best. i wish i could think of a better ending than this, but i guess i can't.
my heart hurts so bad when i really start thinking about things, but you and i are over and it'll never happen again and you know what?
in my book, that really really sucks.
over the months these moments have been less and less, suprisingly, but maybe it has everything to do with how busy i am. so luckily i had a moment while sitting in front of the computer so i wanted to put it in words, but not actually send it to you, so i decided to post it on livejournal. maybe one day you'll read it. maybe not.
regardless, if you do read this then there are things that i want to tell you. i was really, really, really angry for a long time. 5 years together and all you could do was give me a drunken phone call at 1:30 in the morning, while i was at work no less, to tell me it was over. and that was that. i havent seen or heard from you since. i think i deserved better than that. but that was how you did it. and even now, i hate to say that i think less of you for it, but i do. the very least you could have done would be to tell me the truth to my face, not a line like you gave me the next day that we needed to break up to "make sure this is right". i call bullshit on all of that.
i'm not really mad anymore, thankfully. it takes a lot of energy to be pissed, and i wore out quickly. so i stopped.
i know you're happy now, and to be totally honest, i can't say i'm happy for you. i'm sorry, but i'm just not. when you broke up with me i got booted out of the little group that you run with, and that wasn't fun either. now some other dude took my place just a few months later, or earlier who knows because i've made a conscious effort to avoid any information about you on any level, and you two are doing all of the these things you and i used to do with all of the same people around that we used to do those fun things with. it sucks, honestly. and even better, regardless of my privacy setting and blocks i've set up, facebook and myspace are always there to remind me via my newsfeed of pictures and all of that shit every time i log on the fucking computer.
oh yea, and i'm sure you've heard of my staying at brittanys place every weekend i'm in athens. it's true. i do. me and her hang out alot. i know this probably pisses you off, or at least it did at some point, but i wanted to tell you something. we haven't hooked up. not even once. and we won't. in probably my most drunken and worst decision-making summer of my entire life, brittany was there through it all and she remained my friend, and nothing else. i can honestly say that she was there to listen to me cry about you when i needed somebody to talk to and, even suprisingly to me, she was genuinely concerned about me. i know you hate her - or did - but she was a good friend to me and she still is, and i wanted you to know thats all she ever was to me. a friend. period.
i'm ok now. you should know that. i really am doing much better than i ever thought i would 6 months after the fact. i work alot, probably too much, and i continue to work in athens on weekends. i love my job there and if its up to me, i'll never quit. i love my friends, i love my coworkers and its a blast every time i work there. you were never happy with me working in a bar in a college town. i know this. you and your friends made me feel like i wasn't good enough. i couldn't finish college and i wasn't a businessman. i'm sorry for that. but you have to know, regardless of if you meant to do that or not, that i felt like such a miserable failure for the first 5 months of 2007.
i got suspended at work, got another job at a fucking carwash, got turned down for the police department, and to top it all off, you ditched me 2 weeks after that. my self confidence level was sitting squarely on zero, and i opened my eyes to find myself at 26, barely able to pay the bills in a town where i was older than everyone with nothing to show for it. you have absolutely no idea how depressed i was, even before we broke up. maybe i saw it coming. who knows? i felt like a massive failure and i still struggle with being satisfied with where i am in life. its tough. and you didn't help that one fucking bit.
but now, i have a halfway decent job, and another job that still pays me a little where i can have my social time, and i'm doing pretty damn good for myself for once. things are looking up, and i dare to say that i'm actually happy for the first time in a long long time. i'm excited for what lies ahead for me. i don't give a fuck if i wait tables and stand at the door of a college bar and check IDs for a living right now. my money is as green as anyone elses and i could give a fuck about how i get my hands on it.
lastly, i wanted to say that.....i miss you. i miss you every single day. i have so many things that happen in my life that makes me want to pick up the phone to tell someone, and i realize that i can't because you're gone. the things i used to call you about or tell you about, i can't do that anymore. it's been weird adjusting to that. so i miss you, but more than a girlfriend, although i still miss you as that too. you were my best friend for 5 whole years. i can replace a girlfriend in a week, but i just wanted you to know that replacing a best friend isn't quite so easy, and after being with you it's sort of a new requirement when looking for a girlfriend.
i guess thats it. if i sit here any longer i could think of more things to say to you, but i won't. those are the main things. i wish you the best. i wish i could think of a better ending than this, but i guess i can't.
my heart hurts so bad when i really start thinking about things, but you and i are over and it'll never happen again and you know what?
in my book, that really really sucks.