F**K MY LIFE SUCKS
I hate my life. I wish sometimes that I had another family, yeah sometimes they are ok, but I in general can find something about each ad every one of them that pisses me off. I hate the fast that my littlest brother always assumes that you want to play with him and that you know what he is talking about and that you actually care, plus the fact that he talks way too much and eh thinks he is the smartest thing in the world. Then my other brother thinks he is the most important thing in the world too. He is always wasting my time, I hate him, I hate the fact that he doesn’t let me live my own life, like every time I am on the phone with someone he always has to watch TV in the same room as me and listen in and comment on every word that I say, I’d be talking to someone one the phone and he’d be like who is it and I’d be like who do you care its none of your business then he’d be all is it your girlfriend. Then that’s when I’d get mad. Then he decides to try and be cool and get on the phone on the other end and interrupt my conversation and not let me talk on the godamn phone. I hate him so much when he does that. Sometimes I wish he could just leave me alone. Then maybe once I would actually be happy. I hate my mom too she’s always paranoid and always like Oh you can only be on the internet for 15 minutes a day, and I’m like what the fuck. What the hell am I supposed to do in fifteen minutes on the Internet? My life is on the Internet, which sounds kinds corny but its true in a way. On the internet no one can judge me and no one can really make fun of me I feel like I’m free to be the real me on the internet. I suck having to live in this real world in this piece of shit town were Satan himself would probably get more respect than me. I hate it. This one guy Jason, some guy I don’t even talk to is like OH yeah Chris I know who he is, he’s a LOSER and in my head I’m going what the fuck you don’t even know me and just because I hang around with not so popular people doesn’t mean that I should be treated like a piece of shit. You don’t even know me, I just wish that people would step back and be all you know I feel really bad for calling that guy a loser or maybe I should talk to him and find out what he is really like. Maybe he was just having a bad day, or maybe I should hang out with him before I judge him and his friends, I hate being one of the least popular guys at school. I am such a fuckup. For some reason everyone in my town hates me and wants nothing to do with me. And all the bandos here are all in their own little cliques where I feel really uncomfortable going to. I really don’t feel attached to any group in school except the bandos. In there I get maybe just a little slice of respect but still not as much as I would like. I want everyone to like me but no one will give me a chance. I want myself to be perfect. I think I am worthless, a piece of shit that apparently deserves everything he gets. Maybe in some past life i did something wrong and I am chosen by fate to be the one that everyone hates. My parents still treat me like a little kid goddman it I’m almost 17 and I don’t have even my permit yet. While everyone in that lives around me next year will be like wohoo I’m driving to school. No more walking to me, and I’ll still be riding my bike to school like a little kid. And everyone else will be getting new clothes like every week and I’m still wearing the same shit from last school year. I hate my self-image. I don’t know what to do with myself. Honestly I don’t even know who I am, I pretty much conform to whomever I hang around with and act like they do sort of. Like I get traits from that person. So you can say that all I really am are bits and pieces of other people that I have to put up with. I have even convinced myself that this Frankenstein of a person is who I really am. I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I dress sometimes. I hate my hair. I hate my nose. I hate my smile. I hate my voice. I hate my attitude, I hate my figure, I hate my self image even, my self image sits inside my head always mocking me telling me Oh this is what you should look like you fucking loser. You hair it should be shoulder length and you should have it pulled back, you should have your hair dyed back and have it straight like a longer version of neos hair from the matrix. Or like some manga character. And my skin would be smooth without a single scar or blemish or anything. My eyes would be always hidden behind dark- tinted shades so no one could ever see the pain that is deep inside of me, I would never smiles because I hate my smile. My attitude would be always dark distant and mysterious, I would be built a little better and always stand up straight with a good trench coat that reaches down to almost the floor. I would have the sleeves come over a little bit to my hands then it would always be buttoned down hiding as much of me as possible from public view so no one could ever see me. So no one could ever judge me. And I’d be a very soft speaker being only able to speak at a whisper so that I could express myself but to only to those people that cared enough to be quiet lean in and listen to what I have to say. I would finally be a star performer playing at ever event imaginable from the small storefront gigs to the really big gigs like maybe one day playing at the Hollywood bowl. I just really really really hate myself. And I just want someone to hold close and someone to talk to that would care. Honestly I think my new hangout place would have to be under the biggest shady tree in the park where I could draw, write, and think, and nap in peace for the half hour that I can have to myself. I am just really shitty right now. My dad said I should practice so I was going to get my sax when my brother is like Hey lets play scherzoid and I’m like sure whatever so I get my keyboard and I play it with him like twice. Both times he messes up the sticking and slows down from like 200 all the way down to 140 he has no real desire to work on anything. And when I wanted to practice. Not 10 minutes into my practice I have to stop because no one likes to hear me practice. I’m like gee thanks am I really that bad. See here’s the thing I can’t practice in my room because the cd that I need to help me with it is only MP3 format therefore it can only be played on the computer. And since my computer is here in my kitchen I can’t exactly move it. So I had my stand and my lovely OMNI book filled with Charlie parker licks. So I begun working on it and my brother like “Chris stop playing” I was like dude I have to practice and sure enough, he does his favorite thing in the world. He goes and complains to my mom. And she is like Chris stop playing its too late. It was 9:00 and our house music-playing curfew is 10:00 in the night. And I’m like wait I though I had another hour to practice. And she gave me the whole bullshit schmere that the neighbors have to get up at 3 am to go to work. So I’m like ARG how am I supposed to practice, and my brothers like why not just do it tomorrow. And I said no because I have to practice before I go to bed for at least 45 minutes or else I am never going to be able to play this song and solo. So he went back to my and she is like CHRIS STOP PLAYING so I took it to my room and practiced for like 5 minutes then I was way too depressed to play sax. So I threw it in the case and went to take my emotions out on the guitar which was OK, I have two new songs that I’m writing but still have no lyrics for them and I have no idea what they are going to be about. So after I totally lost interest in that and listened to the silence and got tired of that so I grabbed a CD and turned it on and started taking my medicine (for all those not in the know MUSIC IS MY MEDICINE) then I grabbed an oatmeal raisin cookie and a cold glass of milk and ate it, that made me fell a little better. So then came around 10:00 I was like happy for a second cause that’s when I get online. So I got online and maybe like 5 minutes later my mom is like WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU GOING ONLINE, WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS. I swear in my head I was like well what if elephants flew. I told her WHO IS GOING TO CALL AFTER 10:00 then she said WHAT IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY I sadly said my goodbyes to the two people I was talking to and got off and had a good sob because like I said earlier I pretty much live online. But now I don’t feel so bad. Sorry for having to read this whole thing. I know none of you wanted to. I was just a little depressed. Well let’s just say I wish I could DRIFT AND DIE