(no subject)
well, to sum it all up.. yesterday was more than likely both the highlight, and lowlight of my life. i don't think im going to mention any names thoughout this, unless they are needed or something
i got some things off my chest, which i shouldn't have done. i got all my emotions out, i told one person everything that i was feeling. i even did the most ungodly thing a man can do. i proposed. and i meant it. and i was shot down, which is a normal thing to do to chris, don't worry. i was crushed. tears streamed down my eyes and everything that i had been considering to do in my life vanished, there was only one thing.
suicide.
last night, i tried killing myself. of couse, it didn't work, which is why i'm stuck in a fucking hospital and using the laptop sandra [the merch nurse for zeromancer] brought me this morning. along with some food. how lovely of the little fuck. i swallowed a container of aspirin and chased it with like, half a bottle of vodka. then i also slit my wrists nicely. and i did it because of one person. one fucking person.
it wasn't worth it. im not worth it. im not worth HER. i never was.
alex was right. "you know, chris, you should really stop fantasizing over ____. you know she doesn't want you. she's not interested. that's why she's going out with _____. you need to get out of that relationship before you realize that no matter what you do, she's never going to notice you. she's never going to want to get with you. i don't want you doing something drastic, chris. i'm only telling you this because i'm concerned"
and i told him that i would. id stop loving her. i didn't. it hurts. i told her how i felt and now it hurts more. i dont think im ever going to find that "one" because i thought i did in ____. I guess i was wrong. i found nothing but pain. no one knows how much it hurts. i feel releived, yet i feel so hurt. i told ____ how i felt, now she knows. she knows everything.
i'm leaving. i'm going on tour and not coming back until the end of april. it'll be good for me, especially because i won't be near ____. I'm not even touring near that state. that also brings relief. i feel somewhat.. glad. maybe it won't hurt anymore. i can only wish that it wont. wishes suck.
anyway, zeromancer is going on tour. i doubt i'll be able to play, my wrists are sore as fuck and i have quite a few stitches in them, which makes me feel like a rag doll, though, luckily i didn't slice a square of skin off that they'd have to replace with some skin from my ass. that'd be amusing, though many things are.. ahh. i want to go home, but i can't. god, i'm going to have to start going to therapy. fuck. im not going to tell them shit. maybe i should just sit and stare and tell them about my random urges to dress myself in a tutu and prance around the empire statebuilding with my dick hanging out.
mmm, not that you need to know that.
i should shut up now.
bruce probably has a headache if he read this by now.
i think im done for now.
-chrischleyer
i got some things off my chest, which i shouldn't have done. i got all my emotions out, i told one person everything that i was feeling. i even did the most ungodly thing a man can do. i proposed. and i meant it. and i was shot down, which is a normal thing to do to chris, don't worry. i was crushed. tears streamed down my eyes and everything that i had been considering to do in my life vanished, there was only one thing.
suicide.
last night, i tried killing myself. of couse, it didn't work, which is why i'm stuck in a fucking hospital and using the laptop sandra [the merch nurse for zeromancer] brought me this morning. along with some food. how lovely of the little fuck. i swallowed a container of aspirin and chased it with like, half a bottle of vodka. then i also slit my wrists nicely. and i did it because of one person. one fucking person.
it wasn't worth it. im not worth it. im not worth HER. i never was.
alex was right. "you know, chris, you should really stop fantasizing over ____. you know she doesn't want you. she's not interested. that's why she's going out with _____. you need to get out of that relationship before you realize that no matter what you do, she's never going to notice you. she's never going to want to get with you. i don't want you doing something drastic, chris. i'm only telling you this because i'm concerned"
and i told him that i would. id stop loving her. i didn't. it hurts. i told her how i felt and now it hurts more. i dont think im ever going to find that "one" because i thought i did in ____. I guess i was wrong. i found nothing but pain. no one knows how much it hurts. i feel releived, yet i feel so hurt. i told ____ how i felt, now she knows. she knows everything.
i'm leaving. i'm going on tour and not coming back until the end of april. it'll be good for me, especially because i won't be near ____. I'm not even touring near that state. that also brings relief. i feel somewhat.. glad. maybe it won't hurt anymore. i can only wish that it wont. wishes suck.
anyway, zeromancer is going on tour. i doubt i'll be able to play, my wrists are sore as fuck and i have quite a few stitches in them, which makes me feel like a rag doll, though, luckily i didn't slice a square of skin off that they'd have to replace with some skin from my ass. that'd be amusing, though many things are.. ahh. i want to go home, but i can't. god, i'm going to have to start going to therapy. fuck. im not going to tell them shit. maybe i should just sit and stare and tell them about my random urges to dress myself in a tutu and prance around the empire statebuilding with my dick hanging out.
mmm, not that you need to know that.
i should shut up now.
bruce probably has a headache if he read this by now.
i think im done for now.
-chrischleyer