(no subject)
Garrick said I only feel distant when I pay attention to it. He may be right. There's the numbness, and that's annoying but not all that bad. As long as I am a safe place where I can't make any stupid decisions because my wants/needs don't feel safe enough to come out, numbness is handle-able. But the pain... Good lord. I've never understood the physical ache that comes with depression.
I know I've isolated myself. I know I've withdrawn from people I was close-ish to. I know this is partly having Garrick, but it's mainly that I do not trust people. There is way, way too much crazy in here. I don't do in-betweens - you either get none of it or all of it, and trust me: all of it is overwhelming. And for some reason in sexual/romantic relationships, that's not the case. I don't get friendship. But that's nothing new.
This would be easier, I think, if I felt like I was working towards something...but I don't think I am. I think this is just me - the depression all over again. Seven years of this and I'm not fully resigned. I don't get me.
And, what with writing all this, I'm back to feeling like I'm overdramatic and attention-seeking. And by writing that I think I'm those things, I feel them even more so. sigh.
I know I've isolated myself. I know I've withdrawn from people I was close-ish to. I know this is partly having Garrick, but it's mainly that I do not trust people. There is way, way too much crazy in here. I don't do in-betweens - you either get none of it or all of it, and trust me: all of it is overwhelming. And for some reason in sexual/romantic relationships, that's not the case. I don't get friendship. But that's nothing new.
This would be easier, I think, if I felt like I was working towards something...but I don't think I am. I think this is just me - the depression all over again. Seven years of this and I'm not fully resigned. I don't get me.
And, what with writing all this, I'm back to feeling like I'm overdramatic and attention-seeking. And by writing that I think I'm those things, I feel them even more so. sigh.