(no subject)
Made good, healthy decisions last night. Didn't do quite as well this morning, but nothing serious.
Went out to coffee (which is just a phrase - neither of us actually got coffee) this morning with eli* and we talked and it made me kind of shakey. I was able to get through work no problem, though. I made sure to focusfocusfocus on the work at hand and didn't think too much about PTSD or triggers or mental health. And by the end of the day I was happy. I like my job. Don is turning out to be frustrating and a little condescending, which is annoying. And Richard's just a funny guy. I don't know what to make of him and as long as I relax a little and make a point of enjoying myself, our lunches (which always seem to coincide) are fun. And Matt came and sat on the dock where I was sorting hangers (so. many. hangers.) during the second part of his lunch and that made me really, really happy. He's into film, I guess. We talked about that and not making money at the things you love. He's so gorgeous, but I'm just glad he's reaching out and we're talking. It feels really friendly and I appreciate that. Also, Erin rocks my socks. She's just too cool. She's so lighthearted and funny and easy going. She's the one that makes me feel safe there.
Group was rough. Well, most of it was just fine. The first hour and a half was slow and a little annoying, but during the last half hour or so I started getting shakey. I think it was partly the conversation with eli* finally being brought back to my mind, partly being tired (group is from 6:30-8:30), and partly the content of the group. Tonight's topic was self care which isn't too triggering, but it always reminds me of how deliberate I need to make my life. I'm tired. I don't want to be deliberate. I'm young, too, and flighty. I don't want to be deliberate. It also opened this whole thing up again: I had been mostly ignoring the whole topic since I left the support group in Victoria. Gawd. Here it is again. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want things to be that hard.
I started crying a little by the end of group. I figured I would. I was really impressed by how safe the space felt last week and so I predicted I'd start crying tonight. One of the women who was there is so amazing and in touch and really communicative about caring for the other women. I appreciate her. The facilitator made sure I was feeling ok enough to bike home, and then I got out of there fast. I made a good decision and took the MAX across the river - I have been feeling a little weak the past few days and I think the whole bike ride would have exhaused me. Plus, I would have had time to think. As it was, I grabbed the only book in my backpack and read. I don't remember what I read, but that doesn't matter: I was fully immersed in something else and when I finally looked up and realized how zoned out I'd been, I felt better.
A really fantastic bike ride home, stopping to buy a pint of ice cream, good coziness with Adrienne and Anna on my rug, and then staying up too late online. Oops. I think I let it get so late because I was feeling really lenient with myself tonight - letting myself do what I felt like doing - because of the stress of group. But I did play a bunch of guitar, though, so kudos to me for that. I also made a stupid comment to Garrick though. ::grumble:: I frustrate myself.
Now, to bed. For reals.
Went out to coffee (which is just a phrase - neither of us actually got coffee) this morning with eli* and we talked and it made me kind of shakey. I was able to get through work no problem, though. I made sure to focusfocusfocus on the work at hand and didn't think too much about PTSD or triggers or mental health. And by the end of the day I was happy. I like my job. Don is turning out to be frustrating and a little condescending, which is annoying. And Richard's just a funny guy. I don't know what to make of him and as long as I relax a little and make a point of enjoying myself, our lunches (which always seem to coincide) are fun. And Matt came and sat on the dock where I was sorting hangers (so. many. hangers.) during the second part of his lunch and that made me really, really happy. He's into film, I guess. We talked about that and not making money at the things you love. He's so gorgeous, but I'm just glad he's reaching out and we're talking. It feels really friendly and I appreciate that. Also, Erin rocks my socks. She's just too cool. She's so lighthearted and funny and easy going. She's the one that makes me feel safe there.
Group was rough. Well, most of it was just fine. The first hour and a half was slow and a little annoying, but during the last half hour or so I started getting shakey. I think it was partly the conversation with eli* finally being brought back to my mind, partly being tired (group is from 6:30-8:30), and partly the content of the group. Tonight's topic was self care which isn't too triggering, but it always reminds me of how deliberate I need to make my life. I'm tired. I don't want to be deliberate. I'm young, too, and flighty. I don't want to be deliberate. It also opened this whole thing up again: I had been mostly ignoring the whole topic since I left the support group in Victoria. Gawd. Here it is again. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want things to be that hard.
I started crying a little by the end of group. I figured I would. I was really impressed by how safe the space felt last week and so I predicted I'd start crying tonight. One of the women who was there is so amazing and in touch and really communicative about caring for the other women. I appreciate her. The facilitator made sure I was feeling ok enough to bike home, and then I got out of there fast. I made a good decision and took the MAX across the river - I have been feeling a little weak the past few days and I think the whole bike ride would have exhaused me. Plus, I would have had time to think. As it was, I grabbed the only book in my backpack and read. I don't remember what I read, but that doesn't matter: I was fully immersed in something else and when I finally looked up and realized how zoned out I'd been, I felt better.
A really fantastic bike ride home, stopping to buy a pint of ice cream, good coziness with Adrienne and Anna on my rug, and then staying up too late online. Oops. I think I let it get so late because I was feeling really lenient with myself tonight - letting myself do what I felt like doing - because of the stress of group. But I did play a bunch of guitar, though, so kudos to me for that. I also made a stupid comment to Garrick though. ::grumble:: I frustrate myself.
Now, to bed. For reals.