Long time no write
Dear Journal
I haven't written on you for a while. Ever since I returned, I didn't think i'd want to write anymore. That was true for a time.
Today, I had the sudden urge to express myself. Well, its not just today. I've been wanting to get stuff off my chest for a few weeks now. School has just been difficult. I've been working harder than i've ever done before and it just doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere closer to finishing. Its just one thing after another. Though i'm glad many opportunities have come my way, i just feel depressed sometimes. Maybe its the lack of alone time or the fact that i'm putting in more effort and getting back less results. I dunno. I've always told myself not to worry. That all i had to do was keep trying hard at something till people realized and were convinced that i was simply inadequate. Now that I AM trying hard at stuff and my inadequacies ARE showing, I can't help but be disgusted. Like i don't understand why doing a project has to be so hard for me. All i need to do is find information and interpret it all on a piece of paper. Sounds easy right? But every time i go at it, i get so fatigued and in the end, have very little to show for it. I might as well have not done work at all or i might as well have taken some sloppy short cut to get myself a passing grade. Not as if my actual grade is so much better than a pass. I guess the root of my depression is that i didn't make the honor roll this year. THERE! Typing it out or saying it out load makes me sick. I mean, what do i have to show for after 3 years in school? A lousy grade? I don't even know what i'm working towards. Being some businessman in some company? I knew i always wanted my life to be simple. It seems now that i'm working against that. Every year gets more complicated. More things to think about. More decisions to make. Yeah Yeah. Thats life, i know! Tsk.
Or maybe i'm just depressed cause its night time. I always feel just a little better when i wake up. As if something so profound might happen on that day that I acquire some revolutionary midset or attitude or knowledge to get me through whatever. I guess that has happened already. I was baptized not long after i was born. Maybe it helps to think of my life as something small and fleeting. Why worry about stuff that everyone sorta forgets about after a few years? Yeah. I feel a bit better. I feel like this depression will go away after i log off. Like as if its now on paper and on paper it will stay.
Thanks Journal
I haven't written on you for a while. Ever since I returned, I didn't think i'd want to write anymore. That was true for a time.
Today, I had the sudden urge to express myself. Well, its not just today. I've been wanting to get stuff off my chest for a few weeks now. School has just been difficult. I've been working harder than i've ever done before and it just doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere closer to finishing. Its just one thing after another. Though i'm glad many opportunities have come my way, i just feel depressed sometimes. Maybe its the lack of alone time or the fact that i'm putting in more effort and getting back less results. I dunno. I've always told myself not to worry. That all i had to do was keep trying hard at something till people realized and were convinced that i was simply inadequate. Now that I AM trying hard at stuff and my inadequacies ARE showing, I can't help but be disgusted. Like i don't understand why doing a project has to be so hard for me. All i need to do is find information and interpret it all on a piece of paper. Sounds easy right? But every time i go at it, i get so fatigued and in the end, have very little to show for it. I might as well have not done work at all or i might as well have taken some sloppy short cut to get myself a passing grade. Not as if my actual grade is so much better than a pass. I guess the root of my depression is that i didn't make the honor roll this year. THERE! Typing it out or saying it out load makes me sick. I mean, what do i have to show for after 3 years in school? A lousy grade? I don't even know what i'm working towards. Being some businessman in some company? I knew i always wanted my life to be simple. It seems now that i'm working against that. Every year gets more complicated. More things to think about. More decisions to make. Yeah Yeah. Thats life, i know! Tsk.
Or maybe i'm just depressed cause its night time. I always feel just a little better when i wake up. As if something so profound might happen on that day that I acquire some revolutionary midset or attitude or knowledge to get me through whatever. I guess that has happened already. I was baptized not long after i was born. Maybe it helps to think of my life as something small and fleeting. Why worry about stuff that everyone sorta forgets about after a few years? Yeah. I feel a bit better. I feel like this depression will go away after i log off. Like as if its now on paper and on paper it will stay.
Thanks Journal