#49
just for posterity:
I'm sitting at a library desk at s--- in dc and I'm so happy right now. it's strange, there've been so many changes and turns in my life and so much jumping from philosophy and liberal arts to china and politics and now I'm finally at a place where I know I can put in work and have it translate to something real. liberal arts was not like that. it takes a mind much more creative than mine to see how it can be effective in the world in the kind of all-encompassing way that I want things to be. and in my freshman and sophomore year I poured everything into these and realized how little change happened outside of myself... and during china I was so happy but in a different way, where I realized that these were the kinds of people I could be around all my life in order to have a satisfying, normal, fitted life. fitted in the sense that I know my place in this society and I know my place among people and I know how to act and live so that I am happy in this place. and now I'm back in America and this place is so different from the America I encountered during my college days. people are incredibly smart and willing to work hard towards idealistic goals, but they do so in such practical ways, and these 18 months more I have at this place I can learn skills and learn knowledge that will be practical and useful. it's strange though that I feel like I can bring my past with me, because my past was so formative of who I am, but the last year and more I've been moving away from st john's.. but because I now have the space to learn and the path to doing so, I can concentrate my energies on that and in my other time I can tap into the other resources I have through my college education. it's funny how things work out, and how much more I am growing into myself along the way... and how comfortable I feel with where I am in life, for once, which is I guess something I haven't felt in a long time.
I'm sitting at a library desk at s--- in dc and I'm so happy right now. it's strange, there've been so many changes and turns in my life and so much jumping from philosophy and liberal arts to china and politics and now I'm finally at a place where I know I can put in work and have it translate to something real. liberal arts was not like that. it takes a mind much more creative than mine to see how it can be effective in the world in the kind of all-encompassing way that I want things to be. and in my freshman and sophomore year I poured everything into these and realized how little change happened outside of myself... and during china I was so happy but in a different way, where I realized that these were the kinds of people I could be around all my life in order to have a satisfying, normal, fitted life. fitted in the sense that I know my place in this society and I know my place among people and I know how to act and live so that I am happy in this place. and now I'm back in America and this place is so different from the America I encountered during my college days. people are incredibly smart and willing to work hard towards idealistic goals, but they do so in such practical ways, and these 18 months more I have at this place I can learn skills and learn knowledge that will be practical and useful. it's strange though that I feel like I can bring my past with me, because my past was so formative of who I am, but the last year and more I've been moving away from st john's.. but because I now have the space to learn and the path to doing so, I can concentrate my energies on that and in my other time I can tap into the other resources I have through my college education. it's funny how things work out, and how much more I am growing into myself along the way... and how comfortable I feel with where I am in life, for once, which is I guess something I haven't felt in a long time.