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...Scotland has many incredibly varied landscapes for tourists to visit. One of the most interesting of these can be found in the largest and most populous area on the West coast - Glasgow. Here live a swarm of what is thought to be over five hundred thousand Glaswegians, by far the most fascinating species dwelling in Scotland.
One of the most immediately striking things about Glasgwegians as a whole is their ability to construct massive structures for a variety of purposes. This skill was originally evolved from the innate need to build huge ships to facilitate the trade of many goods used in leisure and pastimes - more on this later. More recently, these skills have been used to create efficient living space - expanding dwellings vertically and without regard for aesthetics. This pioneering and ingenious idea has solved many problems and is thought to be the model plan for future development.
A family, the most common term for a small group of Glaswegians, usually including one female adult but ocassionally a male adult as well, manages to survive and breed under apparently unsustainable conditions. Do not be fooled, though, for the species actually thrive in such dwellings. Locally known as "cooncil hoose", many of these habitats offer little in the way of variety and horticulture - but again this minimalistic approach makes efficient use of space and means another can be built quickly and easily when eventually damaged by fire.
Hard to believe it may seem, but Glaswegians manage to stimulate themselves exceedingly both physically and mentally. Chemicals such as ethanol, "hash" and "eccs" are given to the young to ensure their brains are given a healthy amount of endorphin stimulation during the crucial development phase, and "fitba'" is a simple but highly engaging game the males play in order to display superiority and impress the female. It is thought that almost all of the species use "fags", a carcinogenic and highly poisonous natural rememdy. It is thought to regulate the brain function, breathing and heart rate amongst the population as over-activity in these areas may cause immeasurable damage. Despite all these mentally enhancing chemicals, Glaswegians are actually relatively slow, with a staple diet of a "Gregg's pie", "chips" or a "fry-up" allowing all members of the species to pad themselves for the bitter winters.
The average age of conception is just a few years after adolescence, around 15 years of age, but many females copulate well before this. Copulation is seen in most social groups as a sign of maturity and fertility, and this is one factor that attributes towards the healthily large population of Glasgow. Simple as it may seem, though in reality an ingenious concept, the female maximises evolutionary chances through natural selection by "gettin' aroond" - mixing partners to enhance variety in genes. During this phase, the female attains the sought-after subspecies name of "hoor".
The communication between the species is often undecipherable to the undiscerning outsider - a clever tactic to keep possible hostile intruders away from the heart of the Glaswegian community. However, these highly intelligent creatures can actually speak at least 2 languages - fluent Scots and a basic grasp of the English language when required.
As you'll no doubt be aware, the mighty king of the species is the Ned. He displays his superior status to other males and attracts females through use of bright plumage - his "merrapeek". Brave and aggressive, he will engage in fight if he feels his territory, female mating partner or means of hydration (a toxic but essential substance widely known as "Bucky") in any way threatened - even if this may not be the case. This cautious strategy is clever and ensures that he retains his privileges as the alpha male of the species.
This is only a small taster of the fascinating insights you can expect to discover on your journey through the South West of Scotland. Hopefully you shall make the wise decision to stay and observe the exotic customs and activities of the Glaswegians - an thoroughly enriching experience.