Feeling Hella Sad
Right now, i don't feel as good as i usually do, though i thank God for the little things in my life that make it worth living. The only problem is Chris right now. He keeps running away from his receiving home and i don't know what to do. I keep tyring to convince him that i am not trying to keep him shut up and away from me like i don't want to see him, but i can't have him running away because his social worker's supervisor thinks i am influencing him to run away. ( which i am not, Chris is coming up with all this shit on his own). Even his dad pointed that shit out last night before we went home...
i should probably explain, you see Chris is my b/f of almost 2 years. I met him when i was 16 years old. We hooked up through mutual friends and i started talking to him and i really thought he was cool and mature and i fell in love with him...only problem was he was only 13 at the time. I tried to back out of the relationship many times because i felt kind of weird dating someone so much younger then me, but seriously it doesn't even feel like it. Chris looks like a grown ass man, he would have tricked you too when you first look at him. Anyway, it's not some perverted little trist like some people try to make it out to be. We fell in love with each other and i just happen to be older (though he is WAY bigger). Plus he has been hurt so much by people. His mom abandoned him and i was there for him when he was going through very hard times. I truly love him so much, when i look into his eyes i can tell he loves me too and even though we cannot be together right now my love for him will never stop...
One more problem though.. i might be pregnant. i don't know what the hell i am gonna do if i am. Right now i am finishing up my last year of high school and money is so tight, but i seriously would not abort my baby. Last time i was pregnant i had a miscarriage and it has been hurting me inside ever since that day. It hurts me that something so small, that was mine, had my blood and my flesh could just wither away. It hurts so bad sometimes it makes me just want to run away from the whole entire world. Right now though, even with everything going so slow and depressing, a baby would be something that would make me happy. I have always wanted to be a mother and the more i think about it, the more i want a little baby of my own. That's what me and Chris are all about, creating our own famliy since the both of ours are so fucked up. Having a family is not a bad thing and it makes the world seem a lot better to be in when you can say you have people in your life that you love and will stick with you no matter what happens....exactly what me and Chris have....
There is only two things really killing me right now. School and being away from Chris. Right now school is so hard to be in because everyday i see people and they seem nice enough but in a way they are already connected. Everyone already has a group they belong too and are probably not really open to the new girl (which would be me). It's makes my days so long and fucking excruciating, i feel like running out of the school and never coming the fuck back. I'm proud of myself though, for going to school and getting things done even though it is hard every single day to just get my ass out of bed. Then all the pressure with course work, college applications, SATs and ACTs and having almost no money to work with stresses me out so bad. Then the fact that i can't be with Chris everyday, only catching a quick glimpse of him when i ride all the way from my school across town to see him... it all sucks majorly.....
i should probably explain, you see Chris is my b/f of almost 2 years. I met him when i was 16 years old. We hooked up through mutual friends and i started talking to him and i really thought he was cool and mature and i fell in love with him...only problem was he was only 13 at the time. I tried to back out of the relationship many times because i felt kind of weird dating someone so much younger then me, but seriously it doesn't even feel like it. Chris looks like a grown ass man, he would have tricked you too when you first look at him. Anyway, it's not some perverted little trist like some people try to make it out to be. We fell in love with each other and i just happen to be older (though he is WAY bigger). Plus he has been hurt so much by people. His mom abandoned him and i was there for him when he was going through very hard times. I truly love him so much, when i look into his eyes i can tell he loves me too and even though we cannot be together right now my love for him will never stop...
One more problem though.. i might be pregnant. i don't know what the hell i am gonna do if i am. Right now i am finishing up my last year of high school and money is so tight, but i seriously would not abort my baby. Last time i was pregnant i had a miscarriage and it has been hurting me inside ever since that day. It hurts me that something so small, that was mine, had my blood and my flesh could just wither away. It hurts so bad sometimes it makes me just want to run away from the whole entire world. Right now though, even with everything going so slow and depressing, a baby would be something that would make me happy. I have always wanted to be a mother and the more i think about it, the more i want a little baby of my own. That's what me and Chris are all about, creating our own famliy since the both of ours are so fucked up. Having a family is not a bad thing and it makes the world seem a lot better to be in when you can say you have people in your life that you love and will stick with you no matter what happens....exactly what me and Chris have....
There is only two things really killing me right now. School and being away from Chris. Right now school is so hard to be in because everyday i see people and they seem nice enough but in a way they are already connected. Everyone already has a group they belong too and are probably not really open to the new girl (which would be me). It's makes my days so long and fucking excruciating, i feel like running out of the school and never coming the fuck back. I'm proud of myself though, for going to school and getting things done even though it is hard every single day to just get my ass out of bed. Then all the pressure with course work, college applications, SATs and ACTs and having almost no money to work with stresses me out so bad. Then the fact that i can't be with Chris everyday, only catching a quick glimpse of him when i ride all the way from my school across town to see him... it all sucks majorly.....