Loneliness
This has been on my mind a lot lately. In my normal routine, I don't interact very much with people in the physical world during the week. Unless Its a week I have my kids, but then its my kids I interact with, and while that is wonderful, and it does help to stave off loneliness, its just not quite the same. I do believe I am lucky. I am dating two wonderful, magical and beautiful women. Both of which I have deep connections with. Mostly I get to see them on the weekends I dont have the kids. I also have a plethora of friends, that when I am lucky we get to see each other on weekends, when I dont have the kids.
But there in lay the crux, I dont have anyone, friends, or lovers, that is physically there all the time. Maybe its me. Certainly after my marriage fell apart, and after my last breakup, I do not want to subject my kids to a constant flow of who's new in daddy's bed. Especially since Julian still crawls in bed with me almost every night. I do not want to subject the kids to a constant flow of people they just start to make connections with, only to have them ripped apart because of something stupid.
So am I purposefully dating people I know cant be there, and avoiding the issue, only to isolate myself except for brief periods of connection? If so, what do I do about it? What does a "man" do? I cant stand the facade most of society puts on, and I simply don't do casual. I dont know how, and I just dont think its in my makeup. How do I stay true and authentic, and yet not feel so god damn lonely all the time?
I was almost in an accident yesterday, and I freaked out. What would happen if i died at home? Vinny is the only one who goes to my house on a regular basis, and that freaked me out. Having him find me. Thats not something I want for him. What am I supposed to do if I get horribly sick again? Like when I had pneumonia?
What I am supposed to do when I need a hug? I can hear someone saying to all the above, you deal, get over it and move on. Maybe that is true. Maybe that is what a "man" would do. But we are not meant to go it alone. And yes I am sure that if I was in a bad way, there are people who I could call to help me here and there. But that is not the same as companionship. All of a sudden im terrified of choking to death alone, and having Vinny find me days later, dead and bloated. Im like really freaking out about it.
I dont know. Maybe I need to deal with this and move on. Accept that at this moment I should embrace those instances of connection, cherish them, and not be saddened during the long periods between them.
Up until I moved into my house, I have always had someone I could do stuff with, a partner in crime(best friend), or companion(read ex wife, though thank the gods im not there any more, death would be preferable). Even my ex Girlfriend was there almost constantly, or I with her. But that went bad, and what I regret most is the loss for Vinny.
And see that is the other thing im really struggling with. I dont get masculinity. I dont grok it. I can tell you all bout the moon, but the sun eludes me. Im emotional and sensitive. Id much rather talk through problems, then fight about them. I was recently asked what does it mean to be a man, or a father, and nothing I said felt right. Oh sure, I cognate what the words mean. But I dont grok them. And as far as my boys are concerned, I father them like a mother. I know it. Its what I know. And I still feel like im failing, because that is not the only thing they need from me.
Maybe a father teaches by example. By how they act in the world. How the hell am I going to show my children that, when most of my world is either work, or involved in places children don't belong? Does that mean I need to find different things to do, and places to be? That just plain feels wrong. so then what? I think I show them kind and gentle. That we need to act with honor, and that our words have meaning. That we should always protect those who cant protect themselves, help those less fortunate than ourselves.
And wow all of this from loneliness...
Hugs and blessing,
Thanks for reading.
P
But there in lay the crux, I dont have anyone, friends, or lovers, that is physically there all the time. Maybe its me. Certainly after my marriage fell apart, and after my last breakup, I do not want to subject my kids to a constant flow of who's new in daddy's bed. Especially since Julian still crawls in bed with me almost every night. I do not want to subject the kids to a constant flow of people they just start to make connections with, only to have them ripped apart because of something stupid.
So am I purposefully dating people I know cant be there, and avoiding the issue, only to isolate myself except for brief periods of connection? If so, what do I do about it? What does a "man" do? I cant stand the facade most of society puts on, and I simply don't do casual. I dont know how, and I just dont think its in my makeup. How do I stay true and authentic, and yet not feel so god damn lonely all the time?
I was almost in an accident yesterday, and I freaked out. What would happen if i died at home? Vinny is the only one who goes to my house on a regular basis, and that freaked me out. Having him find me. Thats not something I want for him. What am I supposed to do if I get horribly sick again? Like when I had pneumonia?
What I am supposed to do when I need a hug? I can hear someone saying to all the above, you deal, get over it and move on. Maybe that is true. Maybe that is what a "man" would do. But we are not meant to go it alone. And yes I am sure that if I was in a bad way, there are people who I could call to help me here and there. But that is not the same as companionship. All of a sudden im terrified of choking to death alone, and having Vinny find me days later, dead and bloated. Im like really freaking out about it.
I dont know. Maybe I need to deal with this and move on. Accept that at this moment I should embrace those instances of connection, cherish them, and not be saddened during the long periods between them.
Up until I moved into my house, I have always had someone I could do stuff with, a partner in crime(best friend), or companion(read ex wife, though thank the gods im not there any more, death would be preferable). Even my ex Girlfriend was there almost constantly, or I with her. But that went bad, and what I regret most is the loss for Vinny.
And see that is the other thing im really struggling with. I dont get masculinity. I dont grok it. I can tell you all bout the moon, but the sun eludes me. Im emotional and sensitive. Id much rather talk through problems, then fight about them. I was recently asked what does it mean to be a man, or a father, and nothing I said felt right. Oh sure, I cognate what the words mean. But I dont grok them. And as far as my boys are concerned, I father them like a mother. I know it. Its what I know. And I still feel like im failing, because that is not the only thing they need from me.
Maybe a father teaches by example. By how they act in the world. How the hell am I going to show my children that, when most of my world is either work, or involved in places children don't belong? Does that mean I need to find different things to do, and places to be? That just plain feels wrong. so then what? I think I show them kind and gentle. That we need to act with honor, and that our words have meaning. That we should always protect those who cant protect themselves, help those less fortunate than ourselves.
And wow all of this from loneliness...
Hugs and blessing,
Thanks for reading.
P